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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how to I get things to change?

55 replies

needtochangenow · 22/04/2012 07:01

DH working through the weekend (academic)....again. Comes home from work yesterday and sits and watches footy while I do all the dinner, goes on computer after dinner as I tidy up after dinner and put children to bed. This morning, as every morning, I do everything to get breakfast, his lunch for today etc ready, he gets up, showers, has breakfast, gets up from table. I say he could take one thing through to the kitchen on his way. partly to set an example to dc because recently he has got them to help more with filling dishwasher etc because he thinks it's important for them to contribute (I agree) but meanwhile he continues to do nothing. we don't live in a palace, it really is only 6 steps from where we eat to the kitchen. he refused to carry his cup through. got really angry, he says he is not going to do that when he has to go to work for 9 hour and I am just going to the park for the day.

Which is not true as I have three DC, plus some housework to do. I work a 36 hour week outside the home. He works 60 hours but I do everything to do with children, house, finances ...on top of working 36 hours.

I am rocking the boat - asking him to do something,been making it clearer recently that I am not happy for him to work so many weekends - and he does not like it.

how to I change things? I feel so miserable about this all, just feel like the maid.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 22/04/2012 14:00

do you wash and iron and put away his clothes? If so then I would calmly tell him that your responsibility as the sahp is to the children and from now on he will have to do his own washing including picking up his own things from the floor. Even if you have both agreed that your role includes all housework that doesn't mean he should be expecting you to clean up his mess.

rookiemater · 22/04/2012 14:05

DF - the OP isn't a SAHP she works full time

AnyFucker · 22/04/2012 14:09

Your husband is an arrogant twat who treats you like a 2nd class citizen

Take that as your starting point, ask yourself whether that's how you want to live your life and for that example to be set to your children

Who the fuck does he think he is ?

Lueji · 22/04/2012 14:17

Tell him he must be skiving at work if he needs to work such ling hours at weekends.
And that you will keep reminding him to do basic stuff in front of the children if he doesn't start doing it himself.

And to hire a maid if he wants one.

Lueji · 22/04/2012 14:19

Fanjo, needtochange is not even a sahp.
She works full time!

Narrowboat · 22/04/2012 14:26

How do you put up with these men? Why did you decide to marry them?

How about giving yourself a year to change your behaviour so you stop being the second class citizen, stop clearing up after him, and start expecting him to do 50% of things with the kids. Be calm and clear but don't back down.

At the same time start thing a) what you get out of this relationship and b) planning how you'd spilt up. Where'd you move to, can the kids change schools, where are the important doc like passports, do you have your own bank account, could you move back 'home' etc tec?

Start saving for an escape fund.

With both these projects ongoing then a year will fly by and your dh will (hopefully) realise something has to change. if in a year he is still arse then you'll be able to give the ultimatium 'change or we leave' and mean it.

good luck!

geekette · 22/04/2012 14:50

Women in these situations always seem to be worried about the children whilst forgetting that these children have watched these shambles for years and are either picking up the worst habits on the planet or are resenting their parents for saying "do the right thing" but simultaneously watching them do what they as children already see as the wrong thing!!

I think you already know what you should do... It does not need to end in a separation. Do not be afraid, just do what you have to do and if it ends in a separation, that will be a new bridge to cross and you'll most likely do just fine. If it doesn't, your relationship would be all the better for it.

I know the feeling of those times when you think, why was I making such a fuss? Just try to remember it is for all the right reasons.

chullah · 22/04/2012 15:52

Ok so I just disappeared for a couple of hours, have walked back in and he's sat in the same pissing place he was at 1pm.

So hereby needtochangenow, I start the strike. The washer is on, none of his clothes are in it. The children's tea is in progress and the ironing done this evening will not include his.

He either learns or basically fucks off [

So what do you reckon Needtochangenow, you game for shaking things up a little?

OxfordBags · 22/04/2012 17:19

I think its very telling that people are presuming that the OP is a SAHM, and even then, they think her DH is being an arse who isn't pulling his weight.

ledkr · 22/04/2012 17:25

He may be an academic but he doesnt sound very intelligent if he thinks that taking out his cup will tire him out before his 9 hour shift.

izzyizin · 22/04/2012 17:44

Way to go, chullah - can't wait to hear to what he makes himself for supper

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2012 17:46

I hate the fact he plays the big fighter for equality at work and can't even put a bloody cup in the dishwasher at home.

You're living in another country to your family, OP? Are you happy in that country?

I agree with you about something dying inside every time you're disrespected. I can only tell you how I felt when I ended my marriage - I felt like I was on holiday, carefree and unburdened.

Nobhead · 22/04/2012 17:58

I am going through something very similar myself at the moment, this thread has really struck a huge chord with me. This has been going on for over 3 years now and we argue about it every few weeks and it all gets swept under the carpet. We never have sex which he constantly reminds me of but I don't really want to have sex with someone who has so little respect for me and seemingly doesn't give 2 shits. We had a huge row yesterday just before his parents came up for the weekend. They have gone home now but we are going to be having a very long chat tonight about it all. I think he's shitting himself now because he thinks I'm going to leave, he has made a couple of comments in passing \bout how he would devastated if I took DS away from him. I won't be backing down tonight- ultimatum time. Wish me luck.

Nobhead · 22/04/2012 18:10

Oh and he (and I) would like another child which he keeps reminding me we need to have sex to achieve but I can't bring myself to have sex with someone who doesn't give a shit about me and his only interaction in the evenings is when he shows me something he or someone else has tweeted. I also am reluctant to have another child with someone who already uses the fact I only work 30 hours and he works 37 as a reason for me to do everything (annd I do mean everything around the house) becuase "I have a day off". He's behaving like a cunt and tonight he is getting told so- I have never let fully rip on him yet but I will be tonight as I have reached the end of my rope.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2012 18:18

good luck, NH

I presume he is the nobhead ?

I wouldn't have another child with someone who couldn't be arsed to treat me with respect, tbh

I would dump him and find a proper partner to procreate with

tell him that

chullah · 22/04/2012 18:18

Nobhead - don't even go there with the twitter, talk about annoying.

Good luck, you are me in another 6 months.

What's betting he doesn't sit and take it?

Xxx

chullah · 22/04/2012 18:20

Izzyizin - he is currently in the kitchen and I can hear the freezer being rifled through - shocker

Mind you, conveniently it's dd1 and 2 bath time - good timing

izzyizin · 22/04/2012 18:27

May I suggest a temporary indisposition that requires you to lie down immediately, chullah?

The shock of the freezer being opened has obviously caused you to feel lightheaded and in urgent need of horizontal recuperation. Shame you won't be able to bathe the dc tonight

Nobhead · 22/04/2012 18:29

Oh he won't take it- never does and somehow manages to manipulate it and flip it round to it being my fault funny how they manage to do that isn'tit. He said he has stuff he wants to say too so I am interesting in hearing what his take on all this is. I too have written a list of stuff I want to change which I keep inan old purse. Ironically enough I found an old list of pro's and con's I had made in Nov 2010 in the same purse of stuff I hated about our relatyionship- suprise suprise a lot of the stuff on there is still an issue.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2012 18:31

eww, why stay with him ?

what is the point ?

MissMilliment · 22/04/2012 18:44

Been there, done it, left him when I was pregnant with DC2. Life with a child and a newborn was so much easier than life with a child and a lazy entitled man who had very high standards of housework and yet no intention of doing anything to maintain them - it was all down to me.

I haven't looked back, but it took me a decade of tying myself up in knots trying to please him (in all kinds of ways, not just with the housework) before I finally decided enough was enough.

I know how scary and difficult it is to take action. I also know how bloody fantastic it is when you do and you can look back on how things were and how they are now.

Wishing you strength, OP.

ledkr · 22/04/2012 18:56

op keep us updated how he deals with the sudden lack of a servant

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/04/2012 19:13

Wishing you strength NH (can't bring myself to call you nobhead!!) and chullah

chullah · 22/04/2012 21:57

As I retire for the evening, just thought i'd add - guess which lazy sod hasn't any clean work pants for the morning

ledkr · 22/04/2012 22:02

you can sleep with a smile on your face now haha

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