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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I get DH to understand when i'm not in the mood?

29 replies

MiseryBusiness · 26/04/2012 13:36

He gets upset if I dont want to have sex. Not in a tearful way or anything like that and he says it's fine but I can tell he takes it to heart.
I suffer from depression and anxiety and its particularly bad at the moment and I just can relax enough to get in the mood so to speak.
I've tried telling him that it's not him and it really isnt and that I'm just feeling so lost, frustrated and low at the moment that it's the last thing on my mind. He thinks because no matter what mood he is in he is always up for it, I should be too.
We do have sex regularly, dont get me wrong but DH would like it every night. If we go longer then one or two nights then DH will say things like ''are we having an early night tonight?'' and that kind of thing and if I'm already not feeling like it, this kind of talk puts me off even more.
I want him to understand that its not him and he shouldn't take it personally.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/04/2012 20:46

I have to say I think this thread is a really good example of how fantastic MN is.

MissFaversham · 26/04/2012 21:01

I have to say that I totally disagree with Rolo's analagy though.

You said that you already suffered from anxiety.

You have moved somewhere remote.

You are depressed and lonely (unless clinical this is a sign of suppressed anger)

You said that you do have regular sex

You said that he's upping the anti on the sex score.

I dont bloody like him op

MiseryBusiness · 27/04/2012 07:48

Well, I spoke to him last night. I tried as best I could to explain that for me, being in the mood for sex was linked to how I feel emotionally and that I was genuinely sorry if it hurt his feelings to hear I dont want it but that sometimes his reaction made me feel guilty.
He also explained to me that for him, sex isnt in any way linked to his emotional state except that, if he does have sex he does feel more relaxed etc. So a lot like Rolo's explanation for low and high sex drives. Although, I dont think I would have said I had a low sex drive usually but maybe I do.
I think after talking last night we can both understand each other properly now. He said he would hate for me to just give in out of guilt and it was actually him that suggested for a while he wont come onto me and if I am in the mood I will come on to him and then that would help the rejection/guilt hopefully.
I do actually feel better today. Like I have something less to worry about. Thank you MNers for helping me with this. I was in two minds about whether to start this thread but I'm glad I did.

OP posts:
crestico · 27/04/2012 08:00

just want to chip in:
twice a week is not a low sex drive

what you've said to him has probably enough to buy yourself a few weeks, but he'll be back to 'normal' and pestering you for sex again soon (my prediction is after the second time you get jiggy)

advice... i can't think of any. sorry.

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