Illicit Encounters. Discuss

[anillicitencounter]

I am a regular lurker on here, but have something that has been 'bothering' me for some time, so deep breath and here I go.

Background: age 40, 2 DCs, work full time in a board level job. Recently separated (3 months) from H as I discovered he had been contacting women via the website illicit encounters. I dont need support for the split - to be quite honest, although it was extremely hard at the time, it gave me the excuse I had wanted for ages for us to separate.

But hat it has made me think about was this whole website. A site actively encouraging infidelity. Men and women in marriages / partnerships looking elsewhere. Men pay to be on the site, women dont. There are allegedly over 600k members in the uk alone.

So, I decided to find out more purely to understand why and actually how active the site really is. You can look at profiles off line, so I looked at a few, and the excuses these pitiful men give for being on there are pathetic."We are like brother and sister", "we stay together for the kids", "she can't give me what I want", "not looking to change my situation but..."

I then did something really bad and decided to register myself just to say how much was real. I will say now that I had absolutely no intention whatsoever of having any sort of 'relationship' with any of these men, but was just curious. My profile was accurate to a certain extent - I didn't lie about the fact I am only quite short and a size 12 with lumpy bits, but also that I was 'looking for fun with no strings', a connection with someone. Similar wording to a lot of other female profiles.

OMG - the response! Within an hour of registering I had received 23 messages. Some with passwords to their pictures instantly. Some pictures included nakedness, some were pics of them with other women - presumably the wife! After one week now, I have had over 200 men look at my profile and over 65 men contact me.

What I am trying to talk about here is the fact that these are your DH / DPs. I was naive and never expected my H to go looking for sex elsewhere. But - right now there are over 700 people (more male than female) online. I am just gobsmacked at this. Or am I just easily shocked? I also just wanted to make people aware of this site, as I had never heard of it!!

(By the way - I would like to say I did not contact anyone, and have now taken my profile off.)

Sorry - this has turned a bit long!

You are easily shocked.... :) Infidelity is as old as the hills and internet sites just means like-minded people can hook up a bit more easily than in the past. I've been on enough business trips and conferences to know that plenty are 'up for it'... and it's not always the obvious contenders.

I'm almost tempted to think this is some kind of subtle advertising for the site, but I'm sure it isn't as you sound far too nice

I have never heard of it either and wish I had not, as it sounds like it's got some kind of hold on the 'market'

How horrible.

I am not quite sure why you are shocked. Morals don't seem to matter these days. I do agree with you that the site is filthy but everyone knows these things are online don't they?

Nooooo....I promise not Flightty. And CES - perhaps I am easily shocked. I am very aware of infidelity unfortunately being a part of every day life. But this is just so - blatant?

I will crawl back under my naive stone.....!

Have you not seen colleagues in your workplace/past workplaces getting friendlier and friendlier - as well as the online route, people shagging colleagues is happening in most offices up and down the country? It has been going on in all the offices I have ever worked in and I was in one of the "boring" professions!

People cheat if they want to... A website just make it easier and your post does sound a little like advertising...

Surely this is product placement...

Not in my office - all women apart from one very lovely very gay man!

But you are right Pink - morals seem to have gone for dust these days. And I honestly didnt know such sites exist!

Funny how a new poster pops up with 'gosh, do take a look at I.E. Every few months, though, isn't it?

Oh everyone - I understand your reticence about this, but I swear absolutely blind on my DCs lives this is genuine! Why on earth would I want to advertise such a site when clearly from the figures you see when you even look on the home page are clear (obviously assuming these are correct). What possible gain would I have 'advertising' this site? Its not just been the cause of the demise of my marriage - although I have been honest enough to say actually I was 'grateful' to have the excuse, which clearly makes me weak, but surely must be a part of many marriages and partnerships throughout MN world?

I was just merely trying to understand how many people may be affected by their DW/DH/DP being on this site.

I'm really sorry if you think I am making this up, but it was a genuine attempt to engage with fellow MNers, but clearly I have failed!

i've never heard of this site but my facebook may as well be it because i am constantly messaged my men who i find out have partners or wives. im not after a relationship, as soon as i find out they are with their partners i stop all contact but what is it with people??? why do they think i would go for someone elses scraps??

Well if it is an advert she ain't done a great job of advertising it. Surely the money is made from MEN who pay to use the site. I can't see many of the women on here going home to their blokes and saying " guess what there is a site you can visit where married women are asking for a shag"

Also posting on a site forum where most people are bloody sick of their fellas for one reason or another ain't going to get those same posters joining a site where married men want to annoy you even more (amongst other things!)

Balance of probability say to me it isn't an advert!

The fact you got so many replies is that you are a NEW member. Remember at school when the boys would all get excited when they found out a new girl was joining class....there you go! Some men will always be boys!

600k registered users is a high figure isn't it!

Assuming we have a population of say 60m, it's probably safe to assume that say 20m of these are in the age range of people who could be looking, that's about one in every 35 people are registered!

What I am trying to talk about here is the fact that these are your DH / DPs

Sorry, but nope, not mine. My DP is currently sat in his default position, watching Four Rooms on catch up

Plus out of a population of about roughly 30 million males (I'm guessing), 700 being online on this type of website, tonight, does not have me reaching for my 'Enraged of Cumbria' button.

There'll always be sleaze to be found on this type of site, surely?!

My exb was on them all, the site you mention, POF, MaritalAffair.com, Smooch, Benaughty etc etc etc. He was a fuckwit.

BUT, while I was checking out what he was doing and looking at his profile etc (he lied that he was even on these sites, even though his photo was on all of them) I noticed how many men were actually on there, and how the same people kept appearing on the same sites.

Why be in a relationship and then be actively looking for someone else? It makes me sick to be honest.

"Why be in a relationship and then be actively looking for someone else?"

Why did people with plenty of money go looting in last summer's riots? Why would anyone have more than one car when they can only drive one at a time? Why would a millionaire play the lottery? Some people are self-indulgent, impulsive, need thrills/excitement, are not worried about the effect their actions have on other people, and will always think that 'more is better'.

Some people have such a problem with infidelity. Is it a big deal?

Mine gets shy when I ask him what he thinks of the under wear I'm thinking of ordering. Not every man in the uk will be on it.
I think unfortunately though, we are moving into a generation, that is very sexualised to the point no one wants to commit to another person.

It's way to easy these days.
I have been shocked too after catching ex husband of 15 years on various dating sites.
I had never looked on anything myself, until I looked for his profiles to catch him.
I also had lots of messages, some off married men. I feel quite depressed at the thought of when I am ready to date again, bet there's hardly any genuine single men out there x

ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE

The truth is that the sort of commitment women are looking for from their partners is unrealistic. It's natural for a women to want total commitment because they need that security and feeling of being protected and looked after but it's natural for men to have respect and genuine feelings for more than one women. Commitment only suits a guy when he is thinking of regular meals and regular sex but it's not really what a guy wants. He wants to be free to love and adore all women in his life. If he has made a commitment it's a sacrifice so if he isn't getting regular meals, sex etc then there is no way he will feel the need to honour his sacrifice. Doesn't mean he doesn't still love and adore his partner though.

Thing is number 1234, is your wife aware? Because if she is then there is no issue, if she isn’t then you need to offer her a choice because regardless of whether sex isn’t on offer at home, she is entitled to make her own life choices, not have you making them for her behind her back .