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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Permission to vent here and ask a question.

38 replies

atosilis · 26/04/2012 14:47

I have posted on here before about living with a H who had a stroke, is retired and drinks a lot.

To save my sanity, I have to see friends at the weekends. They don't live close by as we have moved, so it usually means an overnight trip or we can meet halfway for a day.
Unfortunately, 2 of these trips were the last 2 weekends, haven't been away for weeks before that. When I mentioned that I am going camping with friends for at the beginning of June (for 3rd year in a row) he went mental. I said that I would not be shouted at and I went for a walk. Silent treatment for the rest of the evening.

Yesterday I went to work all day then drove a long way for an evening meeting and to meet our youngest daughter. Took her for a meal, drove back in the torrential rain and didn't get in until nearly midnight. Nearly crying with exhaustion. Not ONCE did he text or ring to check I'd got there ok.

This morning he shouted at me again for not putting things away. I muttered under my breath and he heard it. Louder shouting.

Basically, he doesn't want to go out or be social and wants me to stay in with him and live his life. He's not bad, just very sad. I'm exhausted.
He won't contemplate my parents joining us on holiday (my mum urgently needs one) and won't allow me to take them as we haven't got the money.

He thinks I am being the baddy, unloving and selfish. Am I being unloving and selfish? Am I as blind as I think he is?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/04/2012 14:56

Of course not. He sounds depressed, selfish and angry - possibly because of the alcohol as well as anything else - and there's no reason you should be sucked into his misery or accept bad treatment just because you happen to be his wife. He probably needs some kind of professional help to address his problems... that's something you could suggest to him. But it's not in your gift to fix his life.

Well done making a life for yourself. You can't rely on him for affection, support or any of the other normal 'husband' qualities by the sound of it so don't feel bad that you choose to spend time with people that make you feel better rather than worse. If he doesn't buck his ideas up & carries on the same way you'll probably find you spend more and more time without him and, one day, not come home at all.

Oogaballoo · 26/04/2012 14:56

You are not being a baddy at all. It isn't fair for him to expect you to live like a hermit because he is- you are allowed to support him AND have a social life with friends and relatives. It also isn't fair for you to be a target for his frustration and unhappiness. Shouting at one's partner for trivial things is unacceptable. As is labeling you all of those nasty things just because you won't do what he wants.

He needs to see someone about this. Excessive drinking, withdrawing from the world, being short-tempered and nasty...none of this is good for him or you. And I don't think you deserve to live like this with someone who you feel you have to escape from to preserve your sanity. Something needs to change, and it shouldn't be you.

How long ago was his stroke? Did he start acting like this after it happened, or after he retired? Or has he always acted this way?

WMDinthekitchen · 26/04/2012 14:58

Does your DH see any of his own friends? How has his mobility/speech etc been affected by the stroke? Is he able to drive? Presumably he can manage in the house when on his own.

He could get in touch with the Stroke Association as they have local branches www.stroke.org.uk/in_your_area/index.html although I realise he may not wish to be among others like himself.

Are you able to discuss this with him at all? I can understand that life is difficult for him and that he may feel lonely but you have needs too. Does your H not want to go out? I notice he didn't go with you to meet your daughter. What does she feel about it?

Sorry if this is all answered on a previous thread...

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 26/04/2012 15:07

"Permission to vent" ???
"he shouted at me again for..."
"When I mentioned that ...he went mental"
"He won't contemplate ..."
"won't allow me to..."

Sweatheart. Please: stop seeking permission from others, and thus allowing them to control you, and instead give yourself permission to be happy.

Here is your bill of rights

Original poster
atosilis · 26/04/2012 15:09

GAAAAH, just wrote an essay and it's gone.

Thanks already, I feel better knowing that I'm not selfish and unloving.

Things will come to a head tonight as I can feel him simmering and the pressure rising from here - 40mins away.

Reading your comments will allow me to speak quietly and calmly. I will say that he has to get professional help.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 26/04/2012 15:13

I will say that he has to get professional help.

and if he chooses not to get any?

izzyizin · 26/04/2012 15:15

You may need some professional help too, honey - it's not easy being a 'carer' and your h sounds as if he'd try the patience of a saint.

Original poster
atosilis · 26/04/2012 15:28

If he chooses not to get any, I will ring his doctor and make an appointment.

I am seeing a counsellor who is brilliant. Oh, that's another bugbear of his, "All that money you waste on that woman". He blames her for 'putting ideas' in my head.

He's been ominously quiet yesterday and today. After all that travelling yesterday, I got home to make my sandwich for work - NO bread left! Hadn't gone out at all.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 26/04/2012 15:31

I will ring his doctor and make an appointment.

Who is responsible for his health: you, or him?

Who is responsible for your wellbeing: him (changing to suit you), or you?

izzyizin · 26/04/2012 15:33

You might point out to him that, far from putting ideas into your head, all that money you waste on that woman is preventing you from sticking a hatchet in his head.

If it saves you doing a stretch in Holloway, I'd say it's money well spent Grin

Original poster
atosilis · 26/04/2012 15:44

HotDAMN - It might show him that that is how I care, I can't make him go but I'm opening the door to help.

izzy - :-)

Don't forget that if he has another stroke and I'm away, it will be MY fault. (That does concern me whenever I'm away)

OP posts:
izzyizin · 26/04/2012 16:31

Regardless of whether you're present or absent, of course it will be your fault if he has another stroke.

How could it be anyone else's? Obviously it would be thoroughly unreasonable for you or anyone else to expect a grown man who is mobile enough to abuse alcohol go shopping to be responsible for his own health and wellbeing, wouldn't it? Hmm

C'est la vie or le morte, as the case may be. At least you know what to put on his headstone; 'It's Your Fault I'm Here' Grin

Original poster
atosilis · 27/04/2012 10:26

It's ok everyone, everything easily sorted. After a discussion last night and this morning, he doesn't need to see a doctor or therapist.

His depression will go if I have sex with him and he feels like a man again. Hmm

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 27/04/2012 10:27

Of course! WHY had none of us considered that?

Helltotheno · 27/04/2012 10:29

Tell him you wouldn't want him to have another stroke then pack your bags...

5318008 · 27/04/2012 10:32

Do you want to stay with him? I know leaving someone who is ill seems callous but what is in the relationship for you?

You mention visiting a DD, do you have any children still at home?

Sorry for all the questions

Original poster
atosilis · 27/04/2012 10:40

531 -Funnily enough I asked that. I pointed out that I paid into the joint account but that he was getting cross at what I spent my 'spending' money on (seeing my friends). So he gets to be annoyed/upset at my spare time and my spare money. I said, "What am I getting out of this?"
He said that he did the cleaning and cooking. Meh, I did that for YEARS.

I pointed out that I asked him to come with me to a HUGE art exhibition in London, tickets were sold out very quickly. He said that I never asked him. Bollox, I wanted someone to go with but went alone. He swears that I never asked him.

And that's when he came out with the, "It's your fault, I wouldn't be so unhappy if we had sex".

He does sound very contrite on the phone this morning and is absorbing the things I've said. The bursting in to tears and leaving in the car is a sight that, I hope, is searing his eyeballs.

OP posts:
Original poster
atosilis · 27/04/2012 10:42

All children left home and actually have a beautiful baby grandson (weeks old) so leaving now would be awful. The weird thing is that I had actually seen a solicitor to see the lie of the land just before he had the stroke. I was hoping that recovering from the stroke would give him a new lease of life and desire to live life to its fullest.

OP posts:
21YrOldMan · 27/04/2012 10:53

Well it obviously hasn't, so finish what you started years ago.

21YrOldMan · 27/04/2012 10:57

To quote you =, december '08, "I think that I will only get totally healthy and happy if I go."

4 years later, what's happened?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 27/04/2012 10:57

What 21YOMan said.

All children left home and actually have a beautiful baby grandson (weeks old) so leaving now would be awful.

I fail to see the logical sequence in this. What does the child/grandchild situation have to do with it?

Leaving is never easy, at any time. Doesn't make it any less the best solution for your own wellbeing and self-respect.

Pleasehelpifyoucan · 27/04/2012 11:02

I also don't see why leaving now would be awful, actually I think it would be a sensible response to unhappiness.

You only get one life, if he hasn't learned the lesson of his stroke, perhaps you should, and get one that is happier than at present.

Thumbwitch · 27/04/2012 11:13

He sounds miserable and self-absorbed in his misery. He doesn't like seeing you have a life because he's envious of it; he doesn't want you to leave him to see friends because he's probably a) scared and b) scared you'll enjoy yourself without him and c) scared you'll decide never to return because he's miserable.

He probably doesn't realise much of that himself - he's too self-absorbed in his "poor me" state. He needs to sort that out. You might need to mention it again.

TheHappyHissy · 27/04/2012 11:16

He's an emotional terrorist! He's holding you to ransom. he begrudges EVERY bit of respite, freedom you have and expects you to be at his side, waiting on his every whim, being shouted at, and insulted.

Stroke or no stroke, you are being treated VERY poorly. By the sounds of it, he couldn't care less about your emotional wellbeing. he just wants to strip you of every element of joy in your life.

Unless you have sex with him.... [vom]

You feel guilty as he is now less able than he was. But he's making your life a misery. Your situation is horrific, no-one would choose to live like that.

Get out. please. You need the space. IF it shocks him into being a decent human being, then you can always go back... if not, you can get on with seeing people that love you and that want you to be happy.

No man is worth this. Not one.

mummytime · 27/04/2012 11:18

Leaving sounds like the best thing you could do. You don't even have the guilt of young children, or worrying about them on custody visits.

As an elderly lady I met last year, during a job I was doing said, "If you want to do something do it now, you never know what will happen next". Her DH had had a stroke shortly after retiring and they hadn't been able to do the travelling they had planned.

Go and live your life.