Am I being precious, or is this a bit rude?

[OracleInaCoracle]

my mum and her dh look after DS for me two days a week, after school, while I am at work. they have him for just shy of 2 hours and I pay them for it. Not a lot, but 1/6th of my wages. they pick him up from school, bring him back to my house and watch him til I get home.

yesterday, I got home from work and my brother and his wife were here too. I dont actually mind them being here, its the fact that I wasnt consulted, this is my house and I wouldnt invite anyone else (related or not) to their house while they werent there. its like entering without knocking (which, incidentally, they also do) I was really quite pissed off about it, but I am in a lot of pain at the moment and am grouchy from that.

help me put this in perspective, or tell me if I am right to be a little narked.

I think OK to be a little narked because there is money changing hands.

I don't think it would bother at all if my brother visited my mum when she was babysitting.

Maybe if it was someone I'd never met but I'd never say anything about it.

YANBU and have every right to be narked.

Some people have an 'open house' others don't. They should respect that.

You're not being precious. It would have been polite to let you know they were coming over. I'd tell your Mum as much.

Had your brother and his wife been invited by your mother and DH or did they turn up to see you and were let in by your mother?

he didnt visit her, they brought them with them

I think it depends on the circumstances. if they simply popped in for a cuppa when passing- maybe they don't live near?- Id be okay with that- they are family, after all.

But if they came for almost 2 hours and see this as something they can do when they like, that is different.

I'd let it go as a 1-off, but I;d tell your mum how you feel- or even your brother- and say they need to check with you in future.

Did they give any explanation ie they turned up at their house just as your mother and DH were leaving to pick up DS, so they said "come along with us". I wouldn't be as annoyed about that as much as I would about them arranging it all in advance.

read your previous post- they all came over at the same time?

Hmm- your mum needs a chat from you on boundaries.

If it was my brother I wouldn't mind at all, but anybody else and I wouldn't be happy.

i think in general it's rude to invite people over when you are at someone else's house.
but saying htat if i foudn myself in your situation then it would be a total non-issue. for me that is.
i have no problem at all with my brother coming over here, he's my brother after all!
plus the kids like him

they were here the whole time. I wouldnt have minded if they'd popped in (although, they knew I was at work) its the fact that it was arranged and executed without consulted me. this is my home, I expect to be consulted about who comes into it IYKWIM.

my mum and her dh picked up DB and SIL to bring them over.

I am not really sure what the problem is, its your brother?! It sounds as if there may be other issues there though ie just entering etc.

Most of our family have keys to our house, I do get a bit narked about SIL as she doesn't say she's coming round and just lets herself in (when we're at home), that does irritate me slightly as I think she should text but when MIL used to look after DCs sometimes her friends would pop and see her or SIL and DN and I wouldn't have considered expecting her to ask permission (but thenshe never charged me for looking after the DCs every week).

I would actually be more concerned that I would have to pay my mum to look after the DCs for 2 hours a week and the entering without warning at random times. I must come from a very odd family?!!!

Yeah, that's a bit odd. I don't think I would have objected to the arrangement, but like you I would have expected to have been consulted.

If it was a random stranger it would've been rude, as it was your brother, you're being precious. IMHO

I'm not particularly close to my family either, as I said, I wouldnt have minded as much, but it was clearly arranged without my knowledge.

Why were they there? If they were there to play with DS, then I probably would think it was a nice thing to do. If they were there to have a gossip, and DS was being ignored then I´d be cross. Either way, they should have checked with you first.

I think it's difficult to say as families are all different. In my family, I would be thrilled if I got home and other family members were here because I love seeing them and they rarely bother to come and see us normally.

But your family could be totally different. The fact that you're paying your Mum is a sign in itself that your family is different to mine, my Mum would never expect payment but then, we rarely ask her to babysit because she still works fulltime herself (at 62).

my relationship with my family isnt good tbh, we arent close and there are lots of issues. so maybe I am letting that cloud my judgement.

if I hadnt rung up because I'd finished early, I would have walked in and they would all be there.

I had a key to the house from when I was about 13. I kept it when I went to university and after I got married. However, I would never have dreamt of just letting myself in when they were there. I always rang at the front door.

tb, exactly. this is my home, I feel that it shows a lack of respect for me and my boundaries.

and, irritatingly, I didnt say anything. I was stand-offish and cold, but saved my rant for DH.

my relationship with my family isnt good tbh, we arent close and there are lots of issues. so maybe I am letting that cloud my judgement.

I would turn that around: their lack of respect for your personal, physical space (your home), is yet another expression of the issues in your relationship with them.

For example, you say they enter without knocking. Entering without permission (by not knocking) or without permission (by failing to alert the homeowner) are part and parcel of the same behaviour on their part. Behaviour that signals lack of respect, to you.

Have you told them you dislike it when they don't knock?
Will you tell your parents not to invite people into your house?

They are crossing your boundaries, and they can keep on ignoring them until you spell it out to them.

I started locking the door when they are coming round and when they asked why I said "because I dont like people walking into my house uninvited" it caused an argument and I ended up feeling like an insubordinate child, again!