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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mil issues, family time etc going mad here

58 replies

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 21/04/2012 16:23

I will try and make sense of what I want to say. We live in UK but I'm not from here, therefore none of my relatives are around. Dh is local and has mil, pil (long time divorced) and a sil with bil and 2 dn. He also has a db we don't see as they don't get on. Added to this are aunts/ uncles / cousins.

I'm getting really fed up that most of our weekend time is being taken up seeing his family. Over Easter, we saw someone for at least a few hours every day of the four days off. Dh works manic hours and it feels like we never have any time just us.

Mil is the biggest issue. We have a history but are polite and pleasant to each other. I will need really trust her due to past issues. I also have nothing to say to her. She has no opinions, hobbies, interests etc any conversation I start is one sided. She isn't being rude, she is just dull. Sorry if that's harsh. I find being on her company mind numbing.

She visits most wednesdays and every saturday afternoon. Dh is at work Wednesdays so it's just me and the dc. On a Saturday dh is here and will either work because she is here to help with the dc or will sit with her drinking tea and eating biscuits. She will expect lunch and dinner.

This is long, and probably boring. Sorry. I tried to tell dh that I'm struggling with us not having time to ourselves and he says she is great with the kids (true) and she helps out so we can have the odd night away (also true).

Am I being awful? I just want to scream with the frustration of it all

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 21/04/2012 20:51

I would ask him would he find it ok for you to let your mother have a key and just turn up one day, every day for the foreseeable future when it was just him and the children in?

I doubt he would like that at all, so why is ok to force you to see someone you do not like twice a week?
At least if he is there, you can go out or enjoy yourself, and they get some mother, son time together etc.
Infact op, just go out and stay out on wednesday, have dinner out as well with your children, and if he causes a stink let him know this is how it will be if he won't respect what you want to do with your time.

diddl · 21/04/2012 20:57

What time does your husband get home on a weds?

Could it work that she has an hr with you/the children before he gets in & then an hr with him iyswim?

My ILs would never visit just me & the children in the week & wait to see husband after work.

They only ever wanted to visit when husband was there for the whole visit.

So it happened every third Sat or Sun-that was as much of his weekend that he would give up.

If she must visit every saturday-will he not limit it to an hr or two?

Original poster
Fisharefriendsnotfood · 21/04/2012 21:08

She leaves on a Wednesday before he gets back from work cause she is involved in a church youth thing Wednesday evenings.

If we suggested she leave after an hour or two on a Saturday it would cause war. She stays till the kids are asleep, so around 8pm every Saturday night.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/04/2012 21:12

Was just looking to see if there was a compromise somewhere.

The Saturday thing is ridiculous.

Does he never want to go out for the day as a family?

Original poster
Fisharefriendsnotfood · 21/04/2012 21:14

No. But when I brought that up today he said if we want to do something he will tell her we can't see her, where as I would prefer it wasn't the default setting iykwim

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 21/04/2012 21:15

On the saturdays you do see her (which won't be everyone from now onwards) could you get DH to call her and say you'll be out near her house and will call in to her house on your way back, the you can decide the end time as you have to be back for the DC's tea/bath/bed time. Put yourselves in control of the visit a little - if you do every other saturday out, then alternative saturdays at her house you'll be down to 1 Saturday a month she's at yours.

diddl · 21/04/2012 21:16

Well if he would do it then I´d give it a try.

Original poster
Fisharefriendsnotfood · 21/04/2012 21:28

Thanks everyone Smile I feel better for getting it off my chest

OP posts:
MoonlightandRoses · 21/04/2012 21:29

It is wearing having someone around who is like your MIL. While it's frustrating to have the default setting 'MIL is visiting' hopefully you will be able to up the number of week-ends with things planned until this changes. If it's been going on for years, the change can't happen overnight. Also, go with LydiaWickham's

You mention that leaving DCs with her means she's 'doing you a favour'.
Why not switch this round on her? It might help reduce / remove the twice weekly visit.
Assuming she is only visiting to see the children, not her son or you, then maybe call her (weekly for a short while) with - 'MIL, we know you love to see the kids, so we'll drop them off with you on whatever day(s) suit(s) you next week - just let us know date(s), drop off and pick up time...' Framing it that way means she has to ask, not offer, to take them, so the favour is suddenly all at your end Wink.

MoonlightandRoses · 21/04/2012 21:29

Oops - end of first para should have '...suggestion.' on it

Original poster
Fisharefriendsnotfood · 21/04/2012 21:35

The dc can't go to her house because it's not safe. It's an old farmhouse that is literally falling down around her and her dp and a death trap. She doesn't really have anyone visit. The problem is she is lonely and unhappy and our dc relieve that for her. Which is great, but it's just too much. Going to work on cutting down the time, making more plans for the 4 of us and standing up to her more.

OP posts:
MoonlightandRoses · 21/04/2012 22:10

That's such a shame - are there any 'family-friendly' places she could take them regularly? Either free or you could fund?

Good luck with the cutting down on time and, when there are times the pace of that is frustratingly slow (and there will be), just remember you will get the change through in the end.

TooEasilyTempted · 21/04/2012 22:20

I don't think you should have to plan to go out in order to not have your MIL round... What if you wanted a Saturday to just chill out at home? You shouldn't need to leave your house in order to escape a visit.

So I think firm and clear is the way to go. Call your MIL on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and simply say "hi MIL, just calling to say we aren't available this afternoon, we have plans, so we'll see you on [insert day here] instead". If she questions you about your plans be vague - you're meeting friends in town/having a mate over for coffee/toddler group/swimming/etc.

diddl · 22/04/2012 09:27

"I don't think you should have to plan to go out in order to not have your MIL round.."

I agree.

But-it might be an easy way to "kill two birds with one stone"-ie get husband out with family (which OP wants to do) & wean MIL off spending all of Saturday there.

nomorebuffalo · 22/04/2012 10:18

Fisharefriends I really feel for you. I have a similar situation with my IL's and it completely does my head in. PIL's make sure they see my dc's twice a week, (once midweek when DH is at work, the other every Sunday) and it has caused no end of trouble between DH and I. Its a routine on their terms that has been forced on me and I am currently trying to find ways to break it. I've tried being out/screening calls but they will turn up when they know DC's will be in (early morning/tea time/bath time. . . whenever suits them). This isn't about me expecting them to never see their DGC's but surely the same days every single week, in your home is just too much.

No advice to offer, sorry, just complete understanding of your situation. It totally wears you down having to spend time with people you wouldn't really choose week in, week out.

Original poster
Fisharefriendsnotfood · 22/04/2012 11:06

Does your dh know how you feel nomore keep me posted as to how you get on. Smile

OP posts:
Rollersara · 22/04/2012 11:20

The Wednesday thing would drive me insane, this visit is obviously for her, not your DC or DP! My sister, who I get on very well with, recently said as her work hours are changing she could take Wednesdays off every week and come over to me "as a regular thing" and I'm trying to find a polite way to say no. We go to regular classes on a Wednesday, but also I value just being able to my own thing and I'm an unsociable bitch.

Are there any classes near you that you just have to go to every Wednesday?!

Original poster
Fisharefriendsnotfood · 22/04/2012 12:09

I have a feeling there just might be roller

if I look hard enough

OP posts:
clam · 22/04/2012 12:27

Well for an absolute start I would be inventing arranging something for Wednesday afternoons!
Saturdays will take more work, I think, but you can tell your dh that if his mother is around, he is NOT to slope off to his computer, work or not. Then gradually start going out more and more on Saturday afternoons, so that the default setting of her coming round is disrupted.
Once you feel more in control of your life, then you might be able to tolerate her a little better.

dreamingbohemian · 22/04/2012 12:46

Okay I'm going to be a bit of a devil's advocate here...

It does sound like your MIL is a bloody nightmare and I'm sorry you have to be dealing with this.

But looking at the broader picture, it sounds like you are kind of the only one unhappy with the current arrangements. Your MIL is happy -- and it sounds a bit like it's not a controlling thing, you said she's lonely and this is one source of happiness for her. Your DH is okay with things, and while that must be frustrating for you it should be acknowledged. It sounds like your DC really like her. You do get free babysitting out of it too.

This doesn't mean that you have to be miserable, but I think it does mean a more conciliatory approach on your end -- go for gradual adjustments. There have been some good suggestions here.

I would make plans for yourself every Wednesday and let her babysit the DC. So what if it means she's doing you a favour? Try to ignore that bit and take advantage of some time for yourself.

And if your DH is willing to tell her you have plans on a Saturday, then take him up on that. Let it become the default over time.

And I don't blame your DH for being upset that you said you don't like his mother. Where I come from, and in many cultures, that is absolutely the worst thing you can ever say to someone, no matter how awful the woman is.

It's a terrible situation for you, and it needs to change, but I do think a slightly more positive approach to it will get you further.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/04/2012 12:53

Have you tried "You love your mum more than you love me! You want her to be happy more than you want me to be happy! You don't care how I feel" accompanied hormonal pg tears?

But I agree with the 'softly softly' approach with your MIL. Have plans every other Wednesday, and use the ones in between to "have a lie-down, pg is so tiring". Have plans for Sat lunch or tea to reduce the length of the visit. Gradually get her to the point where she needs to check whether this Wed/Sat is free.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/04/2012 13:09

Or, tell him your mum is coming to visit for a month. Tell him he'll need to cancel his mum's visits that month - it's only fair that your mum gets the gcs to herself. And he'll need to take, say, 8 days off work during that time, to spend with your mum (you'll be busy, you see). If he objects, look hurt and say he clearly doesn't like your mum.

I'm thinking, gradual change with your MIL, and no-holds-barred with your dh. He is being selfish.

Have you got a friend who'd come over for Sunday lunch, and stay for tea? And follow your dh around the whole time, chatting about the weather? That would help, especially when you tell dh the friend is coming every Sunday cos he/she is lonely. Oh and Tuesday evenings too, although you're going to Zumba on Tuesday evenings but you know dh won't mind, you do it for his mum after all...

nomorebuffalo · 22/04/2012 16:39

Hi Fisharefriendsnotfood, yes DH knows how I feel. It's the one arguement we keep on having and getting nowhere with. I just want to break the cycle of PIL's coming over every Wed afternoon and Sunday morning, every week without fail. He doesn't want to hurt their feelings, neither do I, but I didn't agree to this arrangement. It's not just the PIL but DH's brothers and sister also call round every Saturday, every week Angry

Honestly it's a nightmare and you have my full sympathy.

Jux · 22/04/2012 16:59

Take the kids away every other weekend. This is life-enhancing stuff, and they're only at this sort of receptive stage for a short while.

Born2BRiiiled · 22/04/2012 17:10

How about you leave him, MIL and the Dc to it on a Sat pm? I'd be off like a shot. If your DH USthere, she's not doing you a favour. On Wedded, be busy every other week as a start. You aren't rejecting her completely then, but are taking a bit of control back.