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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do about cousin in violent relationship possibly being held against her will

61 replies

tiredinberkshire · 22/04/2012 13:50

Hi,

I'm posting in here as I reckon it's the place with most experience in DV situations, even though it's not my relationship.

I am a regular poster - usually in steparenting.

My cousin is the same age as me, 30. I am not close toher but more so my aunt and my other cousin, her brother - although not very much so in the past few years. We were all extremely close growing up but various things have happened in both sides of the family, most people have moved away, and we've drifted apart a bit. I couldnt really talk freely to either of them about this.

I'll call my cousin Sarah for ease. Sarah has always been a bit of a black sheep - she has had drink problems which we all knew about for years and we all take it that she has drug problems but no one has any proof. Her parents have moved to France so she has no real support over here. Her Dad comes over to the UK for work around once a month but doesnt visit her.

Anyway, my aunt has emailed me to say she wants to warn me that if sarah calls me or texts me (which she does sometimes),asking for help then I am to ignore her and not get involved as she is in with some scary types. Or as my aunt said "the worst type of man" She is living in a caravan outside a large house owned by a man who if you google his name is listed as owning about 8 business and 6 large houses. My aunt had called the police because Sarah had called her to say that she was trapped in the caravan and woke up with someone injecting something in to her face and that her partner was being abusive to her. The police were concerned and interested until my aunt told them the man's name at which point they went very quiet and dismissed her saying that as Sarah is an adult she would need to make a complaint herself.(I imagine they want him for something far greater than this and it would ruin their investigations) My aunt said she is sick of Sarah's drama and thatshe has been "advised" although I don't know by who - sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle to me) That they have to let Sarah reach her own personal rock bottom and to ask for help. My Mum agrees with me that it sounds like she already has hit rock bottom and might need someone to intervene.

I have called her but her phone is off all the time. Having children myself I am loath to go down there and get tangled up in everything and for all I know she doesn't want to be "saved" but I am really worried and don't know what to do.

My Aunt is convinced that Sarah is imagining the fact that she is suffering DV... on account of being a drunk. But there again my Aunt is also very fond of Sarah's ex (whom Sarah "cheated on" with this new man). Sarah said that he was abusive to her as well but my Aunt would never beleive it as he is "such a lovely man"...

Does anyone have a suggestion that I haven't thought of? Are there any organisations that might be more interested than the police who clearly have their own agenda?

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredinberkshire · 23/04/2012 09:49

I don?t know what to think in terms of my Aunt? maybe she has done a lot more than I know about to try to help. She is pretty unwell and her husband is unsupportive so maybe she really is at the end of her tether. I find it hard to imagine ever not believing my DD if she came to me with these stories but she is 5 years old ? not a 30 year old drink & drug addict? maybe something in you changes when confronted with those circumstances. Whatever is going on and has gone on (I doubt I?ll ever know for sure), it is incredibly sad and I will do everything I can to help.
That?s a great idea about writing a list for the police, I do forget to mention things when in the heat of the moment.
Do you think that womensaid or similar would be interested? Or do you have to refer yourself to them?
Someone asked if the problems started for my cousin at any particular point ? she has always had problems really, well, since a young teenager. Her and her brother were adopted and she was about 5 when they were taken from their mother and remembers a lot about that time. She?s never really come to terms with all of it and has always been hung up on how she is adopted.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 23/04/2012 09:58

Poor poor Sarah. I hope she can be helped.That is so sad.Im nearly crying myself.
I dont know anything about Womens Aid.
Another poster should come along soon.Other posters are very clued up about it.

Original poster
tiredinberkshire · 23/04/2012 11:44

thanks amillionyears I hope so. Still no call from the police. I'm at work today but I'll try to get out and call again at lunch time.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 23/04/2012 15:49

It may be that be that, after years of stress caused by her dd's behaviour, your aunt has adopted a policy of 'tough love' towards her dd but the more I hear about your cousin, the more compassion I have for her.

Women's Aid aren't missionaries and it's highly unlikely that any of their workers, or those of similar organisations, would be prepared to go in search of your cousin unless she was personally known to them.

I sincerely hope you get a result from the police. However if not, and if your cousin's located in London, I'd be willing to call at her address using some pretext or other - old friend of your family, got her address from you, in the area by chance, thought I'd pay an impromptu visit, or similar reason.

If she's not living in London, it may be that another intrepid mumsnetter who lives near to your cousin's location would be willing to check up pay a call on her. It's possible that there's a mumsnetter living in the same road and if you state the county she's living in, perhaps a would-be volunteer will pm you on the offchance that they live close by or pass the address every day on the school run or other regular journey.

,

TheHappyHissy · 23/04/2012 15:59

The Aunt is a Narc. she caused all this. Don't give her a second thought. She'll keep. [anger]

That's not tough love, there's no love about leaving a DD in a place where she's being injected in her face FFS.

Poor Sarah.

MissFaversham · 23/04/2012 16:06

I'd HAVE to go and take a look for myself. I'd also take a big burly lad with me too.

She could be in real deep trouble if what's been said is true.

Original poster
tiredinberkshire · 23/04/2012 17:11

It's Portsmouth....

OP posts:
izzyizin · 23/04/2012 17:40

Aw shit. I don't know anyone who lives in Pompey but, as I doubt that the folk from that venerable city are feint-hearted, I hope that an HMS Intrepid mumsnetter will volunteer to do a recce with a view to subsequently attempting to make contact with your cousin.

izzyizin · 23/04/2012 20:55

Have you heard back from the police?

Original poster
tiredinberkshire · 23/04/2012 21:03

I didn't hear back so got my mum to call them, they're going to go and check on Sarah... And will let us know what they find. My mum called my aunt and told her our feelings and she said that she had already sent the police round (not what she told me) and they said sarah was happy there and not against her will so we are to ignore it.. It's all very odd to say the least...

OP posts:
izzyizin · 23/04/2012 21:19

I can only hope that your aunt or your dm has made the police aware that your cousin may be abusing drugs as well as being abused by others.

I also hope that a mumsnetter may be able to at least give you an idea of what type of property she's living in - or have you seen it on google's aerial view?

amillionyears · 23/04/2012 21:25

At least the police seem to be about to do something.Good, and hope things are okay.

SherlockGnomes · 23/04/2012 22:16

Keep us updated if you can OP, am worrying about Sarah!

Original poster
tiredinberkshire · 24/04/2012 11:01

No word yet...

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredinberkshire · 24/04/2012 11:05

tried google aerial view... have PMd you izzy.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 25/04/2012 07:14

Did anything happen yesterday?

Original poster
tiredinberkshire · 25/04/2012 08:11

They can't comment...! Sorry, I feel like I've burdened everyone else with it now Sad an going to talk to mum tonight and hopefully put a plan of action together.

OP posts:
feelingafailure · 25/04/2012 08:19

What a sad situation.The girl needs help.Poor girl is prob so messed up .Prob thinks she is worthless.If she was adoptived she must feel if her now parents dont give a ---- about her how can she feel good about her self.My daughter was in a refuge and it really did help her to get her head together .its in the local phone book to arrange to go there.Maybe she might have to go to rehab contact doctors. for that.Hopefully she will want to .help herself if not it could be a unhappy ending.Pray its not. but cant any one have her committed for her own sake.at least she would be in the best hands and get the help she needs.I believe in tough love but it can come to a point when they dont need tough love but suport and real love. xx

amillionyears · 25/04/2012 08:29

tiredinberkshire, at least they have looked into it, I presume.Sounds like it is an ongoing situation to them?I have no idea how all this stuff works. Do they now have a duty of care to her, since they have been made aware, and are aware of her situation?Did they give you any advice at all?
And dont feel like you have burdened other people. To me this is one of the main reasons for MN existence.

TheHappyHissy · 25/04/2012 09:27

You did the right thing. Fingers crossed some good will come from this.

Never berate yourself for caring for another human being.

amillionyears · 25/04/2012 09:47

feelingafailure, lovely helpful post.
Trying to be gentle, do you think you should amend or change your name.We have all done things the wrong way somewhere along the way, but you actually seem lovely so perhaps you need to move on?I havent read any of your previous posts, so dont "know" you at all.Could be "wasfeelingafailurebutIhave learnt a few things".Or something completely new and different.I dont mean to offend you or railroad the ops thread.

feelingafailure · 25/04/2012 18:53

dont need to name change realy cause its just a nickname. i am not a failure in real life.just have had a few ups and downs here and there so i do see and feel others pain.I nicknamed my self that when i got made redundant after lots of years in the same employment.and as I dont post too often on here i havent changed it. As long as i dont come across rude and nasty it is only a nickname.I have a happy marraige ,lovely house etc.Just seen a lot of people make big mistakes and couldnt help them.Only advise them.. xx

amillionyears · 25/04/2012 23:06

okxx

BarryBumlove · 25/04/2012 23:15

Not sure if Ive got the wrong end of the stick, but is this man a pimp? There may be a charity that assists women escaping prostitution who could help.

Original poster
tiredinberkshire · 26/04/2012 12:16

Okay - followed up with police again and got a really kind and helpful man who went out to check the property for me. He was surprised by what he found - i.e. a large suburban house in a very wealthy area which is being run (on the face of it) as a hostel with several female occupants each having a one room.
The man doesn't live in it (can't give too much detail there as public) he didn't find Sarah but the residents of the house clearly dislike her greatly and reported that she is this man's partner and she is often blind drunk (or on something else) and is violent towards them... (or tries to be - she is about 5"4 and weighs around 5/6 stone) He said a lot of things that he said I would have to read between the lines about and I don't think I should write them on here but he did say that certainly he or I wouldn't want our DDs involved in what is happening there and I am right to be concerned.
He will return until he is satisfied that he has seen her face to face, and suggested that I contact SS as there are currently no criminal acts that are in evidence, but I am right to be concerned.

Will do.

OP posts: