how to I get things to change?

[needtochangenow]

DH working through the weekend (academic)....again. Comes home from work yesterday and sits and watches footy while I do all the dinner, goes on computer after dinner as I tidy up after dinner and put children to bed. This morning, as every morning, I do everything to get breakfast, his lunch for today etc ready, he gets up, showers, has breakfast, gets up from table. I say he could take one thing through to the kitchen on his way. partly to set an example to dc because recently he has got them to help more with filling dishwasher etc because he thinks it's important for them to contribute (I agree) but meanwhile he continues to do nothing. we don't live in a palace, it really is only 6 steps from where we eat to the kitchen. he refused to carry his cup through. got really angry, he says he is not going to do that when he has to go to work for 9 hour and I am just going to the park for the day.

Which is not true as I have three DC, plus some housework to do. I work a 36 hour week outside the home. He works 60 hours but I do everything to do with children, house, finances ...on top of working 36 hours.

I am rocking the boat - asking him to do something,been making it clearer recently that I am not happy for him to work so many weekends - and he does not like it.

how to I change things? I feel so miserable about this all, just feel like the maid.

, chullah!

DD1 brought her army cadet trousers home from boarding school for washing yesterday afternoon. Ten minutes before we were about to drive back again today, she remembered! "But I told you!" she wailed. "But you didn't remind me, or give them to me" I said. "But I told you!" she wailed. "But then I forgot about them!"

Well guess what, I forgot too...she did laugh, rather than have a strop (which is what her dad (bastard exH) would have done.) I washed the dirty bit under the kitchen tap with the hand soap and then shoved them in a bag and off we went. It will have to do!

OP, I sympathise.

I agree with those that have said your DH sounds like a bully. He sounds rather like my first husband, who, when asked to do something for DD1 who was then a couple of weeks old, said "What a fucking cheek" and refused to talk to me for days because he worked and it wasn't his job.

I too would change how you deal with him; refuse to do anything for him or clean up after him; leave his cup there to gather mould if he's decided to leave it there. Let him do his own washing and make his own meals. Go out to do something 'urgent' just before a mealtime and leave him to sort out dinner for the DCs.

He sounds like a total arse.

Someone upthread said, 'this sounds like me but 6 months ago'.

Ladies with crappy disrespectful, lazy h's- you should imagine it 5 years on, or 10!

I am not being over the top when I say that this kind of attitude, where basically what is underlying it is that they think you are less important than them, leads to way worse down the line. In my case, you then become the one blamed, as you are criticising them (or as they may say, 'controlling'). This may lead to them feeling more miserable, and then seeking OW in some way or other, and withdrawing.

That is where it ended up with me. This is not far fetched- as it is the attitude, you see.

As an ex academic myself, and someone with an h all fit to bust on the equality front theoretically, as as someone who also said 'oh no, this is not his style/persona', you are not immune. Regardless of his world views on this sort of thing.

The only way in which I disagree with some MN posters is, that people can change. So, men can too. But in order that they do, they have to be clear about your own boundaries, and so do you. And sometimes, sadly (and it took me a long time to learn this lesson), some of them have to be faced with something to lose.

I am loath to use children as an example, as men are not children, but our equals. But look at kids- if they are behaving badly and you ask them to change, do they do so? And some work colleagues- do they change if the boss only moans but there are no other consequences?

No, they dont. Because the rewards are high enough to merit not bothering.

The single most powerful motivator to change is loss.

It's why empty threats, strikes and cleaners just don't work

I also agree with Five that the behaviour described in these men leads to worse behaviour further down the line. These men are investing very little in their romantic relationships, but that obvious statement might not have occurred to you. Your happiness and wellbeing is of very little concern to them.

Because of that there are fewer barriers to infidelity. When if they have affairs they will tell anyone prepared to listen that they did so because they weren't getting enough sex and attention from their wives, when the truth is that they destroyed the love and respect in their relationships because they gave so little to them.

There seem to be so many women on this thread living with 'takers' and a few who have been robbed of a sex life because you understandably don't want to have sex with the selfish and lazy men in your lives. None of you should be willing to sacrifice your sexuality for these pigs. You're already sacrificing your precious time on this earth by clearing up after them, but you should really resent that you've lost that too, when you're in the prime of your lives.

Hatty, when I read the Shirley Glass book on infidelity, by a very well respected and well researched author, it was interesting that she said that men who have affairs do not do so because they are the ones giving too much to their relationships. She found over men years of research that it is in fact the men who are giving too little.

I dont think that is a coincidence. They are less invested.

Firstly, nobody likes to destroy their own work. And secondly, the underlying selfish attitudes are the same.

Sorry ladies, I can imagine this doesnt seem relevant to you now, it probably isnt. But it is worth this wider view, I think.

I do see that it is so hard at the time to see these patterns. Selfish men are very good at making us feel like the ones who are in the wrong, and it takes a long time for the mist to clear and the patterns to become obvious.