He's lying, isn't he?

[LovesPeace]

To give you a potted history, partner of 12 years, has been supportive and kind for most of it, but has a secretive side.
Have struggled a bit in the last few years - sick pets which needed lots of care, my father died last spring, both working long hours (no kids).
I've 'felt' that things have changed in last six months - he doesn't look me in the eye, answers me in teenager like grunts (he's late 30's and I'm 5yrs older). I've told him that I feel 'lonely' - but I also feel that he's been engineering arguments - no matter what I do I can't win, and get grumped at and told I need to 'see someone'.
Life should have been easier this past few months as our commitments have reduced, but it has been worse. :( I have felt he is hiding something from me - and looked at his computer where I find incriminating pictures.
I challenge him - he says it is nothing, it is over, it was way back in Jan when we were under a lot of stress, he wants to be with me, he does love me, but he does not seem that bothered. When I push him, he threatens to leave, I ask him not to - I want to sort things out and know what is going on!
We are now alternating between behaving like sweet lovers (while I secretly call him names in my head because I am so angry but not allowed to express it) and rowing, because I am apparently 'unreasonable'.
He was in the living room this morning, and I thought to myself 'if I go down, he will stop what he is doing and get up' and sure enough he had been on his mobile, jumped up and said he had to go to work.
I asked to see his text messages (first time ever) and he scowled 'no' then barged past me to go to work. He shouts that he is 'sick of this' and storms out.
Am I wrong to think his refusal to show me text messages means he is still having an affair with this work colleague?
Sorry...I don't trust my own judgement any more!

Yes, he sounds like he is lying. It is your call, but if i were in your position, i would ask him to move out for a bit so you can both have some space to decide what you really want.

Yes he is still having an affair but that's not your main problem.

Your main problem is that you have lived with this intolerable situation and haven't ended the relationship. Instead, he keeps threatening to leave you and you beg him not to and keep having sex with him, despite being treated with contempt.

That's the problem and you need some expert professional help to find out why you've allowed yourself to settle for so little in a relationship.

If he really wanted to help the relationship recover from his cheating then there should be full transparency - access to mobile, laptop, emails etc.

I am afraid he is still cheating.

If I'm honest, it's because I have always felt I am not good enough in life. I do everything to perfection standard, and people still criticise me. :(
I thought I had found the only person in the world who could love ME for ME.
:(

Well that explains your inertia LovesPeace and you'd benefit from some therapy about that.

But deal with your relationship first. He might as well be wearing a billboard round his neck saying 'I'm Having an Affair' and his contempt for you has worsened since you put up with it. Don't ever allow someone to treat you this badly - it will have done more damage to you psychologically than the affair itself.

Your best move is to tell him you know he is having an affair and should leave. You need to get your dignity back.

I agree, he's lying. I suspect she's in a relationship too, hence his remaining in the home - he has nowhere else to go.

Whose house is it and how entwined are your finances?

Sorry you are going through this .. I went through it all myself last year and got proof of the affair at New Year.

I would suggest you ask him to move out and get some of your self respect back

I spent all of last year with dread and uncertainty of what was going on .. I am much happier now that he is gone..

I wish I didn't wait for the proof .. as he made me feel as though I shouldn't trust my instincts (which were spot on!) and that I didn't try to keep him when he had definitely emotionally left anyway

Good luck! x

Charbon is completely right.

Is he lying?! Is the pope a Catholic?
Actually, he's not even really bothering to lie. He clearly can't even be arsed to do that. He'll just grunt at you, refuse to engage unless, presumably, he wants sex with you, and leave the room if you challenge him.

You thought you'd found someone who'd love you for you. I think the only person who can do that is YOU. And when you start doing that, you'll kick him out and wonder why you stuck him so long.

I remember the leaving a room if I entered it...

I really need to repeat what Charbon says: if you sit with, tolerate and allow contempt and disrespect [thinking you can manage it], it will wound you in ways I cannot convey.

The scar tissue stays, when his removal would have stopped the wounding.

Actually, I realise reading this thread, that I have been making excuses for him. How can I be so stupid?
Even my post downplays what he did, and the fact that he didn't even have the respect to tell me; I had to snoop to find out (not a habit of mine). He is always saying I am a 'jealous' person (ha ha) maybe I am just a 'perceptive' person who can feel things.
Maybe he feels that the fault is not his for being unfaithful; it is mine for catching him?

I feel really shocked that for the first time, I can see that he is emotionally abusive to me - and to the other woman involved who works for him, and has a history of sexual abuse and mental health problems (she has 'dated' most of his staff too).
I am sick of his (rant alert):
Whining about lack of sex of all forms, criticism that I am not enthusiastic enough (work out why, dear)
Laziness in the house - I work more hours than him, but it is my job to do everything, all the laundry, all the cleaning, and he won't even mow the bloody lawn until I drag the lawnmower out when he stomps out scowling shouting 'I'm just about to do that!'
Blaming me for bills - we earn about the same and split bills down the middle but I have to cajole him into writing cheques etc, and he's horrid to me 'do we have to pay them NOW?' but there is never a good time.
Constantly pointing out how 'nice' he is - and therefore when we argue it's always my fault, as I start it.

On the plus side, I earn a (good) income, and have the support of my mother. I have always kept my finances separate (clever me on that front) The house we rent between us is too expensive for me to afford alone, and I live 400 miles away from my friends/family so would need to rent another house more cheaply (not easy round here).
I want out. I don't love him any more. I love the idea of 'him' as a loving partner, but he isn't. I just want to sit down, and have the conversation about how to do it practically.
So far he either blanks me, says that he loves me, isn't seeing anyone and wants to be with me, or flounces off to his mothers.
How to get him to sort things out so I can leave? Any ideas?

You are starting to sound angry which is good.

Just tell him you have made the decision that he is not good enough for you and tell him to pack his bags.

If it helps, see a solicitor to find out about your legal rights.

Oh my goodness LovesPeace.

Just look at your last post ^

He holds you in utter disregard. In contempt.

You are solvent. You have no children together. You don't love him. You have extremely sensibly kept your finances separate. You are fab and he is a cocklodger.

Go and have yourself a great life and leave this arsewipe behind.

Sometimes the simple act of writing it all down makes sense of a situation. It's brilliant to see your later insights. You actually sound like a different woman .

If you've got no children and the house you're in is rented, just find another rented property as a stopgap and leave him yourself. Yes the rent will need to be cheaper than now and the place you get probably won't be as nice initially, but it's unlikely to be your forever home. It will be yours though and you cannot imagine the peace it will give you having that little sanctuary that you can make your own. Your workload and stress will reduce dramatically without this twunt in your life. You'll wonder why on earth you put up with him for so long, but you'll never regret leaving him.

Actually, Charbon, I am starting to feel better. I only found out less than two weeks ago - and it did come as a shock that he could be such a fool.
I am quite proud of myself in some respects though.
So far I have refused to send him pictures of myself in compromising positions (that was one of the 'faults' he picked with me when I challenged him about the affair), refused to receive cock pictures from him (I said 'once you've seen one, you've seen 'em all' :D).
I also declined his invitation that he would like to see me sleeping with another man (a WTF moment there) as I pointed out that I was in a committed relationship and had never lied or been unfaithful.
I also asked him calmly, if he would like to move out, and on with life without me. The fucker said no, he still loved me blah blah blah. I now realise that meant 'But who will buy the cat food, wash my laundry, pay my bills'.
And he always says 'I am holding you back, making you feel bad, I'm not clever enough for you'. I have disagreed, and said I love him, want to be with him, and intelligence doesn't matter. Not any more. :D
Worm turning alert. :D

Go Lovespeace we are all behind you 100%

:) :):):):):):):):)

So he's obviously a porn user then? No surprises there. Well done for telling him where to go when he asked you to pornify yourself. Pity the OW didn't do that but she sounds like she's got issues of her own that a load of men are exploiting.

He's got some cheek trying to blame you for his infidelity but you're absolutely right - when you asked him that question, his reply was about his own comfort. He'll have to wash and clean for himself now like every other adult, unless he can persuade OW to do all that for him as well.

Not your problem any more. You were obviously the stronger half of the partnership with better future prospects. It sounds like he's been a millstone round your neck for too long.

You'll fly now.

Wow, your support makes me want to cry.
And how did you all know he's a porn user? I don't think I mentioned that...but he does.
Have phoned my boss - she is lovely, and offered me support, an ear, a meal and even a room to stay in. :)
Am also phoning estate agents to find houses.
I feel a weird mixture of complete fear about whether I can make it alone, and excitement that I can do all the things I want to do without feeling responsible for keeping him happy.
Thinking about either asking him to stay at his mum's, or in separate rooms here, not sure what to do until I find another place?

You seem to have had a eureka moment this morning good for you

Oh you do sound strong and I am so glad you've phoned your boss...great call!

You are going to give him the shock of his life!

Of course you'll 'make it alone' - you've been carrying two people for a long time. with only yourself to concentrate on, you'll realise jsut how much he's been dragging you down. Good luck :)

:)
He has just texted me 'You ok?'
I cannot reply for fear of ranting. I may never stop. The iPhone isn't large enough for me to tell him exactly how I feel within a text message.

Easy answer to that question LovesPeace ... because you are fine, you've woken up and smelt the coffee and you're doing the right thing for you. "I'm fine" sounds just perfect ... and long may you continue to be fine - and more so - in your new life without him.

You didn't tell us he was a porn user. I just always assume it when I see a thread about male infidelity because it's nearly always the case.

Ask him to stay at his mum's rather than living in separate rooms while you're both waiting to find somewhere. He's very manipulative and will try to wheedle his way back into your good books once he sees his life ticket disappearing. If he won't go, try to find somewhere temporary for yourself.

What you're describing is adrenaline and it is exciting to think you've got your whole life in front of you now while you're still young. The opportunities are endless, especially if you give some thought to a little therapy about why you ever thought this was the only life you were entitled to.