Do you have set days when your ex sees the kids?

[pickledparsnip]

My ex recently moved out, everything is amicable so far. I really want to arrange days/eves when he sees our son though, but he is refusing. So far he has just turned up whenever he likes (has text first to say he'll be over, but it's always when he fancies it). I guess it bugs me that he can just flit in and out whenever he likes. I am happy for him to see our son other than the planned days, but would like to have certain times when I know I will have some time on my own and have a break.

Why did you split up? My guess is that it's because he is domineering and unreasonable, always wanting his own way. My guess is also that it is only 'amicable' so far because you've been letting him do as he pleases. Separating is the point where you say 'enough' to controlling behaviour and stamp your authority on your new life so that it goes in the direction that makes you happy. To that end, take the key off him (keep a spare with someone else if you have to), and announce that he will only be visiting on particular days in future. If he makes a fuss about this, get a solicitor and have the access formalised.

Uh yep Cogito, got it in one. He is so unreasonable I thought I was going to explode with frustration. Of course it was always me overreacting as far as he was concerned. He is very selfish but in some ways incredibly generous, none of it ever made sense. He has always had a problem with people telling him what to do, I was always accused of doing that. It was like living with a child.

Well you weren't really separated if you have been sleeping together. I think you need to make up your mind about whether you are separated or not. At the moment your son has the worst of all worlds if you are fighting and there is no routine.

If you have finally separated you need to reply to every text with "No it's not convenient. We need to agree a routine of set times when you will collect our son for contact."

It will be better for you and your son in the long run.

As for him having a key - get it back, and organise an alternative or make sure you don't lose your key!