What to do about cousin in violent relationship possibly being held against her will

[tiredinberkshire]

Hi,

I'm posting in here as I reckon it's the place with most experience in DV situations, even though it's not my relationship.

I am a regular poster - usually in steparenting.

My cousin is the same age as me, 30. I am not close toher but more so my aunt and my other cousin, her brother - although not very much so in the past few years. We were all extremely close growing up but various things have happened in both sides of the family, most people have moved away, and we've drifted apart a bit. I couldnt really talk freely to either of them about this.

I'll call my cousin Sarah for ease. Sarah has always been a bit of a black sheep - she has had drink problems which we all knew about for years and we all take it that she has drug problems but no one has any proof. Her parents have moved to France so she has no real support over here. Her Dad comes over to the UK for work around once a month but doesnt visit her.

Anyway, my aunt has emailed me to say she wants to warn me that if sarah calls me or texts me (which she does sometimes),asking for help then I am to ignore her and not get involved as she is in with some scary types. Or as my aunt said "the worst type of man" She is living in a caravan outside a large house owned by a man who if you google his name is listed as owning about 8 business and 6 large houses. My aunt had called the police because Sarah had called her to say that she was trapped in the caravan and woke up with someone injecting something in to her face and that her partner was being abusive to her. The police were concerned and interested until my aunt told them the man's name at which point they went very quiet and dismissed her saying that as Sarah is an adult she would need to make a complaint herself.(I imagine they want him for something far greater than this and it would ruin their investigations) My aunt said she is sick of Sarah's drama and thatshe has been "advised" although I don't know by who - sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle to me) That they have to let Sarah reach her own personal rock bottom and to ask for help. My Mum agrees with me that it sounds like she already has hit rock bottom and might need someone to intervene.

I have called her but her phone is off all the time. Having children myself I am loath to go down there and get tangled up in everything and for all I know she doesn't want to be "saved" but I am really worried and don't know what to do.

My Aunt is convinced that Sarah is imagining the fact that she is suffering DV... on account of being a drunk. But there again my Aunt is also very fond of Sarah's ex (whom Sarah "cheated on" with this new man). Sarah said that he was abusive to her as well but my Aunt would never beleive it as he is "such a lovely man"...

Does anyone have a suggestion that I haven't thought of? Are there any organisations that might be more interested than the police who clearly have their own agenda?

Sorry....anyone?

Any other "neutral" relatives who could go?
And definitely more than 1 person.This situation is potentially dangerous.
I dont have many ideas, hope someone else will answer soon.
Who would Sarah run to if she could?

Uhm... who does your aunt think she is, telling you what you are to do? You are an adult capable of making your own decisions.

What do you want to do?

• intervene?
• stay well out of it?
• wait to see if Sarah contacts you herself?
• call the police for your own conversation with them, rather than one relayed and possibly heavily re-interpreted by your aunt?
• call Sarah?
• other?

I'd contact the police myself and make a formal complaint if they don't investigate properly.

It sounds like a very confusing (and potentially worrying) situation but it seems like you have very few facts to go on. You can't get hold of your cousin yourself, your aunt's story doesn't make a lot of sense (police interested then not interested - are you really sure this is what happened?), the addictions.

I would keep trying to make contact with your cousin but also maybe seek the advice of your own police force - clearly there's nothing they can do on third-hand hearsay but they may be able to have a chat with the force involved, at least.

If Sarah says she is being held in a caravan against her will, is being injected against her will and wants help, then the first step is to listen to her, believe her. If this was a woman without drug and alcohol problems how would we react? We would of course say call the Police. I don't think we should regard Sarah as 'less than' any other woman because of her lifestyle (if anything it makes her more vulnerable).

When calling the Police I would ask to be put through to your local Public Protection Unit. They are the people with expertise in domestic abuse, violent crime etc.

Another aspect we need to consider is exploitation. Those involved in human trafficking and sexual exploitation often inject people with drugs against their will to make them complicit in the abuse. This seems far fetched however when you add into the mix that he is very wealthy, it seems a possibility.

I've been thinking your dilemma through since you posted...

Given the alleged police response to your aunt, and given that it seems that your cousin has no immediate family members willing to get off their arses and visit her, it seems to me that your choice is clear - either check on her yourself or do nothing.

Offhand, other than religious groups and charity/debt collectors, I can't think of any other organisations that are willing to knock on doors uninvited and, as your cousin phoned her not very dm, it seems that it is within her power to ask for help - if, in fact, that was the purpose of her call.

If I were you, I'd feel obliged to go check on her myself. If you decide to take that route I would suggest you leave your dc in the care of your dm or other trusted person and take a friend with you.

As it appears that your cousin has a problem with her phone, it would be entirely reasonable for you to call on her should you wish to invite her to a family function or similar.

If she's not in the caravan I personally wouldn't have any compunction about knocking on the door of the house and, in the absence of a satisfactory outcome, I'd ask neighbours if they've seen her around and to give her a message to make contact should they see her.

Btw, as she obviously has her own axe to grind, I wouldn't read too much into your aunt's account of her conversation with the police or place any great reliance on anything she says in relation to your cousin.

My own mother and sister ignored me when all I asked them for just a kind text reply. I was abroad, so were they. 2-3 weeks would elapse if I mentioned that I'd had a iffy day, and my sister went out of her way last year to tell me that NO, she wasn't ever as busy as she made out when she was in NYC, she just ignored my texts. No excuse, no reason, just that she didn't want to reply.

Your aunt is even MORE vile than they are. She just doesn't WANT to know. If you get involved, and if you ever get to the bottom of the story, I am sure you will see how low your aunt really is. Let's hope it doesn't take the discovery of a body for her to 'get involved'.

There are reasons that your cousin is in this DV situation and they are known as Her Mother and her Father. She won't know this yet, but in time she will realise. All the problems she has had growing up? Yep, that sounds like abusive/disconnected/Stately Homes type parenting to me.

Keep trying to contact your cousin. If DC are concerned you can call the NSPCC or SS and see if there is anything you can do there. Otherwise contact the police and ask them if they are aware of anything going on, that you are worried and would appreciate them helping you to find out if there is any reason for concern.

Ultimately, yes, your cousin IS a grown up, she IS the only one that can get herself out of this. She has to want to get out. Getting to that point can take a very long time... some never reach it. And then some never make it out even when they do realise they need to get out.

BUT...

If she thinks that she has no-where safe to go to, no soft place to fall, she will not feel able to get out. ATM, she has no-one to turn to.

The poor girl.

Have you spoken to her brother? To your uncle? Apart from phoning the police as suggested, I would be asking every member of my extended family on their knowledge, ideas etc. just because your aunt has said one thing, doesn't mean everyone agrees with her, and what she's written to you, may not be exactly what she said - or all of what she said - at the time.

Call the police again. Get their answer yourself (not relayed through your aunt) and ask that they at least go and check on Sarah themselves. Surely they can't refuse to check out a woman who may be held against her will and unable to contact anyone for help?

If you were to call the police, all you'd be doing would be, effectively, reporting an email that you've received from your aunt.

When you mentioned going 'down there', are you implying that your cousin is living near to your home? If so, I would suggest that you have a word with your community police officer who may be able to put some 'feelers' out - but, again personally, I'd want to physically see my cousin and satisfy myself that she's ok.

I would have expected the police to do a welfare check on Sarah given the alleged circumstances. It all sounds potentially very scary. The fact that she has problems with alcohol increase the chance of her being abused as it makes her vulnerable.

If you can't get in touch with her, then surely you can call the police and report her "missing."

They would have to go and check out whether she was at the last known address you have for her. If it's the home of Grunter McThug, then they'll just have to deal with it.

You might have to think up an excuse as to why you can't go yourself though. A practical one, like, you don't drive or something.

Good grief, poor woman. Call the police yourself.

What Lueji said. Call the police yourself. Maria Stubbings was a DV victim who died because of fuck ups by the police. They even had her address wrong. If the police are dismissive just drop into the conversation that Red magazine are doing a petition to get more DV advocates working with the police. They might take it more seriously and shift their arses if they get worried that shit might stick to them if anything really bad happens to your cousin.

Thanks all. I do want to do something.. I am just scared of going there and getting involved in something dangerous. I get the impression that he is something pretty big. Maybe I watch too many films.
The more I think about my aunt the sadder I feel. I know things are never black and white but if this was my daughter I'd be headed down there with an army not emailing the whole family telling them to steer clear.
I'll call the police.
In answer to some of the questions, she has NO WHERE to turn. I wouldnt talk to her Dad, my uncle, there are many question marks over his head for me.

Is there are reason you cant ring the police right this minute.

It's fact that, unless they are found being subjected to assault/attack, many victims of abuse and dv lie to the police and there's no reason to suppose that your cousin will be any different.

Unless she is on the radar as an adult who is vulnerable to abuse and/or exploitaton, there's no reason to suppose that the police will be willing to act as welfare workers or go-betweens.

However, if you intend to contact them, I would suggest that you call the police station nearest to where your cousin is living as no doubt officers in that locality will aware of who is living on their patch and whether one of the 'residents' presents a danger to her.

There are individuals who the police would only call on if they were armed mob-handed but, as such head cases are few and far between, I suspect you have been watching too many films and no harm would come to you if you turned up on your cousin's doorstep and invited her to accompany you to the nearest coffee shop - and you'd also have the satisfaction of seeing for yourself what conditions she is living in.

If your cousin was a relative of mine, there'd be no 'ifs' or 'but's. Even if it's a fraction as bad as your aunt has claimed, I'd hire a Hummer and an armed guard if necessary and get her out of there.

Blimey - your aunt is a nice bit of work!!

Was she the black sheep before or after she got into the drugs - maybe they helped numb the feeling of worthlessness generated by parents who didnt seem to like her as she was... (pure conjecture here, of course)
And now they have buggered off abroad and her dad doesnt even visit her when he comes over - make her feel wanted, why dont you. No wonder she took up with the type of men who appear charming but are abusive to vulnerable young women who are desperately looking for love..

And as for 'waiting til she hits rock bottom and asks for help' - surely ringing your mother to say you are being held captive and being drugged is that call?? Or is that the sort of call your aunt gets every day of the week.

and then telling YOU to ignore her if she calls??? How low does she need to get before her parents notice her - 6 foot under??

Sorry, but she is a prize bitch.

Not sure what to advise though. Are there a few of you could go down mob handed and remove her from this bloke if things were as she has claimed.

Have you been in contact with Sarah at all yourself?

Does she have Facebook? Could you send her a message on there (remembering that the abusive partner may be monitoring it) and suggest a meeting for coffee or a chat on the phone? Make up a fib about the children wanting to tell her big news about school or some gossip about a distant relative.

If you get no response, if at all possible I would consider going down to see her in person. Bringing a late birthday present or photos of your new house or cousins baby or something. My feeling is that you would be at worst rudely turned away and if you accepted that and left immediately if you felt in danger, that's would be an acceptable level of risk for me. But that's my comfort level and I admit I know nothing but what you've written about her personal circumstances. I certainly wouldn't bring children near the place.

I called her local police station and was promised a call back today. I have had contact with her myself but not since this recent news. We met round our grans and she was off her head and telling us how great her life had worked out. Incidentally my dd loved her on account of her "funny voice" and "sparkly eyes"
I asked her if she was okay then and she just laughed and said that of course she was. Since then I've had Text messages that appear normal.. Ish. But when I text her back she (or someone) responds with "who is this"
She lives 2 hours from me and with a young dd there isn't much chance of me getting down there. I'll see what the police say today.
I guess you're all right about my aunt

I hope the police do something this time.Im naive about the police,apart from I did have a cousin who worked in London Police Force and in Scotland Yard I think.
Thanks for posting back. Did you get any sleep?
Now you have had some replies, I expect you will get some more if you need them.
I hope Sarah accepts some help at some point.

God thats awful, your aunt is not a nice person at all is she?

I hope you get a good response from the police OP.

It might help you, if when the police ring, that you have a list of the helpful things the posters on here have said, in front of you, to help you in the conversation.If you are anything like me, you will forget to say certain stuff at the time, to the right person.