Mil issues, family time etc going mad here

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

I will try and make sense of what I want to say. We live in UK but I'm not from here, therefore none of my relatives are around. Dh is local and has mil, pil (long time divorced) and a sil with bil and 2 dn. He also has a db we don't see as they don't get on. Added to this are aunts/ uncles / cousins.

I'm getting really fed up that most of our weekend time is being taken up seeing his family. Over Easter, we saw someone for at least a few hours every day of the four days off. Dh works manic hours and it feels like we never have any time just us.

Mil is the biggest issue. We have a history but are polite and pleasant to each other. I will need really trust her due to past issues. I also have nothing to say to her. She has no opinions, hobbies, interests etc any conversation I start is one sided. She isn't being rude, she is just dull. Sorry if that's harsh. I find being on her company mind numbing.

She visits most wednesdays and every saturday afternoon. Dh is at work Wednesdays so it's just me and the dc. On a Saturday dh is here and will either work because she is here to help with the dc or will sit with her drinking tea and eating biscuits. She will expect lunch and dinner.

This is long, and probably boring. Sorry. I tried to tell dh that I'm struggling with us not having time to ourselves and he says she is great with the kids (true) and she helps out so we can have the odd night away (also true).

Am I being awful? I just want to scream with the frustration of it all

But how does that get them family time?

I have a similar-ish situation myself do can definitely empathise. It has improved with time, mainly because the dc almost always visit MIL at her house, which has led to fresh problems but at least I don't have to spend as much time with her. I would definitely find a way of absenting myself on the Saturday, join a yoga class or go shopping with a friend for 2-3 hours. My dh also had a habit of disappearing off to the study/garage/garden whenever MIL visited, leaving me alone to endure her sly digs and gossip. When I started making sure I was out when she visited and dh was left on his own with her for extended periods he started to feel as irritated with her as I always had!

My dh couldn't stay in the same room with MIL for more than 5 mins without wanting to strangle her, so his ingenious response was the same as cornflowers' dh - how could I possibly find her difficult, when everyone knew how lovely she was? OK, he couldn't stand her but that was different, wasn't it?

I started a course with the OU and when she turned up (whenever she felt like it, with no notice) I'd disappear to study. Sometimes (often) that meant I went to a cafe. Bliss. DH soon took away the key he'd given her, and insisted she phone first, and started saying no. She still came round often enough though, but nothing like it had been.

Because I was studying, they all took it more seriously, unlike a 'mere' shopping spree or time with friends. Studying was a means to an end and - importantly no fun - in their eyes, and therefore allowable.

While I agree you shouldn't have to always be out to stop seeing your MIL, short of telling you straight out you don't want her around, this is a good way of breaking the habit - for her, and for your DH and DCs. As others have said, your MIL needs to get in the habit of calling to check.

also, he can't slop off to his room to work/play - you need to start making plans on the Saturdays she is coming over like "hair do" on that afternoon so it's DH and his mother, he can avoid facing up to how 'hard work' she is.

Cornflowers has explained my reasons nicely! Also, as the mum of young dc a bit of time alone is valuable. It will also soothe your resentment if you experience her less. Family stuff on Sun.

Yes, I could head out for a couple of hours on the odd Wednesday we are free in the afternoon

Going to make a plan early this week for Saturday coming. It helps to know that I an not being unreasonable, if you pardon the phrasing

Would it help to invite other friends round on the Saturday sessions? She'll be sidelined, but you don't have to actively cancel her visit. Your dc's can play with their friends, you can chat to their parents, and your dh can entertain his mum. A few Saturdays like that and she might be less keen to come!

Fish, only talking from experience here but when I have tried to break the cycle PIL always pick it up again the following week. In their minds it is part of their weekly routine. . . food shopping on Tues, see DGC on Weds and Sunday etc. Unless we could be out from first thing until DC's bedtime, they will call round.

DH is trying to keep everyone happy, doesn't want to tell his DP's to back off, doesn't really see it as a problem. . . if we are at home anyway on a Sunday why not let them come over type of thing.

Good luck though, wish I could be more help. I can completely relate to your problem and hope some of the suggestions on here work for you.