DH works ridiculously long hours & it's p'ing me off

[andtheyalllivedhappilyafter]

this is more of a rant, but would be interested in others views: On a normal day DH leaves the house between 6 and 7am and rarely home before 10pm, sometimes 11pm..this is just work in the office, not entertaining. i know he is there as he calls me from there regularly and i trust him (as much as you can ever trust a man i guess!) ..he is working towards a promotion and there is a lot of carrots dangling financially for him...i am sure many others are in the same boat too as the workplace seems to ring every last drop out of employees now more than ever. but how do others feel about it? I'm torn. we are saving towards buying a house as currently renting after selling a small flat we had outgrown...and he is hugely driven by financial and personal career success - i know he love his job and is very ambitious. which is lovely for him, but we have 2 children under 5...they barely see him. even when he is home he is distracted and i know he's thinking about work a lot even at weekends. aside from that we barely see each other as i like to go to bed early (10ish) in order to cope with the children (who are often up in night and usually up by 6am each day) ..he was made redundant a couple of years back and i think he is obviously terrified of this happening again which i understand. so he has lots of reasons to give everything to work. but i'm getting increasingly p'd off with it. i have no choice but to sit in every night..as i work for myself a couple of days and spend rest of the time with children this means i get quite lonely. i come from a family where my dad worked to live and was always home by 5pm - different times i guess, but it frustrates me that my DH is giving so much of his precious life to a company...

Eyeofthestorm- that's actually my set up too, except my partner works away. But when he's here, he's really here, playing with the children constantly, emptying the dishwasher, we have a fun time. I don't get the impression the OP is getting this or any time in the week. When do they have a life as a couple, let alone as a family?

That's it. If you feel like someone is 100% present when they are with you, the other stuff doesn't matter. Not saying it isn't a pain sometimes when the kids are ill and you need that extra pair of hands.

Five also has a point when she says that being a workaholic is often more about meeting his own needs

Being a workaholic will be nothing to do with you OP, or what is best for the family, it will be all about him.

What is his work history like. Has he always placed more importance on work than family. Has he always worked extra hours or been available to work by phone 24/7?

How long does he anticipate this situation to last? Is it always one really important thing after another at work? Do his bosses keep moving the goal posts? Does he have a clear timescale before his promotion? Is the promotion definite or are the managers using this as a 'fake carrot' to make staff put in more hours? There are so many questions I would be asking him.

Usually, when people are promoted, they have more responsibility and often work longer hours but for better pay so even if he is promoted, what will his hours be then?

I've had 25 years of it. I should never have allowed it to happen from the start but he has a good relationship with dc, tho could be better.

I've usually worked in very male-dominated fields and I have to agree, I have seen many of my male colleagues over the years use work as an excuse to avoid family life.

Not even necessarily because they are not happy at home, it could just be that they are so stressed out at work and it's really hard to swallow that stress and act normal and happy around your kids.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why he's working so much before you can know how to address it.

My Dad worked crazy hours and my brother and I only saw him at weekends. This time was further cut short to one day only as he would visit his sick mother in the hospital with his own Dad on a Sunday (for 7 years). My brother and I didn't know any different and didn't notice any issues at all. Our Mum provided a loving and stable environment for us and my Dad was always a loving and involved presence when he was around. They came to an arrangement between them that meant he dedicated his time to providing for his family while she dedicated her time to looking after us. It worked for them - but it was their choice. 40+ years later and they are still happy married and my bro and I are super-close to each other and our parents. I speak to both my Mum and Dad on the phone every day.

If asked, my bro and I (who are now in our mid-thirties) say we had an idyllic childhood because our parents made it work for us. It might not work for everyone but if both parties in a couple can deal with it and make it right for them, then it can be great. It has to be right for you though. My Mum was the product of parents who both worked hard, as was my Dad. Neither of them had an expectation that their other half would be around much during the week. You've said that your Dad would be home by 5pm-ish so your experience is different. You'll need to work out what you need/want/expect for your family and the timescales it will need to attain those things. And talk frankly with your husband.

Basically, I don't think it's such a bad thing to be ambitious and super-hard working but you have to both, as a couple, want to be able to make the repercussions of that lifestyle work for you. It'll come down to both of your needs around time, money, security, lifestyle, character, etc. Good luck!

Some posters have talked about it being a good idea to get to the bottom of the reasons.

I dont agree.

Of course, I did myself spend years trying to do so. BUT firstly, you never will, if it is workaholism, and it probably is. They deny it to themselves, and there are years on end of this reason or that, and in the end even when h worked for himself finally and I could actually count the days (by looking at his day rate and multiplying), he got angry and defensive and had 'reasons' to present.

It took me far too long to see that the angle to take here is not a cat and mouse one about whether or not he has to. Anyone can see he doesnt haveto anyway. He may think he has to, which is an entirely different thing. Or he may like to, for any of a number of reasons.

The real issue is what the OP is expected to accept and why, and what she is willing to accept. It is about his respect for her and their belief in fairness, and it is also about her boundaries, or the erosion of them over time.

Oh, and I agree with the poster who raised the issue about some men at work. As an ex senior manager myself, I just saw heaps of men working late and hardly any women. Who got the promotions? We did, that's who, leaving alot of the men resentful.

I even remember nearly not taking my first project management job because I was so worried about the hours my PM bosses always seemed to do, when I had a small child myself and was a single parent. I didnt do those silly hours, though, and ended up managing most of them, much to their delight.