Illicit Encounters. Discuss

[anillicitencounter]

I am a regular lurker on here, but have something that has been 'bothering' me for some time, so deep breath and here I go.

Background: age 40, 2 DCs, work full time in a board level job. Recently separated (3 months) from H as I discovered he had been contacting women via the website illicit encounters. I dont need support for the split - to be quite honest, although it was extremely hard at the time, it gave me the excuse I had wanted for ages for us to separate.

But hat it has made me think about was this whole website. A site actively encouraging infidelity. Men and women in marriages / partnerships looking elsewhere. Men pay to be on the site, women dont. There are allegedly over 600k members in the uk alone.

So, I decided to find out more purely to understand why and actually how active the site really is. You can look at profiles off line, so I looked at a few, and the excuses these pitiful men give for being on there are pathetic."We are like brother and sister", "we stay together for the kids", "she can't give me what I want", "not looking to change my situation but..."

I then did something really bad and decided to register myself just to say how much was real. I will say now that I had absolutely no intention whatsoever of having any sort of 'relationship' with any of these men, but was just curious. My profile was accurate to a certain extent - I didn't lie about the fact I am only quite short and a size 12 with lumpy bits, but also that I was 'looking for fun with no strings', a connection with someone. Similar wording to a lot of other female profiles.

OMG - the response! Within an hour of registering I had received 23 messages. Some with passwords to their pictures instantly. Some pictures included nakedness, some were pics of them with other women - presumably the wife! After one week now, I have had over 200 men look at my profile and over 65 men contact me.

What I am trying to talk about here is the fact that these are your DH / DPs. I was naive and never expected my H to go looking for sex elsewhere. But - right now there are over 700 people (more male than female) online. I am just gobsmacked at this. Or am I just easily shocked? I also just wanted to make people aware of this site, as I had never heard of it!!

(By the way - I would like to say I did not contact anyone, and have now taken my profile off.)

Sorry - this has turned a bit long!

@Number1234 you sound like my exh. It didn't end well for him either.

How do you think she would feel About it number1234? I am not going to slate you, I just want you to be upfront , because if she would tell you to ‘bugger off’ then surely she has a right to have choices, not have this behind her back . If she wouldn’t, then maybe it would be better discussed and in the open or maybe you feel she ‘wouldn’t want to know’?

I have been a victim of this behaviour, and the ramifications have been horrendous. It has had a massive impact on my wellbeing, and at times made me suicidal. There's absolutely no excuse and I have no sympathy with the men and women on these websites. It's really quite simple: do not cheat, or discuss problems with partner and try to resolve, or divorce. My soon to be ex never thought I would find out, but I did.

@Creamontop my exh even bragged to friends that I would never find out. So they told me that he had bragged.

I bet my husband is on there 🤔 I think I may have some fun feck it!

For all our technology, art, science, religion and accomplishments - humans are still very impulsive people, with their thinking heavily influenced by hormones and chemicals and situational circumstances. And a lot of our impulses are also driven by what some lines of science class as evolutionary cognitive modules - essentially, traits passed down from prehistoric man.

I'm a firm believer that the impulse for prehistoric man to breed and procreate with as many females as possible - in order to ensure continuation of the species - is still a factor in the psychology of modern man. And similarly, although some women do of course cheat as well it seems to be more prevalent amongst males, with women generally experiencing their own impulse to have a secure and safe family unit, protected from external dangers - just as their prehistoric ancestors did.

None of this excuses infidelity of course. As modern people we have the advantage of understanding impulses, resisting them and taking measures to counter them. We all have willpower. I have a desire to eat so that I don't die from hunger, but that doesn't mean I can stuff my face every 10 mins ............ self-control is always needed. Unfortunately communication in the modern era is so all-encompassing and efficient that distance is no longer an issue, and the modern male finds it easier than ever before to succumb to his desires by looking far and wide online for females who might be receptive to him.

Sadly, I don't think infidelity is something that's ever going to disappear. In fact, I think it will get worse before it gets better. Some day I suspect humans will become more logical thinkers as technology and science moves on, and perhaps we'll find a way then to manage base desires a bit better.

DoctorManhattan

You been reading Return of Kings again?