DH has no sex drive whatsoever...

[chocolategateaudeluxe]

Ok, I posted this a while back in "AIBU", but it?s more suited for "Relationships". Here?s updated and more comprehensive version (bare with me)...

DH and me have been together for 9 years, are in our 30s, 2 DCs. We are in a relationship that can be described as happy, and we are both in good health. Friends always comment how loved up we always look.

DH has never been a very sexual person, more the ?cuddly? type, but over the last 3-4 years the amount of sex we have has gone down to about once (!!!) a year, and always on my initiative. Last time he initiated sex was when he was asleep (yes, sleep sex!) DC2 was conceived.

I?ve tried leaving him alone for months, but it makes no difference. The longest I?ve waited was one and a half years! Nothing. He has no sex drive whatsoever and has ?even? stopped masturbating (so it?s not just in relation to me - he says it?s simply not as exciting as it was in the beginning...).

After a lot of nagging, he agreed to go to GP to rule out any medical reasons ? turns out he?s in perfect health and his testosterone levels are normal, too. DH takes good care of himself, eats healthily and exercises 10 5 times a week. He is not stressed at work. He is also not gay. He does not react to any kind of visual sexual stimulation, from seeing me naked to watching pornography (which he finds ?silly? just like sexy underwear) so I can?t ?spice? things up because he doesn?t react to anything.

I said the next step will have to be counselling because I can not have this for the rest of our married lives. In view of the costs and time, DH said he would try and ?do the deed? twice a month (I?d be quite happy with that). Turns out it is not that easy, now, he even struggles to ?get it up? at all... It is getting worse and worse. He revealed to me he had insecurities about this since he was a child (!) (it never showed previously). Anyway, DH has now had an initial assessment for psychosexual therapy to see if he?s suitable, which we had to wait for for over a month (they said 1-2 weeks), now it will take another ?couple of weeks? until there is a free slot...

All I?m asking is for 2 shags a month (5-10 minutes) - no foreplay, just plain sex. How can any man find that such a burdin...? I mean, even if you?re not in the mood, cuddling and kissing usually helps to get things started... (I certainly never refused even when I was pregnant with DC1 and throwing up 10 x a day!).

I get a reasonable amount of attention from other men, this makes it even harder, but I don't want to sleep with anybody else. We?re a unit, we belong together, as a family, all of us. This is so frustrating...

Another, related problem, is that I would like to have DC3 NOW some time soon (DC2 is almost 4). Problem is, he doesn?t want a 3rd child. Says he wasn?t keen on the first two, but at the same time is the best dad in the world. There is no reason not to (financially speaking etc.) It would be the first planned child. And it is sooo wanted that it hurts. It feels like a loss if I think I won?t be able to have it. I look at DH and I look at my DCs and there?s just this void, someone?s missing. This might sound pathetic but that is just how it feels like. There is also a medical condition which would improve if I was PG, but I haven't told DH, it would just be extra pressure for him. Have also stopped telling him when I am on my period/ovulating, for the same reason. First two DCs were unplanned, but not unwanted. They just happened. At the right time. I thought it would be the same with any further DCs. DCs ?just happening? freaked DH out he wasn?t interested in contraception but what do you expect? which adds to the problem (?everytime we have sex you get pregnant?). But I really shouldn?t go into detail with that here - it really is another, separate, problem (though related, if that makes sense?). If both issues weren?t equally important, I would trade one for the other, that?s how desperate I am, but they are...

I am so frustrated... When will it get better. Will it ever get better? I don?t think it can: How can therapy talk you into having a sex drive, because this is how it seems to me, and DH. You can?t talk a gay person straight, why should it work with DH...?

Any opinions or experiences welcome.

I too live in a sexless relationship and it is crap. Hatti that link was brilliant just sums up exactly how I feel, slowly it completely erodes your confidence. OP in my experience things are unlikely to change unless he does therapy and as the years go by it only seems to get worse, sorry not very positive. If your DH is willing to attend therapy, at least he is willing to try, it sounds like he has serious hangup about sex, possibly something that happened to him in childhood? perhaps he is conditioned to think sex is dirty.?

OP, if his lack of libido stems from something in his childhood hopefully you will find out more when he goes for counselling. I also think you have to forget having a 3rd baby with him even if your sex life improved; he's told you he doesn't want a 3rd, that the 2 you have were unplanned and unwanted (OK, he's turned out to be a good father but what issues has that caused too!) so you must respect his wishes. You two rarely have sex yet you've managed to conceive twice, so I wouldn't be surprised if he's scared to do it again in case you get pregnant. If you feel your life is incomplete without baby 3 then perhaps you could benefit with talking that through with a counsellor.

tbh it sounds to me like his lack of libido is related to his not wanting children. you say the others were soooo wanted and a third is soooo wanted but actually it's only by you that they were wanted. he's stepped up and is a good dad but doesn't want anymore children. if every time you have sex you get pregnant then if i was him i'd feel a bit set up (though yes he should use contraception if he doesn't want a child) in that it's a bit of coincidence isn't it that you managed to have sex at exactly the right moment?

he might well feel you're after his sperm which i suspect maybe you are given you want a third child and don't seem to take his desire not to have one seriously. i think you need to give up on the third child or leave him to have one on your own or with someone else if you can't accept it. to be honest if someone had sex with me when i was asleep - even if i seemed to 'initiate' it in some way i would feel quite violated especially if they then got pregnant with a child that i didn't want as a result of shagging me in my sleep.

i think you're not looking at this from his perspective at all and haven't tended to look at his perspective in your relationship. he does not want another child, you have two children that he didn't want to have but has been a good father to already. you have to accept that or leave imo.

think of it this way imagine a woman coming on here and saying that her husband had had sex with her in her sleep and gotten her pregnant knowing she didn't want another child, that she had been off of sex for a while but he claimed she had 'initiated' it in her sleep so he'd gone ahead. can you imagine the response?

A bit of sympathy wouldn't go amiss here from a few posters.

Crestico - as a man, I can categorically say that is a load of crap. There's nothing biologically correct in that statement at all.

OP - no real answer I'm afraid, as to me it just sounds as if he's not that interested anymore. His comment that 'it's not as exciting as at the beginning' could be telling, in that maybe his expectations around lustful, passionate, can't get enough sex, are somewhat skewed and he's finding it hard to reconcile the reality of daily life/monotony with perhaps how it was before. Unfortunately though, that is his problem not yours and not sure how to get around it.
I'm not sure how agreeing a twice monthly 10 minute shag is really going to make you feel better though - more than likely worse, if that is all it is.
Personally I think you have every right, once you have stated your case and explained fully, to propose giving in to some of the other attention you are getting, if the physical side is something you can't live without. To some extent he has absolved himself of the right to expect fidelity (but I'll probably get slaughtered for saying that).
Good luck

OP, I've just noticed the part of your post where you said you had sex with him while he was asleep and conceived a child he didn't want (no idea how I missed that)... That is disturbing on many different levels.

There was a huge thread in relationships about a woman who's husband had sex with her while she was sleeping - it is rape.

It isn't that much of a surprise that after DS2 was conceived that his sex drive became non existent. You should go to counselling together, not for his sex drive but to talk about that particular night, how he feels about you having sex with him while he was asleep and conceiving another unplanned child. I think the fact that his sex drive dropped after dc2 was born and the way he was conceived will have a lot to do with not wanting to have sex with you now. If those feelings are explored and resolved through counselling then that may improve your sex life now.

Also, pressuring him for another child that he doesn't want isn't right, you have to respect his wishes.

I know how hard it is being in a sexless relationship but I think it is important that you face up to your part in this too.

i think you're not looking at this from his perspective at all and haven't tended to look at his perspective in your relationship

I agree with this. Your post comes across very 'me, me, me' OP. I do sympathise with you on the sex issue but it is what it is: for whatever reason, he doesn't want sex. It's not about you trying to force him to want sex, it's about you working out what your boundaries and limits are and giving him a timeframe to deal with the problem before you decide what you're going to do next. It sounds like he's taken the first steps with the psychosexual therapy, which is a lot more than people (men or women) have done on other threads. Can you not just let this take its course and see what can be done? Afterwards, if nothing's changed, you can look at where you see things going.

Regarding the 3rd baby thing, park it. That's your ovaries talking, not your brain. Seriously, read your post again. On the one hand, you're talking about a major incompatibility between you, on the other, you're talking about bringing another child into the mix. He has said that's not what he wants so you need to leave that be OP, now is not the right time and ultimately, he may not be the right person.

It could be your ovaries speaking. Or you could just want some sex, adult love and attention, and failing that, a baby is an emotional substitute.

I genuinely hope your husband has some luck with the psycho-sexual counselling.

If sex is important to you and you have zero sex life then you have some big decisions to make.

I don't think this is a sudden change in this relationship, or due to the getting pregnant unexpectedly/children, that's him making excuses about why he doesn't want to have sex with his wife.

My feeling is that he's always been like this, I bet he wasn't at it all the time in the early days either. I know at least two friends whose male partners are simply uninterested in sex, going from probably once a month in the early days (which is pretty sparse) down to less than once a year, or even just to have children (in one instance, they actually had IVF and I'm pretty sure it was because there was no sex not because of major fertility issues).

What I've noticed in these relationships, is that the friend knew this early on (about the sexual lack of interest and incompability) but ignored it as they wanted to get married and have a family and basically overrode these warning signs about lack of engagement/interest. Interestingly enough, in one case, the husband is also rather unengaged with the children, it may be due to depression.

I also notice you say he exercises a lot to (10x a week), again, I've seen this pattern before, an over-exerciser who puts all their energy into their work/exercise regime, but turns over and starts snoring before any sex is on the cards.

I don't think you can expect people to fundamentally change, and some people simply aren't that interested in sex. I would be surprised if he had a sex addiction to porn, I think it's far more likely he's just uninterested at a baseline level. Because men are supposed to think about it all the time, people don't think this can be true, and of course if it happens more suddenly, it could be due to depression/sexual trauma/stresses and strains of married life, but here, it's fairly obvious he's not and never has been up for it in great quantities.

I also think you wanting a third child even though he doesn't does rather reveal you might have made this compromise about wanting a family rather than wanting him in particular- I really believe it would be wrong to have another child if your partner doesn't want one. You chose this man, including his low libido, and my betting is that any amount of therapy on his part won't massively change it, as he's simply not fussed about sex.

I think some posters have been a bit harsh. To go SO long without sex and intimacy must be really hard! Your confidence must be rock bottom. I have a friend with this problem and she feels completely undesirable.

How was the sex at the start of your relationship? Did he want it much then?

i appreciate it must be hard but it's a bit much to ignore the fact that the last time she had sex with him she did it when he was asleep and conceived a child he hadn't wanted. that's kind of a big thing no?

If you read the OP, it says HE intiated sex whilst asleep not that she jumped on him when he was asleep. I guess she means he was half-asleep, a middle of the night type of experience, which is not unusual. He may have been hiding behind his sleepiness, if he was genuinely in a deep sleep it seems unlikely he would have initiated and had full sex with no awareness whatsoever, if this was the case, it would be very disturbing indeed.

thank you for your posts. it's good to get a mix of opinions...

just to answer some of the reoccuring questions/suggestions:

DH doesn't use porn, I know that. He's never been into it, not even when he had a sex drive.

He has no childhood issues. He seems to have some issues with (sexual)performance which started in late childhood/early puberty but they are not related to a particular event.

He does exercise a lot, but he is not exhausted with it. He's just very athletic. And he definitely doesn't take steroids, he's doing it to maintain weight not build up muscle.

Ok, as for conception of DCs. DC1 was conceived because DH's sperm survived a week. I had successfully used NFP for years and years with previous Ps. Genuine mistake. DH didn't want to use condoms because put him off so much that they interfered with his... erm... performance.
Second time with DC2, DH initiated sex whilst half asleep (which, at the time, he did every couple of weeks). I had talked to him about this, and he said he knows he's doing it, so I didn't rape him, neither did he rape me FGS!

As to how sex was in the beginning. Like I said, sex was never really important for him. At the beginning of our relationship he said he was surprised at how much sex we were having (couple of times a week), and warned me that he had a low sex drive and never had as much sex with previous partners.

I don't think I am being unfair for wanting to have some sex with my DH. I don't think I put too much pressure on him, I left him alone for months and monhs. I just think he's unfair because there is no compromise. No sex is not the mean of "sex twice a week" and "no sex"!

And as to wanting a DC3 now. I think it would be a great solution because apart from our sex life (which DH doesn't even seee as a problem because he doesn't miss it) our relationship is perfect. The way I see it is, he's denying me a sex life and DC3. These are major issues. And a DC3 would sort out our sex problem for another 3,4 years (as I would be shattered). If he can't fix his sex drive this he can fix.

OP I feel your pain. But it sounds like he is in some way trying to address the problem, which is positive. You are not being unfair wanting sex with your husband. Ask yourself where you will be in 4 years time if you do have a DC3, because it is not a solution to your sexual incompatibility.

The way I see it is, he's denying me a sex life and DC3. These are major issues. And a DC3 would sort out our sex problem for another 3,4 years (as I would be shattered).

I'm sorry but that's one of the stupidest things I've ever read on here. Jeez, talk about a 'band-aid' baby.

What will you do then in 3-4 years time when you want to 'address' the problem again?

Oh, OP, how sad .

I wanted to post, because I recently posted a very similar post, except in my case it is me who has no sex drive anymore. I was desperate with worry about it, because like you, our relationship was really good apart from the fact that I simply do not want to have sex with my DH any more.
PLEASE let me dispel some myths. First of all, this does not mean the end of your marriage. It might mean the end of your marriage if it doesn't improve, and you continue to be unhappy, but it doesn't mean that as a matter of fact it is over now. Having gone on this journey myself, I can tell you that this is actually a much more common problem than people think, it's just that it is so taboo, people can't bear to tell anyone (let alone their partner) that they just don't want to have sex with them anymore.

Secondly, I do think that joint relationship/sex therapy is the key. I bought a book called 'ReKindling Desire' on Amazon which is actually pretty brilliant (despite being a bit American) and it is really good but said you can't do it alone, you need someone who is an expert to help. and that sex can come back even when you think it looks very unlikely. Now I know that you say your DH never had much sex drive but I'm guessing that if you even had sex twice a week like in the beginning, you'd be more than happy, so you can aim for that.

I've recently started the therapy and it has been a revelation. It made me realise that sex is mainly about things which go in your head, and that if you can start to tap into that, there is every hope that you can go back eventually to having a sex life which works for both of you. I cannot recommend it enough, although I should warn you that it is also emotionally exhausting!

Second myth - that you are somehow less desirable. This is utter nonsense. I can tell you, from the position of someone who doesn't currently want to have sex with their DH, that none of this is about 'oh, I don't think he is attractive'. I know he is. Other women fawn over him. I think he's attractive. But I'm tied up inside at the thought of sex. In many ways, this isn't about you.

But having said all of this you HAVE to do the therapy in my view. I don't think anyone should have to put up with a life of no or horribly unsatisfactory sex! You deserve to have a sex life that you're happy with (even if its not swinging from the chandeliers every night). I have realised that both me and my DH deserve this, and hopefully we can make it, but if we can't, I know we'll move on rather than live with it.

I wish you EVERY bit of luck. If I was playing amateur psychologist, I'd say that it sounds like sex has become about children for him, but it could be anything, and you need to explore it. It won't magically come back, you know (believe me I tried everything to get my sex drive back).

xx

and warned me that he had a low sex drive and never had as much sex with previous partners.

Well you can't say he didn't warn you. Lots of people who know they have low libidos based on past experience don't tell new partners that, which is arguably reeling the new partners in under false pretences.

There's so much wrong with your last post that it would take too long to go into it. One thing is clear though: you don't get to have your cake and eat it. Your dh has a low sex drive and even if you had a 3rd, in a few years, you'd be on here again complaining about his libido.

Why don't you be honest with him and say:
'I need you as a sperm donor. Please give me another child after which we can separate and co-parent amicably and I can get a shag somewhere else.'

It's pretty clear from the above that one of the reasons he won't have sex with you is that he's feeling your child desperation.

And as to wanting a DC3 now. I think it would be a great solution

And a DC3 would sort out our sex problem for another 3,4 years (as I would be shattered). If he can't fix his sex drive this he can fix.

No, it wouldn't. You don't create babies to fix broken relationships, that doesn't work and its irresponsible and unfair of you. You and your husband need to go to counselling, and to be honest OP, you need to grow up.

I thought you would have known he had a low sex drive from early on, and my guess is that you intiated this twice a week, given that he was really surprised and warned you he wouldn't be able to keep it up (literally). He told you up front sex wasn't important to him, and now its dwindled to really not important at all.

I think in every marriage or partnership, you make the trade, no-one is perfect. My guess, as I said before, is that you traded the fact that you get on very well, are happy, both wantd a family and family life, for a marriage with a man who doesn't like sex very much (and never did). It's to his credit that he is prepared to try going to the doctors, and to therapy, albeit reluctantly, because if he's truthful, he doesn't see the problem as he's pretty much always been like this.

It is true that the mean of twice a week and never is not never. But, honestly, how often did you do it twice a week? I bet it had dwindled long before children and tiredness set in.

I think you have two options (well, option three is he goes for therapy and magically rediscovers his sex drive, but I don't believe for one moment that will happen, it's always been low). One is to appreciate what you do have in the marriage and your happy family and not want to break that up for sex (would he consider an open relationship, I guess not but it may be something to explore). The other is to acknowledge that sex is a very important part of your life and you want to have that again and to move on.

Your argument about having a 3rd child to cover up the cracks about your sex life is crazy, it would only be 'low' for a few years, plus although you would tell yourself that the lack of sex was due to children and your libido, you would know the truth which is already eating away at your self-esteem and causing you to look elsewhere (entirely natural). Plus, he doesn't want one and that has to be that, very sad but you can't make someone a parent again if they don't want to be one.

I don't think the op was being totally serious about the baby solving the problem.

Op. So when he told you at the beginning that he wasn't really into sex how did you feel about it?

I think she is you know.

I dont think it helps that as young girls our parents often start to panic when we start dating boys. How many times as girls do our parents tell us. "watch out lads are only after one thing"
Come on how many parents would actually sit their young daughters down and say to them "Well actually not all men are after one thing.Some of them arent actually interested in sex"
Maybe if more parents didnt stick to stereotypes when talking to their daughters about realationships then maybe more young women would spot the signs of this in someone and be more prepared.

so you want another baby with a man who doesn't want one because it would help your health problem whilst pregnant and you also see it as a solution to your relationship problems? that's beyond fucked up imo.