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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can someone on the stately homes thread read my message and help me xxx

32 replies

fortoday · 22/04/2012 19:10

tia x

OP posts:
Original poster
fortoday · 22/04/2012 19:15

bump

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2012 19:21

Just read it, could you not just cut her out of your life?

The sorriest thing that i ever did was allow a relationship to build up between her and my children.

I think that this has helped some of my problems continue.

Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2012 19:26

The only thing that has somewhat helped has to challenge her on what she does. When she asked me why i don't spend time with her, i ask her outright, why i would, because she is only ever negative and nasty.

Original poster
fortoday · 22/04/2012 19:30

thats birdsgottafly- i can't vut her out because of the kids, i wanted them to have a relationship but on new yr (no sure f you have seen my 1t post) she attacked me with a knife was out of control, kids were woken absolutely terrified, we managed to get everyone in the conservatory and my dh held the door until taxi came, chucked out at 3am because she had too much to drink and said i was to blmae for the demise of my alcholic father- he died when i was 23, I was his carer, he was a wondreful man with an illness, the divorce when i was 18 and also the monies from my dads pensions that had been settled in court that were between me and my sister x
I want my dads arms around me, i miss him terribley, my dh is still angry at my mom and seeing me like this still is killing me I want to put my shoes on and run away right now far away as i can. i love my dh and my two beauitful children but can function like this now x

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Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2012 19:35

What positives does she bring to your children's life?

I think that you are worn down and she has crossed the line.

You need to put yourself in control, at present, she is making the decisions and she isn't fit to do so.

My mother has a PD, does your's have a diagnosed MH condition? Her behaviour has gone wellbeyond acceptablelimits.

She is being an abusive parent. No wonder that you feel as you do, it is the equvialent of living with extreme DV, but worse because it makes you relive the past, also.

arfur · 22/04/2012 19:37

Have no idea why you would want your kids to have a relationship with someone who attacked you with a knife! You sound so distressed fortoday that I really believe you need to completely cut her out of your lives. You and your dh and kids deserve so much better. I know (really) that it's a hard decision to make but I also know you will feel so much better for taking control of your life and taking that control away from her xxx

Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2012 19:41

Op i have just read through your other posts.

Firstly, your mother doesn't have any right to see your children,she is unstable and a danger, so don't ever worry on that scale. Had she of injured yopu that time and the police had of been involved,she would have been charged and you would have been told by SS that she wasn't to have contact.

I don't think that you release how abusive this relationship is, it has becomne the norm, but it is destroying you.

You have to put a stop to this. Have you been through counselling?

something2say · 22/04/2012 19:41

You say she attacked you with a knife on new years? That's a pretty big deal. I wonder if it is what is making you feel mad? I'd take some time to sit down and talk about that with someone, think it through. What does it mean for you? What does it mean for the future? The safety of your kids would be an issue. They have already had an ordeal where they were terrified by something Grandma did.

My advice would be to take some time out from seeing and dealing with her, and say openly to her face or on the phone why this is. It would be OK to cross that line with her, to say to her openly what you are doing and why. No matter what she says back, just let it go like water off a duck's back. She attacked you with a knife.

Then, in time, if you want to see her again or talk to her, do so on your terms. Lunch. A walk in the park. Something safe and time limited.

I think giving up the dream of how the parent could be is one of the hardest hurdles to overcome. Then living with the reality is a disappointment and it is tempting to want to make the dream come true again. But in my experience (cut both parents off at diff times) - new life prospers and things are a lot easier.

Berts · 22/04/2012 19:58

Sorry, reflecting on something that was discussed on another thread - about how people stay in bad marriages because we believe that 'good people try to make it work'.

This is similar - we have a picture of what it is to be a good person and part of that is that 'good people are there for their parents' and 'good people give their children a relationship with their grandparents'.

It's the picture we have in our heads, but it isn't true. Your kids don't need a relationship with an abusive person. They don't need a mother who is worn down and strung out from this person's abuse. Right now, they need you to protect them from your mother.

FWIW, I didn't know my grandparents at all - perfectly nice people, but lived abroad - and I never felt like I missed out on anything x

Original poster
fortoday · 22/04/2012 20:03

i envy you 'somethingtosay', thanks birdsgottafly and arfur- I can't carry on like this anymore, she said that my kids have no idea about atsituation, the followings make me think that 'yes' they have been upset by the ordeal....
eldest asked my mom on first meet up 'have you sad sorry for making my mommy cry' she then has gone to tell my dh or sister on each occassion she has seen my mom that she has still not said sorry to mommy, but alwasy out of my earshot so assume she doesn't want me hear. ,My youngest who is 3 a few weeks said in the car yesterday that isn't frightened of nanny but frightened of grandma- unprovoked! Poor babies. I never talk about my mom with the kids and they never ask to see her x

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Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2012 20:13

Sorry to be blunt but this relationship is abusive to you and your children, but you have a choice, they don't, there is already signs of damage, end it now.

This is playing on the eldest child's mind.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/04/2012 20:16

OK, so your DCs don't want a relationship with her, so where does that leave the argument that you can't cut her out because of them? Nowhere, is where. They will understand if you don't see her again. It's just your feelings you have to deal with now. It'll be much harder for you than for your DCs because she is your mother, not theirs, and by the sound of it they do have one nice grandmother.

oikopolis · 22/04/2012 20:21

it's time to cut her out OP.

it doesn't matter if it's hard for you, it's the right thing to do for your children. if you expose your kids to abuse and fear, you are yourself abusing and neglecting them. don't be like you mother. take care of your children, put them first.

Original poster
fortoday · 22/04/2012 20:23

i miss my dad- i'm crying for him now because he could always cuddle me- i won't let my dh its hard to give in and be comforted by him. He will not let kids see my mom unsupervised. My mom said the children will not remember the incident- they probably won't but they will have an understanding of fear. I cried in front of them today and my eldest said is this because of grandma? I never cry, especially not infront of them, i know it has affected them as they talk to other people about it not me. I feel responsible- tonight i want to pack my bags and leave and run far away as possible, start again, alone. I feel like I can't go on. I'm under a therapist by the way to help with my past issues as dad died of alcholism at 51 6 years ago... it gets harder to deal with, i miss him he was a hero to me a gentle man with a disease, and even though his bad times he never frightened me or made me feel like despair my mom does. I think i might have to ring someone to talk to me tonight x

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Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2012 20:28

My mom said the children will not remember the incident- they probably won't

They will and your eldest knows that the behaviour towards you is wrong.

I would stick to the therapy, this may help you to open up to your DH.

A child is never responsible (as you once were) and an adult does not deserve to be attacked in their own home.

You don't need to run away, you need to push your mother away. Rebuild your life with the family you have, your DH and your children.

Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2012 20:29

Rebuild your life with the family you have, your DH and your children.

Ment to add, and those who love you x

Original poster
fortoday · 22/04/2012 20:36

thats birdsgottafly- she has destroyed me though- I have such wonderful friends but i have pretended all my life that i had a perfect family- had to tell them all the gruesome details in jan when I had a break donw over it all- the details of being thrown out the front door in my underwear when i was a teenage, into the garden when it was raining as toddlers, I remember cuddling my sister who was only 18 months, we were both naked, in the freezing cold on the bench in the garden for 5 hours. The black eyes, the scrathes the bites on my face, the bruises to my neck- I had to admit to them that my mom did these. my mom ripped a chunk of my hair out and kept it in an enevelope..
My sister and i were good kids, a* students, polite, kind and not tearaways in the slightese- why did we get my mom who would spit in out faces as children, pour our dinner over our heads- my earliest memeory that haunts me is when she used to squeeze my hand when we were out and roll my knockles I was only 3 or 4. I made my life a lie, It should have stayed that way because facing up to it has been so much harder x

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Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2012 20:42

I think that you should congratulate yourself on how you have turned out despite having an abusive childhood.

You need your mother out of your life.

Original poster
fortoday · 22/04/2012 20:47

just need to step up now really- but for tonight I am taking my sleeping pills and going to bed as my heart is beating too fast, i don't want a panic attack to finish me off today.
Before i go a dream i had that i old my therapist about was i was kidnapped by a bad gang that shot me but i survived, i then tried to convince the leader that I was worth something and should be kept a live, it was so vivid i remember all the things I said trying to convince them, stupid things like i can cook, clean, i am good with kids, I will be you slave etc the end of the dream was when the bad leader turned round it was my mom... I am 29, I feel like I still need a parent, my dad, to tell me he loves me, as the way my mind works, he didn't love me enough not kill himself with booze and my mom just simply borders on hating me. X

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YouAREworthIt · 22/04/2012 20:48

Sharing blood does not give you any rights over anyone...

Get it out or your kids will not forgive you.

Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2012 21:04

You feel like that because you have never had the unconditional love and self worth that should have been given to you by your mother (because she was your primary carer).

You haven't even had basic care, by the sounds of it.

Your mother doesn't hate you, even people that you hate, you wouldn't treat like that, especially a child or someone more vulnerable than you.

You will learn not to rationalise her behaviour as though there is justifiable reason.

Original poster
fortoday · 22/04/2012 21:14

thank you birdsgottafly- its hard to take though- some of my friends were shits and their parents would still wipe their bums if asked- I miss my dad terribly, i used to sit and cry for him to come home from work when i was a little girl because my mom was on one- I feel like that little girl again, but with the adult realisation that he is never going to come home x thanks for your support tonight x

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Anniegetyourgun · 22/04/2012 21:20

I hope you have a peaceful night's sleep and feel a whole lot more positive in the morning.

Look, the thing about your dad, you know he was ill. It was the illness getting in the way of loving you as much as he should. He didn't love himself enough not to drink himself to death, and I'm sure he would have told himself that you'd be better off without him, even though of course it was wrong. He would never have done that to you otherwise.

It makes more sense, you saying that about your dad, why you don't let your DH comfort you at these times. You are looking for a parent's love, but he is not your parent. He is your life partner, though, so - as long as he's a good one - he should have the right to defend you, as he did, and support you, as he wants to.

Your DH is absolutely right to forbid your mother to have unsupervised access to the DCs, too. It doesn't matter what she says. She cannot be trusted.

TheHappyHissy · 22/04/2012 21:26

You poor love.

In a way you ARE that little girl, but the person that's going to come save you from your mother is YOU.

You have to cut her out of your lives, she ought to be in prison Tbh, but you must cease contact, save yourself and your DC.

Eventually the panic will subside, as your body realises that you're safe.

Original poster
fortoday · 22/04/2012 21:35

thank you everyone- i know what i have to do but i do feel like that little girl- i want her to like me, love me, tell me that i am ok, but she never will, has never done that or i think even wants to. My tears are real and hot and they come right from my tummy- i need some kind of release from all of this, i feel I have failed my kids already but putting them in that situation, my little one was so frightened she wet herself while it was happening, my babies, the babies that my mother always says she had to shoe horn off me, the simple reason for that is that i know deep in my heart she may one day look at them with the contempt in her eyes she does me... she said she hated me from the minute i was born because my dad loved me more than her. I miss my dad if only he was here just to hold me, she is a horrible woman, during the divorce she accused my dad - in court- that he abused me sexually. My dad was the most gentle moral man in the world, he never did that- its just she couldn't understand our bond because it is something she never wanted or could build with me x

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