DH has no sex drive whatsoever...

[chocolategateaudeluxe]

Ok, I posted this a while back in "AIBU", but it?s more suited for "Relationships". Here?s updated and more comprehensive version (bare with me)...

DH and me have been together for 9 years, are in our 30s, 2 DCs. We are in a relationship that can be described as happy, and we are both in good health. Friends always comment how loved up we always look.

DH has never been a very sexual person, more the ?cuddly? type, but over the last 3-4 years the amount of sex we have has gone down to about once (!!!) a year, and always on my initiative. Last time he initiated sex was when he was asleep (yes, sleep sex!) DC2 was conceived.

I?ve tried leaving him alone for months, but it makes no difference. The longest I?ve waited was one and a half years! Nothing. He has no sex drive whatsoever and has ?even? stopped masturbating (so it?s not just in relation to me - he says it?s simply not as exciting as it was in the beginning...).

After a lot of nagging, he agreed to go to GP to rule out any medical reasons ? turns out he?s in perfect health and his testosterone levels are normal, too. DH takes good care of himself, eats healthily and exercises 10 5 times a week. He is not stressed at work. He is also not gay. He does not react to any kind of visual sexual stimulation, from seeing me naked to watching pornography (which he finds ?silly? just like sexy underwear) so I can?t ?spice? things up because he doesn?t react to anything.

I said the next step will have to be counselling because I can not have this for the rest of our married lives. In view of the costs and time, DH said he would try and ?do the deed? twice a month (I?d be quite happy with that). Turns out it is not that easy, now, he even struggles to ?get it up? at all... It is getting worse and worse. He revealed to me he had insecurities about this since he was a child (!) (it never showed previously). Anyway, DH has now had an initial assessment for psychosexual therapy to see if he?s suitable, which we had to wait for for over a month (they said 1-2 weeks), now it will take another ?couple of weeks? until there is a free slot...

All I?m asking is for 2 shags a month (5-10 minutes) - no foreplay, just plain sex. How can any man find that such a burdin...? I mean, even if you?re not in the mood, cuddling and kissing usually helps to get things started... (I certainly never refused even when I was pregnant with DC1 and throwing up 10 x a day!).

I get a reasonable amount of attention from other men, this makes it even harder, but I don't want to sleep with anybody else. We?re a unit, we belong together, as a family, all of us. This is so frustrating...

Another, related problem, is that I would like to have DC3 NOW some time soon (DC2 is almost 4). Problem is, he doesn?t want a 3rd child. Says he wasn?t keen on the first two, but at the same time is the best dad in the world. There is no reason not to (financially speaking etc.) It would be the first planned child. And it is sooo wanted that it hurts. It feels like a loss if I think I won?t be able to have it. I look at DH and I look at my DCs and there?s just this void, someone?s missing. This might sound pathetic but that is just how it feels like. There is also a medical condition which would improve if I was PG, but I haven't told DH, it would just be extra pressure for him. Have also stopped telling him when I am on my period/ovulating, for the same reason. First two DCs were unplanned, but not unwanted. They just happened. At the right time. I thought it would be the same with any further DCs. DCs ?just happening? freaked DH out he wasn?t interested in contraception but what do you expect? which adds to the problem (?everytime we have sex you get pregnant?). But I really shouldn?t go into detail with that here - it really is another, separate, problem (though related, if that makes sense?). If both issues weren?t equally important, I would trade one for the other, that?s how desperate I am, but they are...

I am so frustrated... When will it get better. Will it ever get better? I don?t think it can: How can therapy talk you into having a sex drive, because this is how it seems to me, and DH. You can?t talk a gay person straight, why should it work with DH...?

Any opinions or experiences welcome.

What HereIGo said.

HereIgo, if you read the OP, the husband has a) gone to the doctors for physical checks b) they have had the chat 'I can't deal with this and c) he is the list for psychosexual therapy. He hasn't said 'that's me, nothing can be done', he even tried to have sex twice a month but couldn't actually do the deed.

If you select someone with a low sex drive, unless there is a physical or psychological reason underlying that, it may just be their inclination. I agree sex is an integral part of the marriage contract, I personally couldn't deal with this lack of interest in having sex with me and would find it incredibly upsetting. But you don't have a 'right' to make someone have sex, you do have a legal 'right' to leave if you can't stand it any longer.

he's going to a psycho sexual therapist. why don't people read the thread before coming on to say everyone else is wrong?

Ridulous.

While most couples do not have in-sync sex drives, this needs to be compromised one, like evrything else in a marriage, so that you reach an arrangement that you are both happy with.

Wake up, OP. Your third child is not wanted unless it is wanted by both of you, as he would be 50% of the parents. This may be why he won't have sex with you, or there may be another reason.

And he didn't want the first two? Then he shouldn't have got you pregnant or should have said he didn't want them, and again you would have had to reach a compromise.

Persoanlly, i would die not be happy to go without sex, as it is important to me and as a fully functioing adult, I have sexual needs. My husband knows this, and I know the same about him and we want the other to be happy so we accommodate and meet each others needs.

If he wants to have a sexless marriage, it should be with someone who also wants a sexless marriage.

If he wants to be married to you, and you want sex, he should compromise - whatever that compromise may be so that you are both happy.

You have my sympathy - i couldn't imagine living like you do.

Maybe the are alternative options? If he doesn't want sex, can he at least understand your desire for it? He should.

Would you consider, as someone said, an open relationship or your sexual needs being met by someone else? Athough of course, you should not have to resort to such measures, as i said it's nt unreasonable for your husband to meet (and more impoetantly, want to meet) yor sexual needs.

And you woud run the risk of meeting skemkne who meets all your needs, and this waking you up to the fact that you settled for what might be the wrong man in the first place...

I realise that soUnds harsh (I just read it back) but my husband would never do this to me - and I'm not talking about sex here, it could be anything) but we love each other so we communicate/compromise/support each other and because it is an emotionally fulfillng relationship and because we trust each other, this in turn means we respect each other, fancy eachother and shag like rabbits

This isn't meant to be 'look what I have', I was with my ex for 7 yrs and he never really satisfied me...he was a lovely, caring man, but ultimately we weren't compatable. There is someone who meets all your needs out there and this is what everyone deserves (e.g. My ex deserves to be with soemone who he is perfect for)

importantly

Although a fitting typo!

angeltattoo, he did warn her when they started dating. So, whilst I also think this is "ridiculous", it's for different reasons.

He did warn her (apologies, I posted the first one witout reading the entire thread but have caught up now) and that's why I came back with compatability.

If he wants a sexless marriage, it should be with someone who wants the same thing. It's the same for anything e.g. Wanting kids, wanting marriage, even wanting a new car or house or whatever.

They should compromise (although he is making an effort if he seeks help, I suppose) and if they cannot - for whatever reason - then perhaps they need to seperate?

I just think that everyone deserves to be happy, and IMHO that comes from being with someone who wants the same things as you.

That's why I used the example of my husband and my ex - both lovely men, one was right for me, the other was not and he should be with someone who is right, and makes him happy.

hereigo is saying what I am trying to, more eloquently and much better!

Good luck OP

People change. Maybe it was fine with the OP when he said he didn't want a lot of sex. Maybe they were having enough. It is well known that women come into their prime at a later time than men in a lot of cases. Whatever has gone before their is a problem now and it is very sad.

OP, having a baby to make you too knackered to think about sex is wrong and you know it. You really need to decide what you want to do from here on in and your DH really needs to at least discuss things with you and maybe a way of sorting out his libido. I understand how you are feeling and it isn't fun.

21 yearoldman i also noticed that you used the "well he did warn her" defence on another thread similar to this.
Im in a sexless marraiage too and when i met my husband he did warn me that he was in poor health. I was 19 and he was 42. Like i said upthread,young women need to be warned that there are all sorts of relationships out there instead of a lot of parents telling young women that "boys/men are only after one thing" just because the parents of young women are frightened that their teenage daughter is going to come home pregnant.
Oh and by the way 21yearoldman i was 3 months away from my 19th birthday when i met my dh. I didnt have any idea back then that there was any such thing as a sexless relationship (which brings me back to my first point) because YOUNG GIRLS ARENT TOLD.

Yes, he did warn me about his low sex drive but 1) it was always low - average, never gone, 2) I hoped it would be different because it was a lot better the first year or two than it had been with his previous Ps.

I have considered extramarital relationships and DH says he would not mind if I didn't tell him (it would be written all over my face), but I can't do it anyway. I'd have to emotionally detach from him to emotionally attach with someone else... How can I face DCs if I do that, sleep in the same bed as DH every night?

Some posters seem to have missed the fact that we have talked about this, in depth, and have sought porfessional help and DH is on the waiting list for therapy. But as it took him half a year to go to his GP in the first place and another half to get a referal (GP was constantly off work and DH did't want to talk to anybody else), I am running out of patience as he is likely to have to wait another couple of months to start therapy. I think he should try other things as well, particularly as neither of us thinks therapy will help, but he's not bothered in initiating anything.

DH is really sweet when I'm really down and crying yet again which happens on a regular basis now - he cuddles, says he wants to be with me foreover, how he loves familly life with me and how he adores our DCs. He helps in the household, is attentive and caring. But it's no substitute for a sex life.

Your initial post was long and complicated so it is not surprising posters, including me, missed some facts. I can't see what you can do but wait for the therapy. You have ruled out or tried all other avenues.
As he is happy to cuddle, have you suggested that he stimulate you, hand, vibe..... while cuddling? I know it's not the same intimacy as penetration, perhaps, but better than where you are now.

It may be time to check out of the marriage. You have put oodles of effort and time in and it's not working.

It is not selfish to want a fulfilling sex life or unreasonable.

It will corrode your marriage to the core if you continue. Sometimes it's better to opt out and be able to remain on good terms ESP where children are concerned.

HereIGo

Sex is a two way street.

Also, he is trying to get help, and her pressurising him into a third child he is not on board with it probably not helping matters.

No one deserves sex as does no one deserves children. You are sexually incompatible with your H, it happens and if the disparity in your libidos is too great for you, then you are allowed to let your H know and are entitled to end the relationship if you want. However, you've got your 'it will only take ten minutes, how difficult can it be' and 'I want a third child' blinkers on and your frustration is driving a desperate entitlement that won't help either of you, you've already dismissed him having childhood issues because it's inconvenient.

You don't have to have a accept a sexless relationship but you do need to accept that the relationship you're currently in is and continuing to stay in it, is a choice. Therapy

You H doesn't want a third child but you don't appear to be listening, why is that? When did your belief that sex is now an entitlement, even more so, since you've stayed? A third child might be a temporary distraction but it won't address the longstanding sexual incompatibility. Take a step back OP and take off the blinkers, it's time you started a conversation with your self, rather than focussing all your attention on the person you blame for the situation.

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