When the perfect married family guy comes on to you.

[Onnoreally]

Nc for this. I'm not a troll I won't reply for a few hours as I've got a meeting at school but would be interested in your help.

What would you do. A married, well loved family inlaw has come onto me, been cheating on his wife for years. Do I tell my husband? My usual answer would be yes, no secrets! But if I tell him, I'm scared of his reaction to be honest. If he will blame me, if he kicks off and goes to the family, will it all be my fault.

I'm not sure if we should tell his wife. As who knows if she already knows or not? It will just blow the family apart. I suppose this all links back to former sexual abuse as a child, by a family member. Which no one knows about I'm paralysed with fear of rocking the family boat, or getting the blame. Of upsetting the family.

I feel my dh should know, I just don't think I can face telling him.

Well that was odd. I've told him. I opened by saying do you know x has cheated on his wife for years. Then came a hint of WTAF. What are you doing talking about stuff like that with my xxxxxxx. What am I doing, not him.

Then I tell him about what he said to me and all I got was a great. Nothing all is normal. No anger, at anyone not even him. No upset, no reaction. It's just normal. I'm reeling so erm, yeah what the fuck?

That sounds like either he knows already... or he can't compute?

He does not know. His initial reaction said that to me that. He said which xxxxxxx. How do you know? How did that type of convo start....etc.

So yeah, not sure.

What exactly did he say when you told him what his relation had said? He must have said something!

your DH will likely talk to you again about this. i think he's deciding how he feels right now tbh. but his feelings are not the main thing here OP...

you need counselling. i'm also a CSA survivor and i have felt like you did when men came onto me inappropriately. i know EXACTLY how you feel, what you describe is word for word how i felt at the time.

you are reverting to that little girl who was made to feel guilty, dirty and culpable for something that is not your fault. you must must must sort these feelings out, they can cause such trouble in your life. as you've seen, they can prevent you from setting proper boundaries, standing up for yourself, etc. and they can even make you behave like a guilty OW when you have done nothing wrong!

if your DH doesn't understand the effects of sexual abuse, and most people don't, these reactions could cause massive problems in your marriage. which will make you feel even more shit and will just compound the feelings you're carrying around from the abuse.

please take this experience as a sign that you need to get yourself into counselling. please. do it for yourself.

i hope your DH keeps his cool and is understanding towards you. sadly as i say sometimes spouses don't understand, so also realise that you may need to turn to counselling in order to cope with his reaction. it's not nice, and i hope it doesn't come to that.

He said great. That's it!!nothing else, nothing. He just carried on pottering as normal. He is sat there now telling me his new iPad is coming. Just what?

Oiko. I've gathered that and I will sort it. My boundaries are screwed. I felt 12 again. Scared, like I could not be firm. It's what I've always been like when men I don't expect to make advances, even before dh. Just frozen, scared, a bit like its my fault. So I need to sort this.

He's in the denial and shock stage, so don't take this too much to heart. I'm sure he will ask more questions later.

I'm curious about your earlier concerns that your husband would blame you. Like Oikopolis I wondered whether that was a legacy from your earlier abuse and it seemed likely. But it is equally possible that your husband tends to blame you for other people's behaviour and because you're used to that, you subconsciously chose those traits in a partner.

In this situation, your partner needs to support you in standing up to his relative, but he should not take that responsibility away from you. You need to learn a vital survival tactic against predatory men and gain the confidence to tell them to go away and stop bothering you. You are the one who has been insulted by this, not your husband.

i know exactly what you mean. have had the exact same thing happen to me so many times and it's just dreadfully upsetting.
you poor thing. i'm sorry for what happened to you as a child & i really hope DH's reaction doesn't make you feel worse. x

He's getting snappy at me. Why has he not said anything. I'm going to bed soon I think, I'm not sure what to make of it.

He's shooting the messenger. You need to point this out. Tell him how hard it's been for you. Could you show him this thread, do you think?

He's now giggling about our new car. I think charbon you have this nailed. Its not sunk in yet I don't think for him what I've said :( thanks all.

I might do tomorrow longtail :)

Why did you call him in your title "PERFECT FAMILY MAN" when you know he is a cheater???

Irony. That's how he's seen. Well I was right looks like I'm being punished. He's engineered a huff, took his phone and is sleeping downstairs. I can't take this.

What he about just asking him what the fuck he's playing at?!

What a tool.

I don't understand his reaction at all Onno I'm really sorry he isn't behaving in a more supportive fashion.

Onno, your partner sounds like an arsehole

giggling/alternately spitting the dummy out

wtf is wrong with him ?

Don't put up with this crap OP. He's putting it on you now and if you just take it, then it suddenly becomes your fault. If I were in your position, I'd leave him a note saying that you expect an adult and mature discussion about something you confided in him, expecting HIS support and that you will not tolerate any hint of him blaming YOU instead of the PERPETRATOR.
Tell him you're moving out until he discusses this properly with you and recognises WHO is at fault.

What you do now is crucial. This is exactly how people get screwed over when they're in the right. Obviously your instincts not to tell him were correct and now, having told him, you need to regain control.

Good luck...

You were hesitant about telling him in case he blamed you and he does actually appear to be taking it out on you.

Are you sure that he hasn't given you reason to expect him to behave like this in the past? You were blaming your hesitancy on your past but i suspect its actually because deep down you knew how he was likely to take the news.

I do not know really poopoo. Maybe. He apologised last night, was pleasant enough. No mention of anything else though at all.

So feeling pretty shit today actually. Not sure what to make of it al.. Been having just quiet time to myself.

Onnoreally

Remember this is what you posted:

But if I tell him, I'm scared of his reaction to be honest. If he will blame me, if he kicks off and goes to the family, will it all be my fault.

I think he is processing it in his own way. Maybe he knew/suspected? Maybe (like a lot of blokes) he's thinking ooer, bit tricky, best keep out of it.

Either way, he hasn't kicked off, which you were worried about. Don't forget this is valuable time for you too to think about it, and reassure yourself that you've been landed in this through absolutely no fault of your own. It would be completely wrong for your DH to imply that you somehow brought this situation about.

The fact that you didn't get the reaction you were expecting is not necessarily a bad thing. He may just be embarrassed and confused, but it does sound pretty inadequate and disrespectful of your feelings.

Has he spoken to you about it properly yet?