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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When the perfect married family guy comes on to you.

74 replies

Onnoreally · 23/04/2012 08:43

Nc for this. I'm not a troll I won't reply for a few hours as I've got a meeting at school but would be interested in your help.

What would you do. A married, well loved family inlaw has come onto me, been cheating on his wife for years. Do I tell my husband? My usual answer would be yes, no secrets! But if I tell him, I'm scared of his reaction to be honest. If he will blame me, if he kicks off and goes to the family, will it all be my fault.

I'm not sure if we should tell his wife. As who knows if she already knows or not? It will just blow the family apart. I suppose this all links back to former sexual abuse as a child, by a family member. Which no one knows about I'm paralysed with fear of rocking the family boat, or getting the blame. Of upsetting the family.

I feel my dh should know, I just don't think I can face telling him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2012 09:47

BTW... sexting and naked pictures are evidence. If you think you'd be doubted , keep the evidence and then it is not your word against his. Sick elderly relatives, children, wives etc., are really not your concern.

Do find some courage... dealing with this man assertively may well be a useful catalyst in realising that you are not a little kid any more but a grown woman that has the strength and confidence to say the 'fuck off' that you couldn't say in the past.

Bunbaker · 23/04/2012 09:48

Can you block his number?

Helltotheno · 23/04/2012 09:51

You shouldn't feel that your DH will go mad at you though... do you think there's any chance he would? I would be worried for you if I thought you couldn't count on his support.

I see where you're coming from and unfortunately someone who blows the whistle, even though they're completely in the right, isn't always vindicated, and if you do, you'll still likely be the worst in the world in the eyes of some people.

It's a tough situation to be in OP but I really hope you can at least count on your DH for support, even if you both ultimately choose not to do anything about it.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/04/2012 09:56

OP: you may feel 12, but you are not 12. You are a capable adult: you can stand up to people now, even those older than you, even those in respected positions. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to let someone deal with the consequences of their own shitty action - not keep their secret for them.

I also want to echo what 21yoman said:

Would you be the one to blow his family apart, or would it be the normal consequences of his actions?

And is it your resposnsiblity to protect him from the consequences of his actions?

Longtalljosie · 23/04/2012 09:57

In the gentlest possible way, you are catastrophising. You are assuming that telling your husband means that everyone else has to know (it doesn't) that widespread pain will be caused etc etc. And of course this is just how your abuser made you feel. No wonder you're so upset and scared, it's a feeling you associate with your past experience of abuse.

The way to turn off that feeling is to take a very deep breath and tell your husband. Tell him you have something shocking to tell him about a member of his family and that he must promise before you do that he will wait at least 48 hours before taking it outside your four walls. Then talk to him about the likely outcomes, the elderly relatives etc. He's your DH, not a thunderstorm. Once his anger subsides he will be able to assess all these things. I suggest you tell him to ring Lech-face and tell him to back off, and that if he so much as looks in your direction again you will, as a couple, go public with all you know.

Be part of a couple, and take control. You are not alone and powerless in this, you just feel as if you are.

whatsallthefuss · 23/04/2012 09:58

if he is coming on to you then he isnt the perfect married family guy

TwllBach · 23/04/2012 10:00

I haven't the balls to say outright fuck off that's the thing.

Yes you do. You are a brave, strong woman, look at what you have overcome already. If you can't say it to his face, can you text it to him? Normally I would say do not engage in anything like that, but I find that sometimes if I have emailed or text someone something, it becomes easier to say it to their faces next time I see them. Don't be nice about it, don't sugar coat it, because you can bet your bottom dollar that if it all does come to a head, he will use anything remotely civil to show round and say that you were participating. All you have to write is:

You make me feel uncomfortable. I do not like how you have approached me, it is inappropriate. I am telling my husband and will do so every time you act in this way again."

I think you have to do it. He sounds like the kind of wanker that would say "well she never said no so I assumed that she was complicit" as well. It will make you feel stronger to say fuck off.

I am so angry on your behalf OP.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 23/04/2012 10:04

I echo longtalljosie advice completely. Good luck op you can do this, strength to you.

PosieParker · 23/04/2012 10:06

Tell your DH.

olgaga · 23/04/2012 10:08

OP, PartofaWednesday is right.

I would also say that people like him have an instinct for the kind of vulnerability you have eloquently described.

Do not accept this treatment. Tell him it has to stop. Do you have texts etc on your phone from him asking you for naked pics etc? If so keep them, and your texts in response, telling him that you are uncomfortable with his disrespectful treatment of you and his wife.

I doubt if this man would want to "get in first", but if you fear he will say it was you coming on to him you can show the texts to your DH and say you were prepared to keep it to yourself out of consideration for the family dynamics - but he can see for himself that you are blameless.

I am concerned that you say this:

But if I tell him, I'm scared of his reaction to be honest. If he will blame me, if he kicks off and goes to the family, will it all be my fault.

I am wondering if this is your childhood fear and lack of confidence speaking, or whether you have good reason to lack confidence in your DH's reaction. To be honest, if you have good reason to doubt your DH in this way, then he sounds equally unpleasant.

mummytime · 23/04/2012 10:10

I would tell everyone. If your "D"H is angry with you, then he is a product of this messed up family (which is how it sounds).
Please go and get some support and preferably counselling, I am just very worried that given what you have said and what you believe will be the reaction of your H and his family, that there maybe a lot more issues in this family.

Original poster
Onnoreally · 23/04/2012 10:41

Back. Well I haven't given him any reason to doubt me before. I don't even have opportunity.

To clarify a few things, when I say what was offered up, it was by email. I froze, just thought ohh fuck and deleted it all. Which makes me look guilty. But I was scared of it all, what was going to happen.

Linked to my past? Probably? No this guy wasn't him, he was from my family.
I'm not trying to protect him it's everyone else. Could I trust my husband not to explode and bring it all out? No.

He hasn't contacted me since. The funny thing is. Another thread, another poster. I'd be telling them to get strong, get tough put him in his place. But for some reason I'm scared too, I just am. No it's not logical and showed that I probably do need counselling. I'm clearly not over it. I feel frozen, with fear about saying anything. Weird huh?

I think I'm gonna have to tell him, because the "guilt" is eating me up. But I just don't know how he is going to react at all. I don't even know if he will believe me. Only 7 hours till he gets home :( what do I say?

OP posts:
BelieveInPink · 23/04/2012 10:47

I know you say you deleted the emails but did you delete them from the trash etc? Sent items? It would help, I think. Not saying your husband will not think that you are innocent but it would help. You can't not say anything because it will cause you stress and you will always wonder what will happen if it comes out and you weren't honest.

Bite the bullet. Then I suppose you wait to see how he reacts, whether that be having a word in his ear or letting the whole family know. Whatever happens, you are not the cause or the reason; the "perfect married family guy" is. Good luck.

Charbon · 23/04/2012 10:47

Is there a faith or cultural issue going on in the background here, where 'elders' are revered even if they are spiteful, nasty people? And women are always in the wrong and it is presumed that if a man behaves badly, it's only because a woman has 'tempted' him?

BelieveInPink · 23/04/2012 10:49

Oh and I've been in the position of having a dilemma about whether to say anything and have an evitable fallout, or staying quiet and always being on edge or imagining WW3 if the truth ever came out and I knew about it. I was honest, my conscience was clear and I felt better for it, even though the initial fallout was quite bad (but not as bad as I had expected)

It's always better to tell the truth, especially in this case where you are totally fault free.

BelieveInPink · 23/04/2012 10:50

Inevitable! Dur.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/04/2012 10:53

I'm clearly not over it. I feel frozen, with fear about saying anything. Weird huh?

Not weird at all: it's a very common reaction for people who had their boundaries violated by trusted adults when they were children. But you are not a child any longer. A counsellor could very usefully help you get to the bottom of this behaviour and learn healthier reactions.

Original poster
Onnoreally · 23/04/2012 10:54

No, no cultural issues. Bad choice of words. I was always brought up to trust and respect your elders, you know. Got fucked over with that one didn't I! Same is happening again as an adult. I must have a red beacon on my head saying. Inappropriate family liaisons, right this way.

OP posts:
TwllBach · 23/04/2012 11:01

You keep saying that you are worried that your DH won't believe you/will be angry with you - does he have a history of this?

I'm only asking because I feel this a lot about DP, but when I look at it logically I realised that eveyr time I went to him with something he would be supportive and believe me and never question me. The reason I feel that he won't is because of the reaction of my mother to my attack and also because of the way my mother and father interacted with each other while I was a child (hugely toxic relationship.) Unconsciously, I project a lot of this on to my DP (not sure if that is the right word/term) when in real life, he has been nothing but nigh on perfect.

Could this be what you are doing? If so, I think you should tell him. I am inclined to believe that this is partly what you are doing as I assume he knows about the abuse as a child and has supported you through that?

TwllBach · 23/04/2012 11:05

I must have a red beacon on my head saying. Inappropriate family liaisons, right this way.

OP it isn't your fault. It isn't. There are just some men out there that are predatory. Unless you have looked him in the eye and told him that you would like to engage in sexual acts and illicit liasons with him, then he is preying on you because he thinks he can. It is not your fault. It is a failling of his, not a weakness of yours.

Original poster
Onnoreally · 23/04/2012 11:09

I might be projecting on him. I don't know. We have had our fair share of stresses lately. But we are just muddling along fine right now.

We will soon find out which it is. I have to tell him I know. I will try and get 5 mins without kids tonight.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 23/04/2012 11:55

As someone else said are you sure they are deleted. Look in your trash. If you replied look in your sent messages.

flatbellyfella · 23/04/2012 16:28

I think this is something your husband should know about,as its a serious matter, but how he handles it is a dificult thing to comment on.

Original poster
Onnoreally · 23/04/2012 17:06

He is on his way home. I said I need to talk to you when I get in. So I am going to tell him. I know I have to, because well yes, he is my husband. I couldn't look him in the face knowing I had this secret from him. I just cant no one deserves that deceit.

So I am going to tell him, wish me luck I feel sick. I know it is irrational, I know it is not right, but I just feel its my fault and I feel guilty. So guilty that I feel if I dont say anything now, I will allow it to carry on in fear of saying anything or upsetting the cart. Much like when I was younger. At least if my husband knows, even if its just him. It is out in the open and he will understand me shying away from family oppertuinites to be alone etc.

OP posts:
DartsAgain · 23/04/2012 17:10

Onnoreally I have read this and feel your fear is mixed up with memories of the abuse you suffered. Does your DH know about the abuse? I can understand if you've never told him, but given your reaction to the latest issue maybe it's time it was all in the open, at least with your DH.

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