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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you have set days when your ex sees the kids?

28 replies

pickledparsnip · 22/04/2012 23:07

My ex recently moved out, everything is amicable so far. I really want to arrange days/eves when he sees our son though, but he is refusing. So far he has just turned up whenever he likes (has text first to say he'll be over, but it's always when he fancies it). I guess it bugs me that he can just flit in and out whenever he likes. I am happy for him to see our son other than the planned days, but would like to have certain times when I know I will have some time on my own and have a break.

OP posts:

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 22/04/2012 23:09

Plus he is the most unreliable person I know, and has let us down 4 times in the past 2 weeks. I am no longer telling our son when daddy is coming round because I don't want to get his hopes up if he doesn't show. I'm hoping he'd be able to stick better to set days.

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PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 22/04/2012 23:10

Exh sees our children from 10-6 on a Sunday and wouldn't consider being flexible or having them any extra.

Dp and I have dsd one night during the week and from sat lunch till Sunday tea. We are more flexible and arrange whatever suits us/dsd mum each week. Mil has dsd overnight 2 or 3 times a.week also.

Lueji · 22/04/2012 23:10

Children thrive on routines.

It's not fair on them that dad shows up when he feels like it either

They deserve having set days, even if some flexibility is allowed.

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 22/04/2012 23:13

Thanks for your replies. Yes that's how I feel too about the routines. I think it would be good to have something to look forward to, ds to look forward to seeing his daddy, and me looking forward to some alone time.

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TheSinglePringleWillicopters · 22/04/2012 23:13

My ex has my son every saturday after work at about 6pm and has him over night til the same time sunday night

He also has rota days through the week so he doesnt have a fixed day off. What ever day he has off he takes our son the night before

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 22/04/2012 23:14

I just feel that the ball is very much in his court with regards to when he visits. I don't think it is fair on ds.

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 22/04/2012 23:15

how much notice does he give?
what are you expected to drop to allow him to come over? and then not do because he has failed to turn up on time/at all.

corlan · 22/04/2012 23:22

I don't think it's fair on your DS or you not to have a routine.

I agree that it's best to have a set routine but you can be flexible around the set times.

One thing I would say, is try to agree that your ex will take your DS overnight as part of your routine - I never did this, which is probably why I don't have much of a social life several years on!

2blessed2bstressed · 22/04/2012 23:24

Dp has Dsd's from 6 on Friday til 6 on Sunday every second weekend, and from after school til 9 pm every Wednesday. It occasionally varies - if he's away with work on a Wed, he'll try and see them Tuesday or Thursday instead, and weekends are changed rarely, but if there's a specific family thing (on either side), or a holiday or something. It works reasonably well.

AmberLeaf · 22/04/2012 23:28

Yes, he has them on a set day overnight.

All that turning up when it suits him is a pisstake, it just means you cant ever plan anything to do without the kids.

Get him to have them overnight, its better for the kids and for you.

AmberLeaf · 22/04/2012 23:30

Oh yes and contact should be in his home not yours. coming to your house is just him marking his territory IMO and more pisstaking

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 22/04/2012 23:40

He's been letting me know the night before. I was angry today because he didn't come round til early eve, despite having all day off to do nothing except nurse a hangover. The he wanted to take out out our very tired son who was ready for dinner and bed. When I said that I thought it was too late for him to be going out, he made out like I was being unreasonable. I would never stop him from seeing our son, but as far as I'm concerned he's selfish.

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maxcliffordslovechild · 22/04/2012 23:41

exp picks up DD every friday night 5pm and drops off at 6pm sat night although we are both flexible, if he wants more or something crops up as long as he gives me a bit of notice it's ok. Contact is at his home not mine. Children need routine IMHO.

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 22/04/2012 23:42

Yes I agree, he should be taking him to his place more. He has once but it's mostly been at mine. I know I'm going to have to set some groundrules. He seems to treat the house as if he is still here (eating and washing his clothes). I hate the fact he doesn't ask. If he asked to use the washing machine an eat I would be fine with it.

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Original poster

pickledparsnip · 22/04/2012 23:43

I'm being walked all over aren't I? Right, must put a stop to this.

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NettleTea · 22/04/2012 23:44

once a fortnight, for about an hour and a half, unless he cant make it.....

I would insist on routine, and if he cant stick to it, stop him seeing him until he can.

Its just a way he is using to control you.

NettleTea · 22/04/2012 23:46

oh, definately not in your house either.
He cannot come into your home when he likes. he is an ex.
no cooking
no eating
no washing

he is seriously taking the piss

maxcliffordslovechild · 22/04/2012 23:47

Does he have a key? If so you need to get it back or change the locks.

ThereGoesTheYear · 22/04/2012 23:48

He's taking the piss, unless it cuts both ways:

Tell him you need to agree set times. If he doesn't go for this, there's nothing to say you have to be available when he is: when he texts, just respond that that time's not convenient. If you announced at odd times that you were dropping your DS off and he just had to be there, would he be OK with that?

As for treating your house like his mum's... What would he say if you pitched up at his house and stuck a wash on and opened the fridge?

NettleTea · 22/04/2012 23:53

why would you be fine with him coming in, eating your food, and doing his washing?
he is using you to service his domestics, plus present his child as and when, while he lives the free and single life once his family requirements are done

AmberLeaf · 22/04/2012 23:59

He seems to treat the house as if he is still here (eating and washing his clothes

Oh dear, I had a feeling he was one of those ones!

Put a stop to it! does he try it on with you too?

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 23/04/2012 00:20

Oh dear, it all seems so clear now I've written it down.

I am happy for him to have a key (just in case I lose mine) and he hasn't been letting himself in.

He's a stubborn bugger, I honestly don't know how I will get him to agree to set days. I'll just have to tell him and hope he goes with it.

We had been getting on really well (too well and sleeping together) but had an almighty row this eve and it's really put things into persepective. There really is a fine line between love and hate, I feel both of these towards him, hugely. The way he spoke to me this eve was shit and I am not under any circumstances putting up with that. I was really unhappy when we were together, I must not forget that, although tonight was a big reminder of that.

I guess deep down I am upset that it didn't work, but more upset for my son. I do know that it is far better for him to grow up in an argument free and stress free household though.

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AmberLeaf · 23/04/2012 00:35

Hes having his cake and eating it too isnt he?

If you are properly seperated from him then theres more chance of proper contact with him and your DS.

Really hes coming round to see you isnt he- not DS?

I understand wanting it to work for your sons sake, but if it clearly doesnt you are better off apart.

Be strong, you are worth more than feeling like this.

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 23/04/2012 00:44

Thank you Amber. It all sounds rather pathetic when I look at it written down. I am usually a strong fiesty person, but just seem to be weak right now. Emotionally vulnerable I guess. I hate the way he makes me feel so unreasonable whever I try to make a change he doesn't like. I won't allow him to make me feel that way again.

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AmberLeaf · 23/04/2012 01:30

I dont think you are weak, I think you have been worn down by him and its messed up your sense of 'self'

You dont need this relationship and you will be happy out of it.

Its hard work coming out of a relationship like this but so worth it in the end.

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