The Freedom Programme

[Ice9116]

The health visitor has recommended I call women's aid and get onto their freedom programme - she thinks it may help me while DH is on his course. DH has contacted a centre called 'New Directions' which have a 20 week course for him he wants to join as I told him in no uncertain terms that DD will NOT grow up in this sort of environment. That centre also want to offer me counselling and a buddy which he says I can do but he will choose a buddy on my behalf (he screens all my friends).
Can anyone say if the Freedom Programme is good, bad or indifferent? I will have to take DD with me as nobody but me looks after her (cannot trust anyone in RL not to leave her with DH) and not tell DH where I am so it really has to be worth the trouble to go.
DD is only 13 weeks and in no danger from him atm as he doesn't acknowledge her existance but that is VERY harmful if it continues.

I've heard good things about the freedom programme but haven't done it myself - there's more info on the website here

So very sorry that you find yourself in this situation though, Ice. I'm glad you're getting support from the HV. Don't know wtf to make of your husband choosing a buddy on your behalf - that doesn't bode well does it. Is he violent?

MNers who have been on the Freedom Programme have said very good things about it.

The book by the woman who created the programme is excellent (Pat Craven: Living with the Dominator)

The buddy is supposed to be someone who is further through the process than me who I can make friends with - they have had one who is further on than them and so forth as apparently the lonliness I feel is completely normal. However DH likes to screen all my friends and preapprove them so likes me meeting for coffee with his schoolfriends and family but not mine as he doesn't know what I may be talking about and I can never remember word-for-word.

DH is not usually violent but has been in the past - he more usually gets 2 inches from your face and shouts or blocks your exit or restrains you. Hes really gentle 90% of the time so even if I did confide in RL with anyone they'd call me a liar (my family do that anyway).

Someone from here offered to meet up with me but DH found out and wouldn't let me go (reported my debit card lost to the bank so it was blocked).

DH isn't still living with you, is he?

Is your DH going to be doing a course for men who are abusive? because if he is saying you can only have counselling and a buddy if he can screen them then he isn't going to get very far with it. When the New Directions people contact you, tell them what your DH has said. They will have heard it before and will know what to address first then.

The freedom programme is brilliant, I've done the training to facilitate the course and it is very enlightening.

I agree with mrspnut... he's not serious about changing his behaviour if he's already standing in the way of you getting some help. He'll go on the course, pay lipservice, nod enthusiastically and then remain exactly as disturbed, evil and abusive as he is now. Get him out of the home, let him take the course in his own time and earn the possibility to come back. Never mind what your family or anyone else thinks. They're not married to him.

However DH likes to screen all my friends and preapprove them so likes me meeting for coffee with his schoolfriends and family but not mine as he doesn't know what I may be talking about and I can never remember word-for-word.

I am so sad that you have been living like this.

It does matter what my family think as we are all living with them atm and so its not up to me whether he stays or goes as its my parent's house - we were supposed to be moving but house fell through so now awaiting another.

I need to get my head to a place I can view things clearly as I have a history of depression and am trying my damndest not to get PND as DD is everything to me and for her I have to be strong - he remembers things differently to me so I think I'm going mad half the time but I do remember every feed for L and the last time she had a dirty nappy and the songs she likes best and every detail about her so my memory cannot be that crap.

My hope would be that his course will give him the tools for enlightenment and whether or not he allows me access to their help for me will be irrevelant as I have access to separate CBT (he doesn't know about) and with the freedom programme can maybe see if his behaviour is the problem and is as bad as the HV made it out to be.

I read through the definitions of each type of abuse and he doesn't fit any of the boxes its sort of a combination of each aspect so I'm not sure it counts and so if I phone WA they'll tell me I'm silly or report me for wasting their time. I am terrified of someone taking DD away from me - the thought makes me cry - I need to be the best I can be for her.

WA will not think you are silly or report you for anything - they are there to support and advise you and will absolutely take your situation seriously and be sympathetic to you.

Again I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Your husband's behaviour is seriously abusive and I hope you find the support you need to get away from him ASAP. Can you confide in any of your family members about what has been happening?

I cannot confide in family - even if I did they wouldn't believe me - they witness him being OTT affectionate then calling me useless and putting me down but just ask me what I did wrong. They don't know about the other bits. I'm very private anyway so its not like I did blab and then he controlled in order to stop me and have not had close relationship with family since was 14 - now at a point where we talk but don't confide anything and are 'there' but only for good times. They haven't forgiven me for not getting good A-levels or pulling out of Uni and have always wished I was better like my younger sister. Its better since DD as they dote on her and DSis is not going to have babies for a LONG time - DD will be my only for at least 5 years (I got a coil put in to make sure).

I am whittering on again. Maybe calling WA is a bad idea and they'll tel SS to take my baby or laugh at me. HV was clear though that I should call and said they're anonamous and HV is not and could also tell SS to take my baby although she says she won't as I'm a good mother and she is well looked after.

I don't know.

WA will never think you are silly or wasting their time. If he fits bits of each type of abuse then he is probably abusing you in lots of different ways which makes things more serious.

Please call WA if only so they discuss your options with you and maybe go through their risk assessment with you (DASH risk assessment) to see whether you need further help.
You shouldn't be allowed a place on the Freedom programme without a DASH assessment being done, but it will help you and your daughter in the long term

WA won't call SS on you either, you are a good mother and by looking for help with your situation you are proving this.

WA are on your side, no-one elses. They are there for you, to listen and to offer advice but not to tell you what to do.

I know all this because I used to work for them, they really are an amazing group of charities.

What exactly is this New Directions programme? I've googled it and all it's coming up with is recruitment training, so that can't be it.

Women's Aid will never recommend that your children are removed. They will help and support you to stay with them if you decide to leave or get your husband removed from the house. If you decide not to do any of these things, they will leave you alone.

Would it be possible to do the freedom programme without a buddy? I think it would be very helpful and healing for you.

I have just completed the freedom program.... It has given me a tremendous amount of incite and also met some lovely women going through similar things.
From your OP I was able to quickly pick out the traits of "the dominator", which I was unable to do before the course. Yes, your HV is right, it is that bad.
I also had "PND"....hindsight tells me the EA was more to do with it.
I have stuck by my partner, but he has admitted full responsibility, arranged his own counselling, has complied with everything social services has asked....he certainly would never stop me accessing services that I needed. I'm suffering PTS from everything that's happened, and he accepts he is partly to blame and is supporting me.
Type into google "can he change" "respect"....there's actually good kind of check list...tis interesting.
If he's making steps to change, he should not still be seeking to control you, and certainly not preventing you from accessing services you require due to his behaviour!!
To answer your question....the freedom programme is brilliant and I highly recommend it!! Take care x

The Freedom Program is great. It's done on a rolling schedule, so there's no start or finish, you just keep going until you've done all 12 sessions. Not sure it's really appropriate if you're still with him really (I know I'll get slated for this). It is very wrong that he's screening your friends for you. That is wrong on all levels. I'm a great advocate of 'get the hell out of the relationship', but if he is really willing to change and work at it then I wish you all the best.

P.S. you don't need a buddy to do the FP. You can do it on your own, I did, as did most of the other women with me.

New directions is a local programme for men who are abusive - recommended by GP he went to for male PND he decided he had but GP said that he didn't as was too early for that and that it sounded like he was abusive to me.

New directions want to offer me a buddy and counselling.

WA provide the freedom programme if I qualify - is everyone certain they'll not take my baby? (I had a midwife who has now been dismissed who said SS will take her if I got PND which doctor and HV both say won't happen but you don't forget a threat of your worst nightmare).

Must bite bullet and call WA I think. Its best for DD.

Thank you to everyone talking to me - its kind of you to take the time.

All I can say is, social workers completed an initial assessment after I'd "apparently" been unable to reassure HV I wouldn't harm my son (ridiculous btw but nm)....they came unannounced, flat stunk of cannabis, curtains hadn't been opened, complete shit tip basically (I'd gone straight out with DS that morning)....went to child protection, I still have said DS.....this time I'd disclosed violence whilst holding my then 4 week old....been caught out lying on more than one occasion, generally been an emotional wreck....I still have both children and no child protection...
I have also had cocaine problem and current weed problem (well not a problem as such but do still smoke it now and again)
Please don't think I'm being blaze about it all, I'm ashamed of myself, I just wanted to reassure you that your baby will not be taken away under the circumstances you have described....it was a far more horrendous environment for my baby to live in.
My social worker (who is amazing) assured me that people have a warped perception of SS, they dont have that much power and that they have to have substantial evidence before even considering removing a child

The reason you think SS will take your baby is probably because that's what he's told you. The truth is nothing of the kind which is why the midwife was dismissed. If you'll pardon the observation, you seem very beaten down and fearful. Your confidence in your own judgement seems extremely low. Bullies like your husband deliberately target people who are not at their strongest because it makes controlling them easier. Planting fears like the SS thing would be typical.

Do call Women's Aid.

It's okay to do the freedom programme if you're still in an abusive relationship, I think? Nobody is going to make you do anything, you can do what you need to do, whenever. If it doesn't feel possible for you to accept the offer of a buddy right now, then do the other things for now and maybe think about that at a later time.

If he wants to pre screen your Buddy, then I think he's missing the point, and you are probably wasting your time.

Hi Ice,

I've been treated by my HV, Doctor and a counsellor for PND. No-one has ever even hinted that they will involve SS or take my baby. Your HV has already assured you that she would back up the fact that you are a good mother. Women's Aid are there to help you.

You're in the middle of it now, so you can't see the wood for the trees. Your DH is abusive:

• Wants to control who you are friends with: Abusive
• Wants to know word for word every conversation he can't control: Abusive
• Makes you think you are going mad and remembering things 'wrong' (even though deep down you know your memory is not faulty): Abusive.

All of the above are classic abusive behaviour.

Sounds like your family are also emotionally abusive:

• Blaming you and making you responsible when it's obvious that your DH is at fault: Abusive
• Punishing you for not doing well in exams years ago: Abusive
• Trying to make you measure up to the imaginary perfection of your sister: Abusive

Think about the way your DH and your family treat you and ask yourself if you would ever treat your DD this way. Of course you wouldn't. So look after yourself the way you would her, and be kind yo yourself.

WA may also be able to advise on housing away from your family.

Best of luck!

I'm a facilitator for the Freedom Programme and yes, you would really benefit from going, it will help you to see things much more clearly. It will help you to identify the abuse you are experiencing and understand the tactics he is using to control you - screening your friends being one of them. SS frequently refer women to the Freedom Programme so they would be pro you going. Don't let DH know you're going though. He will not want you attending the programme, will try to stop you from going either overtly or covertly and could even become violent if he knows you're going. Where I work all Freedom Programmes have free creche facilities to enable women with children to attend. I suspect that will be standard practice country wide. WA certainly won't think you're wasting their time, from the examples you've mentioned in your posts he appears to be extremely controlling. That's probably why he's rarely violent - he doesn't need to be. He's got the power and control without physical violence.

I would imagine if your DD is only 15 weeks then it will be fine for her to be with you anyway, especially if she's not settling in the creche. It's not like she can really understand anything she overhears anyway :)