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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In a bad place, need some help what to say?

50 replies

Inabadplace · 23/04/2012 16:57

Erm, well I've namechanged I'm in a difficult place, I think its time to seperate from my DP of nearly 4 years.
there always issues bubbling away, but as wierd as it sounds ever since I got pregnant his attitude has changed for the worst (2nd pregnancy) I'm suffering severely frm MS atm 3-5 times a day , sometimes I can't walk plus I have a very hyper 2 year old to look after ..and yes I've neglected alot of housework Blush.
He'll walk into the room silent but quite obviously in a bad mood, ignore me lying barely able to move and just say 'pots need doing' make himself a cuppa refuse to make me one because I've been 'lazy'.
I had alot of bleeding in early pregnancy and shooting pains , he once in an argument said he thought I was exaggerating,I've never fully forgiven that I dont think anybody could.
There are issues with sleep, he works for himslef so can get up whenever and does. I got no help during the night. Since the bleeding I have asked he pick ds1 up during night calls to limit the amount I am carrying him, he agreed but everytime I ask him now he ignores me. so I have DS1 all day , all night, all hours. I sometimes ask if he can get up with him after a rough night, he says no I have to work so I don't question and get up. However its not unusual he will have a lie and wake up 2 hours after me :'( and the cycle continues.
I feel he just really has comtempt for me and hes very clean which is not always bad but being so ill , I can't meet his demands and he can be very unpleasant when I don't and DS1 is a usually messy kids and just screams at him :'(.
I need to tell him tonight or soon in a calm collected way I dont want a row, how do I start a conversation like that??.

OP posts:
TheHappyHissy · 23/04/2012 17:04

He's abusive.

it's that clear.

Could a ROW turn VIOLENT? If so, you need to have a back up plan.

You need to get out of this as soon as possible.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/04/2012 17:29

He is a selfish prick.

He is treating you appallingly. Indeed abusively, as Hissy stated, if you are ready to hear that.

He does have contempt for you.

He ignores you and even punishes you when you are pregnant an in pain. What makes you think he will take your feelings on board if you speak to him in a calm collected way? He wouldn't take on board a word you say however you phrase it. It has nothing to do with your presentation of the issue, sweetheart. It has everything to do with the fact that he is a selfish prick, and that he prefers to keep on being a selfish prick rather than treat you with human kindness.

Call WA on 0808 2000 247 if you want to talk through your feelings with a RL person who will understand exactly what you're going through.

CailinDana · 23/04/2012 17:35

Don't talk to him about it, just leave. Call WA for advice as HotDamn mentioned, make a plan and then put it into action when your partner isn't around. He is treating you and your son like shit. It's time to go.

Do you have family nearby who can help?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2012 17:39

Ask a friend to come around and tell him when they are there for support. Good luck

AnyFucker · 23/04/2012 17:43

Time to call it a day, love

Don't subject your children to your abusive and damaging relationship with this man. It's not your fault, it's his. But if you stay, he won't change.

Original poster
Inabadplace · 23/04/2012 17:48

thanks for the replies,

no he's not violent I would say cruel at times emotionally.

I'm just worn down , its got to the point where I'm too down to be angry I think thats when its time to change the situation.

I have a parent down the road, I'd feel so bad burdening her I'm such a burden to her.

She just sorted my dsis her own room out after I've moved out and now I wanna muscle back in.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/04/2012 17:51

You need support from your loved ones for a very good reason, love. There is no need to feel like a burden or like you are "muscling in".

Any good, supportive people will want to help you out of a situation like the one you are in.

Original poster
Inabadplace · 23/04/2012 17:58

thanks FWIW my mum has been ringing like everyday asking hiow my sickness is she does help alot I think that makes it worse lol. its not like she 'owes me' .

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2012 18:06

You're a mother. Exactly what depth of hot coals would you walk over to help DS1 out if he was ill or in trouble? Do you ever see looking after him as a burden? And do you think that basic feeling changes just because a few years go under the bridge? If your mother wants to help it's simply because she loves you. That's what real love looks like... not what the way your DP behaves.

Original poster
Inabadplace · 23/04/2012 18:09

If I found out my son felt like death warmed up or was ill and his dp called him 'lazy' I'd have a huge temptation to relieve them off their face. Grin

I'd wanna get them out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inabadplace · 23/04/2012 18:10

*of their face.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inabadplace · 23/04/2012 18:13

And most of all If I thought for a second my ds was dismissing something like pregnancy pains I would come down like a ton of bricks.

eurgh its all so bad my ds had been uprooted alot already.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2012 18:17

Your DS is 2? Luckily, most of us don't remember anything from that time of our lives. If he's going to be uprooted, now is the best time to do it.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2012 18:21

Please just go to your Mum's.

He is a complete bastard and doesn't deserve you :(

WhippingGirl · 23/04/2012 18:22

hi op - are you me? i could have written your op a few weeks back. i left the relationship and am a million times better off :-) icant write too much on here but pm me if you like. also have a look at the EA threads and the red flag thread in relationships - might make you feel better/less alone

tallwivglasses · 23/04/2012 18:27

If she's anything like me, your mum is probably worried sick about you. I'm sure she'll want to do anything she can to help. Don't feel like you're a burden. Us mums/grannies like to feel needed you know

tallwivglasses · 23/04/2012 18:28

Oh, and round of applause to WhippingGirl Smile

Original poster
Inabadplace · 23/04/2012 18:30

Must have taken some courage to leave WG.

OP posts:
WhippingGirl · 23/04/2012 18:32

i've name changed ;-) it was v easy in the end to be fair. op my mum was over the moon and now cant do enough to help me with my new life :-)

Original poster
Inabadplace · 24/04/2012 08:21

Didn't say it last night did get a good time arrgggh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inabadplace · 24/04/2012 08:21

I feel so evil :'(

OP posts:
newby2 · 24/04/2012 08:38

Hi, it' s horrible to read the situation you're in. You're pregnant and ill so all your energy will be taken up with just getting through the day. It's difficult to see clearly when you're so tired.

You saw clearly when you wrote for support on here and the ladies are 100% right. Nothing good is going to come of this situation or relationship. Infact it gives me a really bad feeling reading your posts.

My advice is save your energy for getting all the support you can. When your little one is asleep, get on the phone to help including your Mum. You need to start being honest with your family about the way you're living and make plans to leave over the next couple of months. You'll need physical support with your new baby.

Was the baby planned? If it was then your husband shouldn't be so shocked at your news. He chose to have unprotected sex too.

Good luck and start planning your way out.xx

Original poster
Inabadplace · 24/04/2012 09:18

Hi newby I wanted to have 'the conversation' when my LO fell asleep I couldnt do it and then I fell asleep.
he had something important on today so I also didnt want to do it this morning. but it does need to be done.

Yes it was planned , hes not shocked at the pg and I was ill with ds1 unplanned but his, so its not like I'm not prone to severe MS.

Urgh I only celebrated my engagement a little while back what a mess :/

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2012 10:49

Why are you evil? Why are you waiting for a good time, taking his diary into account and considering his feelings when he clearly has no regard whatsoever for you and your problems? Why are you worried about a 'mess' which is entirely of his creation?

Prevarication gets you nowhere. Say what you have to say and get started on the rest of your life... without him.

OneHandFlapping · 24/04/2012 10:55

Inabadplace, you've got to go for it. Otherwise you will still be there in a year, five years, ten years. How much of your life do you want to waste on this shit of a man?

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