How can I get DH to understand when i'm not in the mood?

[MiseryBusiness]

He gets upset if I dont want to have sex. Not in a tearful way or anything like that and he says it's fine but I can tell he takes it to heart.
I suffer from depression and anxiety and its particularly bad at the moment and I just can relax enough to get in the mood so to speak.
I've tried telling him that it's not him and it really isnt and that I'm just feeling so lost, frustrated and low at the moment that it's the last thing on my mind. He thinks because no matter what mood he is in he is always up for it, I should be too.
We do have sex regularly, dont get me wrong but DH would like it every night. If we go longer then one or two nights then DH will say things like ''are we having an early night tonight?'' and that kind of thing and if I'm already not feeling like it, this kind of talk puts me off even more.
I want him to understand that its not him and he shouldn't take it personally.

Just keep going with a firm no. I used to be in the exact same situation, dp would go off in a sulk if we didn't have it more than twice a week. It took some time, a few talks about how we were both feeling, how the sulks aren't acceptable and how no means no but eventually we got to a point we were both comfortable with.

I think what I'm trying to say is that everyone is different, you will have to both find your own way to get through this. Do what works for you boh.

Are you satisfied with the sex that you do have? I have been going through a similar time lately with DP and am beginning to reconcile some problems, so maybe I can help.
Forgoing fore-play is not an option.
If the sex you]re having (you say quite regularly), is mainly for his pleasure then of course you wont feel enthused to do it every day, if you feel like you're just there for him to get pleasure from, if this is the case then I recommend talking to him or showing him what will make it more mindblowing exciting for you.
I think men do have a tendency to skip to what they see as instant gratification but it's actually more a case of what you put in to it you both get out.

OP, he's not "understanding" because he damn well doesn't want to.

He see's it as being one of your "duties" to perform.

I feel for you and I want to kick him right in the nuts to put him out of action for a while metaphorically speaking of course

What other controlling behavours does he have?

I don't want to pressure you if you don't want to talk but have a feeling there are plenty more

He's being extremely insensitive and selfish. Stop feeling guilty that you don't want sex with a man that is pressurising you every day of the week. If he's offended or takes it personally, that's really his problem for not considering you as a person, just as a human version of a blow-up doll.

A question.. is he affectionate at other times, romantic, attentive.... or does he only show any interest in you when he wants sex?

We are very compatable in the bedroom have very similar wants and needs, enjoy the same things and when we do have sex it is always good, for both of us.
Maybe he feels confused. When I'm not feeling so low, I generally dont mind having sex more regularly but I just feel like shit and its so complicated it constantly runs through my head and because of that, sex just isnt something I'm thinking about or wanting at the momemt.
He doesnt sulk, really. He will just say its fine but in a way that I know he has taken it to heart iyswim?

Well, he does like a kiss and a cuddle but generally if we have a prolonged kiss rather than a peck he will get aroused.

He isnt very romantic, only on special occasions but to be completely honest i'm not either.

I don't think he sounds controlling. He clearly just finds you very attractive and has a high sex drive. Perhaps he could try harder to hide his disappointment but it sounds more like you are feeling guilty which you shouldn't. All you can do is reassure him that you still find him attractive, make sure he knows you aren't in the mood just now and tell him you feel as though he is upset when you don't. He may not be aware he is showing his disappointment.

What can he do to alleviate your low feelings? He's obviously taking it as a personal rejection, so the problem seems to lie in your not being in the mood rather than him being an abusive arse

Ergo, your mood picking up = more sex as a side effect.

Is he showing compassion/understanding with regards to your depression?

FateLoves - Thats what he tells me. That he cant help finding me attractive and that he cant help wanting to have sex with me which is fine. I tell him I do want to have sex with him and that its just that my head isnt in the right place.
He says he understands and its fine but, like I said, I know its not really fine. He doesnt know why I dont want to have sex with him all the time, like because I dont it must mean that I dont fancy him when I do.
He isnt a big 'talker' about still like this so its diffcult.

Are you taking care of your health- both of you? Eating healthily, resting well, exercising sleeping enough, I always find I get in a rut through the every day stresses of life and if I neglect to be kind to myself, I get run down and low, as soon I as start prioritising my physical health I become a lot more in touch with my sexual side.

You are fortunate that he desires you this much, but I did once have a BF who I felt he was SO sexual that if I wasn't there he'd want it with someone else so long as he got his pleasure, sorry I'm not explaining it properly, I mean I was just a warm body in the bed and that was enough to make him pester me for sex so it began to feel like was a kind of a scratching post instead of someone with whom he wanted to connect with on an all encompassing level because he loved me. sorry probably doesn't make much sense.

That's great that you both like the same things in bed, maybe you just need to focus on being kind to your self with the aim to get that connection back with him.

He really does try to be compassionate about my depression and anxiety. He admits that he doesnt quite get it but he does try.

I know my low mood is the real problem its just I cant really do much about it right now. I'm waiting for couselling.

I think blapbird has hit the nail on the head. You need to concentrate on being good to yourself, physically, emotionally, mentally.

He says he's fine with it - take it that he's fine with it.

It's almost as if you're using your lack of sex drive as another stick to beat yourself with.

Here's a thought. Just tell him not to initiate. When you're ready, you'll let him know. That way no-one's rejecting anyone.

Go walking with him, talk about your day, your hopes for the future, maybe a new job or something to inspire you, a change of some sort. After having some lungs full of fresh air and a good chat (I always find me and DP talk a lot more whilst going for a small blast of fresh air than if we are in the house)
Is something BIG on your mind that you're stuck in? Any kind of work place bullying or family problems, (repressed anger?) these can eat away at you unless you face up to them x

Thinking about it, this probably is a lot more about me than it is him.
Cogito - That may be the best way to deal with it for now. Its not like we never have it but it may save both of our feelings for a little while.

How can I get DH to understand when i'm not in the mood?

If he understands English, then he understands the words "No, I'm not in the mood" just fine. How he feels about you saying that is his own affair: he is fully capable of dealing with his own emotions like a grown-up, including talking to you about them.

You do need to - nor can you - manage another person's emotional reactions. So drop the guilt, and focus on your own emotional wellbeing first.

To be honest a lot of my problems stem from the fact we have just moved to a different country.
I already had a history of anxiety that I have had professional help with before but moving here has brought it all back and I have a real problem with depression now.
I feel like I am in mourning which I know is weird but I desperately miss my old life, friends, my house, the area we lived in, my DDs school etc
I wish I could just turn back time.
I really hate my life here and I think thats what the problem is. I try to act normal for DH and DCs but its such an effort somtimes. DH obviously knows how much I don't like it but he cant really help.
I am trying to get help here.

Upheavals, like moving, are one of the most destabilising things for us. Your feelings are completely understandable.

Well done for taking action to obtain help where you are.

To be honest a lot of my problems stem from the fact we have just moved to a different country.
I already had a history of anxiety that I have had professional help with before but moving here has brought it all back and I have a real problem with depression now.
I feel like I am in mourning which I know is weird but I desperately miss my old life, friends, my house, the area we lived in, my DDs school etc
I wish I could just turn back time.
I really hate my life here and I think thats what the problem is. I try to act normal for DH and DCs but its such an effort somtimes. DH obviously knows how much I don't like it but he cant really help.
I am trying to get help here.

Now you're getting somewhere It's clearly nothing to do with the sex, this move has been very disruptive for you, your whole world had changed beyond recognition, most people would be feeing exactly the same as you, it takes a very long time to feel fully settled some where, when dp and I moved we didn't have much sex at all but when we got settled in it improved.

It's little things isn't it?-Like knowing that if you had a crisis there's some one you could call or if you fancied a light hearted chat you know people around , its easy to think that we are these self sufficient islands but we aren't and men (bless them) aren't always the most empathetic people. We all need each other in small ways. Could you volunteer somewhere or join a local meditation group to help wit your anxiety to get your energy focussed outwards a bit more?

Hi when I first read this I thought this could be me talking about my DH. He also would like it at least once a day and if we dont for a couple of days I know he feels hurt and thinks that I dont want him anymore. It's kind of a catch 22 the more you are asked the more you dont want it for both. Does he only want sex? My DH obviously want sex but he likes touching me, if I've had a hard day at work and am too tired then if I have a bath and he gives me a massage then he feels ok as he has touched me and i feel relaxed - would that work?
also if it was nice and turned into something else then thats a bonus for him but if it didnt you have been upfront from the start.

blapbird, thats it. I feel alone a lot of the time. I have the DCs and DH obviously and most of the time that's enough but I miss the school run with my friends. I miss going round for a chat. I miss walking my dog in all the beautiful places we used to go. I even miss the DCs friends.
I do need to try and get out and eventually I'd like to go to work part time but my anxiety is pretty bad at the moment. I can't really leave the house on my own.

Don't panic, you're just experiencing a normal human response to something which has been very disruptive, you are almost going through a grieving process be patient with your self, and compassionate, make sure you shower every day, eat fresh food, little things which send a message to your self that you are worth taking care of, slowly slowly you will start to feel like your self again, you've just become a bit ungrounded that's all

Thank you. This thread has really helped me put things into perspective.

I remember reading about a study somewhere that categorised people into high or low sex drives and looked for common motivators & patterns within those groups.

Those categorised as 'low' sex drive needed to be in a good mood for sex, not stressed, tired, hungry, or otherwise uncomfortable. Sex for them was an activity that required a certain amount of energy.

On the other hand, for those categorised as 'high' sex drive, sex was a stimulant. It woke them up when they were tired, relieved them of stress, lessened pain and discomfort, and generally perked them up however they were feeling.

For someone who's in the second category, like your husband, it's impossible to imagine not wanting it due to tiredness or stress. It just doesn't work that way for him, the desire is always there and it hurts him to hear that yours isn't, and you don't feel the same way. He's not being selfish. He's simply hurting and feels that your feelings aren't the same as his.

It's like if he told you he wasn't in the mood to cuddle, or wasn't in the mood to say 'I love you' after you said it to him. You'd feel hurt and rejected.

I don't think there is any way he can really just 'not feel disappointed'. He's just got to deal with it, and you've just got to try not to feel guilty about it

The bottom line is, he can't help the way he feels about the rejection any more than you can help whether you're in the mood for it in the first place.