DP being untruthful about online contact with ex-gf

[DaisyDebauchery]

I've namechanged for this, and changed all names of people involved.

Last week, DP and I were out for dinner with his sister and her partner. We were all just chatting away and SIL said, "blast from the past; guess who messaged me on Facebook the other week - Jen Johnson!" I already know that Jen was DP's first proper girlfriend from almost 20 years ago, and that she was very close to SIL as well as all their family. DP and SIL chatted about Jen and her brothers for a bit, then topic moved on.

A few days afterwards, DP said to me entirely unprompted, "you know how we were talking about Jen at dinner - I've already decided that if she contacts me on Facebook or suggests to [SIL] that we meet up, I'm not going to respond to her because my life is with you now, and I noticed that you went very quiet when we were talking about her." I replied that I only went quiet because I couldn't really join in with a conversation about somebody I'd never met, that it didn't upset me in the slightest that she'd been a topic of conversation, that I don't feel 'threatened' by the idea of him having ex-girlfriends, and that if he wanted to get in touch with her for old time's sake then not to let me stop him as it wouldn't bother me. All true. He said that even so, he didn't feel the need to contact her.

Yesterday, I was using his Facebook account (I don't have my own account but use his occasionally to keep in touch with our mutual friends, which he knows about) and noticed that he made a friend request to and exchanged messages with Jen a couple of days after the dinner with SIL but before the day where he said to me that he wouldn't want to have contact with her. I also noticed that one of Jen's very recent status updates is "Oh, that weird weird feeling when THE lost love of your life pops up in your life and it's like you're both young again, all mistakes unmade and you suddenly feel like you have a chance to say the stuff that should have been said twenty years ago. Seize the day, people."

She's married, according to her profile and what SIL had already said.

For context, this is the second time that DP has said something to me, unprompted, about one of his ex-girlfriends, which turned out to be totally untrue: about a year ago he said to me out of the blue, of his most recent ex-girlfriend: "You know, I never had any real feelings for Sophie and I never told her that I loved her or anything." I hadn't asked anything about her or given any indication of feeling insecure or comparing our relationship to his previous ones. I later discovered through friends of his that he very much had told Sophie he loved her and that for somebody with no real feelings he'd certainly done a very good job of showing otherwise by discussing with one of his friends about asking her to marry him at one stage. Have never mentioned that I know this to him.

I don't know what to think. I generally believe Facebook to be the work of the devil with all the hearsay and gossip and seven degrees-ness of it, and don't want to use things I've read on it as the basis for confronting him. But if I don't, I'm always going to wonder why he'd tell me one thing whilst having already done the opposite, aren't I? What's he playing at? :(

This reminds me of when my kids were small

When you walk into a room, and before you see the smashed vase, you hear "I haven't done anything, mummy!"

He's playing silly games isn't he ? Why would he do that ?

I would be suspicious too - why protest innocence when you have not even been accused of anything?

Ask him.

Sounds to me like he feels guilty and is trying to rewrite history, like if he says X happened, X will have happened instead of Y.

He's a very bad liar because you now know that when ever he volunteers information about what he's done in relation to a sensitive issue, he has always done the polar opposite.

This latest thing is bad news, given the ex's very immature reaction. But she would only have responded like that if he'd given her cause to. I imagine her husband would take a dim view of her 'Carpe Diem' philosophy and that both her and your husband would hate it if their partners did this to them

The only thing you can do is tackle his lies head on and ask him to deal with this personality defect, because it will cause you all sorts of problems if he doesn't, particularly as the lies you dislose are always in relation to other women and his motives towards them. I think I'd be inclined to look at the messages he sent Jen and screen save them somewhere safe beforehand though.

Yy to AF.

'I definitely didn't hit anyone over the head mummy.'

'I definitely never would email THE love of my life and pour out our fantasist ideas to each other. Oh no, not me.'

She sounds deluded too.

precisely, schobe

strange behaviour isn't it

trying to deflect your attention from something they say they won't be doing....but go ahead and do it anyway

dodgy

Weird status update. Carpe diem? How when they're both married!?!?

I'd erm be talking to your dh and let him him know he's been rumbled and that you know he's a liar.

The ex sounds like a chump.

You must ask him about the FB stuff otherwise it'll just gnaw away at you. The Ex sounds super flirty too, beware.

One way to deflate the illusions is to say brightly "oh, I noticed you'd made contact with the ex gf you were talking about. I guess she's married? Why don't we all meet up, it might be fun?"
So whatever the rl they have is in the present - married couples and not some half-cooked online fantasy between the two of them wishing they could be 18 again.

I'm planning to ask him about it, in a casual "what's all this?" was later on tonight. Just wanted to get the whole situation in some sort of order, iyswim. I'm just totally bemused by his behaviour - as AnyFucker and Schobe have pointed out, had he kept schtum and never mentioned Jen again, she'd never have crossed my mind again. Why reassure me about something I hadn't asked to be reassured about? It feels like he was going to some lengths to put me off any scent I might pick up.

DP has a terrible memory and has a reputation for not being able to lie to save his life - he'd forget the details and get muddled up in what he was supposed to be pretending had happened. He's generally very straightforward, open and honest - there are plenty of examples when he's volunteered information about things (not ex-girlfriend related) I'd never have found out if he hadn't. I have no reason to suspect him of cheating mostly because there isn't really the opportunity. We live fairly in each other's pockets because we commute to and from work together, have friends in common, go to the same gym - all the places where he could possible pretend he was if he was being unfaithful, I'm there, too. He's very lax about privacy, leaves his FB account unprotected and has no issue with me using it; likewise laptops and phones. I suppose from now on I'll have to start making a note of changes in this behaviour, or him developing a passion for some hobby I'm not interested in :( Shit.

The messages they exchanged were completely benign 'Hello, great to hear from you' ones - but he gave her his email address in one of them. I have no idea whether further communication continued by email, though I'm suspecting it has.

Thanks for answering, it's helped with my big mind-muddle.

Good luck with your chat.

Just a couple of points, although these do not necessarily apply to your DP's case:

Cheating does not have to be physical - some affairs are conducted online.

Many affairs take place during working hours - my H used to take half days off.

If he gave her his E mail address then yes it is likely to have switched to that and possibly texting/messengering too.

I wouldn't be casual. He has lied to you and you seem to be underplaying that, especially as it's not the first time. What you're saying is that he doesn't lie about inconsequential matters but when he does lie, it's about his feelings towards other women. That's a serious red flag that doesn't merit casual treatment.

Good luck, let us know how it goes

I agree with choc. Don't put too much store by him not having enough "time" to get up to dodginess.

I could quite easily do the dirty on my DH, although it appears all my time is accounted for, and so could all the other women's partners on here who did just that

The plus point in all of this is that you share a facebook account so he's not likely to be private messaging her, that's the plus point. I would be very wary of this as her fb status maybe implies that she still has feelings for him, very bizarre especially as she too is married, like a previous poster suggested maybe arrange a meet up with the four of you then she can meet you and it will become less of a fantasy world where they're both 18 again.

I've had one of the worst times of my life lately and it's all down to facebook, things went downhill when mobile phone numbers were displayed on the info page of my oh, he got in touch with old 'friends' from school and then this in turn led to them texting, the texting became more suggestive and then this led to a couple of 'meetings' with two other women, they became intimate, if you're in the frame of mind at the time and clearly my oh was, it's a dangerous path to travel down, online fantasy is becoming more widespread. I would urge you to go with your instincts, I wish I had listened to mine a bit more at the time and then maybe my oh wouldn't have gone as far as he did, we're 'trying' to work through it at the moment.

Good luck.

Confront him- I would love to be there when he tries to explain himself and worm his way out of the web of bullshit he spun. I would also make it clear that if he lies to you in this way again(because he sounds like he has form for this type of behavoir) his bags will be packed and off he fucks.

I wouldn't have a casual "what's all this..." type of conversation.

I'd have a serious "we need to sit down and talk... Why did you tell me a barefaced lie, why did you say x,y,z, knowing full well you'd already contacted Jen. I'm now wondering what else you have lied to me about" type of conversation.

He sounds odd.

And yes, I have no doubt at all that they are now communicating via e-mail.

Sounds like he can't resist having his ego massaged every now and again. In my experience this type of guy is also open to temptation. How long have you been together?

Thanks to everyone who's responded. It's helped me feel angrier about the whole thing. Less of the casual when I confront him tonight and more of the demanding to know why he told such a blatent lie to my face.

We've been together almost four years.

I have always made it brutally, brutally clear that I will walk if I ever find out he's been unfaithful. I can relocate my job and I still have my old flat where I lived before we moved in together. I will do as I've said and he knows I will. I'm fiercely independent, I promise. But at the moment, it feels like all I have is a friend request on Facebook with some entirely dull messages, and her status update which I can't be 100% certain is about him (I'm making a very educated guess.) He lied, but I have no concrete evidence that he lied about anything 'serious', iyswim. I do love him, we own a house together, I'm very close to SIL and MIL and I don't feel as though I can chuck all this away for something, even if I might suspect further contact by email. I almost wish I had a bit more to go on.

He definitely has a bit of a vanity project going on when it comes to his ex-girlfriends, even when it comes to those he has absolutely no reason to want to be friendly with: he's still friends with the one who lied about being pregnant to stop him from leaving her; still friends with the one who emptied their joint bank account when he told her he wanted to end their relationship. It's as though having a collection of ex-girlfriends about the place boosts his sense of desirability. He's 41 and I think still likes to pretend to himself that he's a hawt young thing who women would fall over themselves to go out with. I would say the same applies to Jen, if it weren't for the effort he's gone to to conceal his contact with her - he's never lied to me about being in touch with the others.

To clarify the above Ex-GF 'vanity project': I don't think he's actually acting consciously in keeping in touch with them for the ego-stroking. He'd swear to high heaven that he's friends with them because he enjoys their company and I think probably believes that himself. The interpretation is just my bit of armchair psychology as I can't understand why anybody would otherwise want to stay friendly with exs who'd hurt them.

None of us knows his motives, but what's non-negotiable is that he lies about the feelings he has for other women. That's the first red flag. The second is that he seems desperate to convince you that he felt nothing strongly for any woman before you. At 41 (or 37 when you met him) that's both implausible and unnecessary.

You can see where this might lead, can't you? He'll lie to you about other women, tell them that 'he's never felt this way before/since' and deny having any feelings for you too. Beware the romantic fool Daisy.

To be fair to him, he's never done the romantic gesture thing. I can't quite remember the precise scenario where he declared that he'd never loved Sophie or told her he did, but it wasn't a bid to convince me that he'd never felt the way about anybody else that he felt about me. Him telling me was, like this time, entirely unnecessary as I didn't need to be reassured of how he felt about me.

But I agree with you that it's the lies which are the key problem.

He seems to lie about nothing, for no reason, for no end result, just for the sake of it

Most strange