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Original poster

So I've just found out he cheated on me years ago

33 replies

Marwoir · 26/04/2012 17:42

My OH has a hatred of paperwork and gave me carte blanche to deal with a large box of his old post - got halfway through it and found a letter from an old friend of his (I knew her too). Turns out he slept with her whilst they were on a group holiday, the letter is her saying how angry she is with him for treating her like crap.
This dates from about 8 years ago, we had been together about 6 months.
I know it was early on, and it sounds like he gave her the brush off in my favour. But we were definitely in a relationship at that time, and he has never mentioned it. Also, I know that some of our other friends must have known.
I'm at home with the baby, and he's not home for a couple of hours. Feeling pretty crap (tbh, 8 months at home with a baby hasn't exactly done wonders for my confidence or our relationship). Could do with a bit of hand holding please!

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 26/04/2012 17:45

If you trust him now , I would just let it go tbh.

saintlyjimjams · 26/04/2012 17:48

I'm not surprised you're upset. I think you'll have to tell you know him otherwise it will come out in a row :( just show him the letter and see what he says.

LackaDAILYcarb · 26/04/2012 17:48

It was so long ago, and if there has been no reason to suspect him since, I would definately let it go. It soulds like it may have been a last thing before settling down with you, to make sure he was sure. And though that doesn't excuse his behaviour, is there any mileage in bringing it all up now? would it not do further damage to what you are saying is a quite fragile patch in your relationship.

Busybusybust · 26/04/2012 17:48

Agree with US. But if you are not going to be able to forget it then you have to say something - but remember, he chose you and is still with you + baby..........does it really matter now?

curiositykitten · 26/04/2012 17:49

Why on earth would he keep a letter like that?

Original poster
Marwoir · 26/04/2012 17:50

Well that's the thing - I would have said I have always trusted him to be faithful. That was one of the things I always thought I was 100% sure of, even when we first got together (we'd been good friends for a while before that).
I'm inclined not to make a big deal of it, it was early days etc. But it has winded me a bit, if you know what I mean.
Also I'm in no mood to pretend everything's fine, so I guess I'm going to have to tell him I found the bloody letter. That'll teach him not to open his sodding bank statements.

OP posts:
LackaDAILYcarb · 26/04/2012 17:53

Sorry, DH came home and my DS pressed buttons and posted for me!

Yes, by all means say you came across it, but in a non challenging way if that's possible. I can understand you being upset, my DH exchanged some raunchy letters with an ex whilst we were on a break and it really upset me, even though we were temporarily over.

Original poster
Marwoir · 26/04/2012 17:57

Ha, curiosity, because he is so useless when it comes to admin, anything that's on an A4 piece of paper just gets shoved in the nearest box/bag/drawer.
Thanks for replies though, I just needed some perspective from people who are not a) 8 months old or b) a sympathetic but mute terrier.

OP posts:
cenicienta · 26/04/2012 17:57

Sorry you're in this situation.

I have to disagree with previous posters. I wouldn't be able to let it go. I would need the opportunity to get angry with him, give him the opportunity to tell the whole truth and ask for forgiveness, know what I was about to forgive then make the decision to forgive and move on (if I felt I could) .

Anything less than that would mean a life of never really knowing, never really trusting him, resentment building up, bitterness creeping in and always wondering what the friends did or didn't know.

Hope you can find some resolution.

Oogaballoo · 26/04/2012 18:03

I'm sorry that this happened and that you found out now, at what is a low point for you and your relationship. You sound like you're going through a rough patch- young baby, at home, all the stresses and readjustments that come with...but I really hope this doesn't hurt your self-esteem and confidence more. That would be so sad for you :( It was him that did this, even it was 8 years ago. I know that horrible sick feeling well and the emotional reaction to finding something like this it isn't a thing you can really control, but I hope you can work through it.

MadAboutHotChoc · 26/04/2012 18:05

I am not surprised you are upset.

It was during the honeymoon part of your relationship while things were still new and fresh - its not as if things were dull and stale as in a long term relationship.

You realise he is not the man you thought he was.

You probably wonder what else he is keeping from you and if he has had other affairs.

And why on earth did he keep the letter - did the affair mean something to him?

gafhyb · 26/04/2012 18:06

There's no way you should not tell him you found it. He deceived you and this would compound that, IMO. The truth needs to come out now.

I can understand how hard it must be at this particular point. I hope that if you want to, you can get past this.

gafhyb · 26/04/2012 18:07

Blimey - great double negative above. What I meant to say was - tell him you found it!

Losingitall · 26/04/2012 18:10

I couldn't let it go. I'd have to tell him I found it, and I'd want an explanation!

I'd also want to know why he kept the bloody thing!

BillyBollyBandy · 26/04/2012 18:14

Me and DH have been together over 6 years. When we had been together 6 months, we were in love, had been on holiday together and I was getting to the point where I knew I wanted to be with him forever.

If I found out that while I was thinking like that he was shagging his mate on a group holiday, then

  1. he wouldn't be the man I thought I knew
  2. I would have finished with him on the spot had I found out
  3. I would be worried my judgement was so wrong someone I trusted 100% could do this and keep is successfully from me
  4. I would be worried what else don't I know, and as he has cheated "successfully" once how many other times has it happened, with the OW or others

There is not a chance I would ignore it.

Original poster
Marwoir · 26/04/2012 19:05

Thanks all.
Billy I fear you sum it up perfectly.
Ergh, this is rubbish.

OP posts:
BillyBollyBandy · 26/04/2012 19:22

Sorry Marwoir Sad

cheesecakeplease · 26/04/2012 19:32

Sorry to hear your going through this Marwoir. I started a thread on here last week with the same kind of thing....finding out something from the past. There maybe some advice on that thread that maybe of some help? Hatty especially wrote about how i feel,and others were equally helpful.

I hope you can get it sorted, and i would advise that you talk to your OH about it.

Smile
Original poster
Marwoir · 26/04/2012 20:15

So I managed to confront him in a fairly dramatic fashion as he walked in just as the baby started screaming. Oops. He didn't recognise the letter, and said it looked worse than it was...no sex involved, she kissed him, he had tried to let her down gently and she went a bit nuts hence the letter. That still makes it sound as if he was a bit of a cad, but I think I believe him. 90% certain. Before today I would have said he's a rubbish liar and totally faithful.
Still feel a bit pants but think we'll get over it. Thanks for being such a nice bunch!

OP posts:
BillyBollyBandy · 26/04/2012 20:16

I would believe my DH if he said that, and I could see that from the letter. Do you think you misread what was said? Why did you think he had had sex with her?

GiantPuffball · 26/04/2012 20:18

I wouldn't believe him about it just being a kiss.

Pleasehelpifyoucan · 26/04/2012 20:22

If his explanation tallies with the letter, I would believe it. If it was way more incriminating (i.e. it actually says they had sex) there's more of an issue, but if they had, it's less likely he would have kept the letter.

Lizzylou · 26/04/2012 20:28

Believe him.
If he'd shagged her, useless with paperwork or no, the letter would be compost.

Unrequited love/lust on her part, not worthy of a mention on his.

I do understand why you'd feel shit though, when I was at home with my babies, I felt completely invisible. Unless the letter points to something more (on HIS part, not her longings) then just move on.

usualsuspect · 26/04/2012 20:36

I would believe him and try to move on .

ImperialBlether · 26/04/2012 20:38

I think you should move on, but I have to say it sounds a bit odd. She makes a move, he (presumably) tells her he's involved with you so doesn't want her. She then sends him a letter? I'd be hiding under a hedge somewhere, scarlet with embarrassment, not writing a letter that he may well show you.