Can a relationship make you happy?

[tiptop2]

I know this sounds a bit obvious but I'm really wondering if you need to make yourself happy before you have a healthy relationship or can a relationship actually make you much happier?

I've recently split up with someone and the main reason was I just didn't think we were making each other happy - nothing bad, no red flags on his side of anything like that - he was actually lovely, a good catch but just something wasn't quite right. I'm wondering whether it's because I'm not that happy in general with my job, family etc. I have a massive wave of relief since splitting up and feel better already but it's early days and maybe the sadness/loss of relationship will come later.

I'm just worried that I've given up a good relationship, not because 'it' wasn't right but I wasn't right.

In my mind I think if the right relationship comes along it will just make me a happier person naturally iyswim.

Just wondering if anyone out there has been a bit unhappy and a relationship has made them alot happier and content in life?

I would say yes and no. Yes, in the sense that it can make your life more fun, interesting, fulfilling and meaningful if you have a partner to share it with. But no in the sense that if you are generally unhappy with yourself and your circumstances a relationship won't solve that.

Hello tiptop
I have a post on here. I wrote last night.
Iv been here and learnt soooooo much. For me I feel It was me that wasnt happy with me but had to end my marriage to find me.

thanks - what's your post title happy?

Yes I think you're right that I need to work on 'me'. I tried to do this within the relationship - went to counselling, took up extra activities etc but it just didn't seem to make a difference to how I was feeling. Infact I felt a bit depressed and since breaking up with him I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder...how long for, only time will tell I guess.

I just want to be able to have a relationship that doesn't feel like hard work!

In what way was the relationship hard work tiptop?

Its titled 'Is this normal'
I know exactly how your feeling. I think every relationship needs a little hard work at times, people give up way too easily on eachother.

Sorry its titled 'Whats normal' :s

Thanks - found it happy - sounds very similar to what I've been experiencing

The hardwork part is the part where I have tried to work on myself to improve the relationship. For example, when things started to irritate me about him (some little - tidying up, some bigger - feeling like we didn't share same sense of humour) I would build them into quite a negative though process. I tried different ways to not get irritated/let it go/not just see the negative...but it felt really hard doing this. It's like the longer I was in the relationship, the more I saw his 'bad' points, not his good points.

I didn't naturally want to do loving things for him and found that hard to deal with. I desperately wanted to becuase he is a 'good' person, my friends and family adored him and he treated me with respect and love. I just couldn't do the same for him and the guilt of this made it unbearable for me.

From the little you've said tiptop it sounds like he was a good guy on paper but you just didn't click with him. Not having the same sense of humour is quite a big deal in my book - you have to be able to joke with someone to really get along with them IMO. You can't force yourself to love someone, and trying will only drive you nuts.

The former.

But a bad relationship can make you very unhappy indeed.

You need to be able to bring to the new relationship a positive outlook, a settled mind, and preferably to have ironed out alot of your own failings, tendencies, anxieties etc- ie not to bring too much baggage.

It is instructive that mental health professionals eg counsellors have to be counselled themselves in their training, in order to avoid projecting etc.

I agree with Cailin, it doesn't sound like you were in love with him.

There are loads of lovely guys out there, but it doesn't matter how nice or sweet or good they are - if you don't have the spark thing you can't manufacture it.

And it will feel like hard work, and that's no way to live your life. The whole point of being with someone is that it allows you to be happy - that's different from making you happy,

you need to be yourself, that includes happy stuff and unhappy stuff naturally, but if the other person makes things more difficult in any way, for instance by having demands that you find hard to cope with - even if they're not bad things as such - then it's usually not worth it.

If you find it easy, that your life is not harder but just sort of fits around the person, really well - then it's good.

I don't mean find someone convenient either.

When you meet someone you really love, it will be like the easiest thing in the world - you'll want to do things for them, it won't feel like a hassle, it'll be a pleasure. You'll probably feel like it's really important for you to do things for them, that your day won't be complete if you haven't done something to make them happy, or been with them, spent time together, shared something.

Love should not feel like hard work. I think that's a myth. Yes it requires work, of course it does and especially anything long term - but the point is it should be work you enjoy iyswim. Work you want to do because it means you get to keep this person in your life, and that feels so wonderful.

I think a person can make you happy within reason, like a friend can, a stranger in the street, a child, a family member. Anyone can in certain ways. But they won't change you from who you are.

Well said Flightty.

Yeah I thinks that's true Cailin -I just wanted it to work so badly because I'm at that stage in my life that I want a proper, settled relationship and thought that I could have it with him..I've had some not great boyfriends in the past and he was lovely to me and I loved that initially but as time went on, I started to realised that perhaps we weren't actually that suited in terms of the click factor.

I'm hoping this is the case, and I just hope I've sacrificed something good for something better in the future..only time will tell I guess

Oh this is how I was.
Do you know what thankyou CailinDana it really is that simple isnt it. Some people just arnt compatible no matter how much you try :)

sorry hadn't read your post flighty- you make sense and make me feel better because I really want to feel that I'm in the right relationship..not trying to fit a square peg into a round hole just becuase I really want a relationship.

I just really hope I find someone I feel like that with, and more importantly they feel like that about me!!

I think it's worth holding out for, tiptop, definitely. I would never advise someone to hang onto an "ok" relationship because the benefit of having a great relationship is really worth the (relatively small) risk that you won't find it.

Oh I know where you are, I really do. I tried and tried with loads of people I thought might be compatible, you know, they like the same films, laugh ta the same stuff, are sexy, whatever it is...and found that however hard I, or we tried, if it wasn't there right from the start it just never came.

I'm new to being properly in love and so I'm not an expert...and I might have it all wrong! - but when i met DP I just felt close to him straight away, and wanted to be around him as much as possible and still do, every day. And we have a mutual acceptance that I have not had with anyone else for a long time - it's easy.

I think sometimes it's a good thing to tell yourself that actually, you can go looking for someone to have that relationship with but until it comes along and whacks you round the head (so to speak - please avoid actual violent approaches from men, however good looking ) you can't make it happen.

iyswim

depressing in a way, but then, you can always fill that time beforehand with great friendships and maybe some close relationships and get in some practise and so on...just know that when it happens it will just happen to you, and there won't be a thing you can do about it.

and fwiw DP in't someone I'd have thought compatible - well he isn't in certain ways - but it doesn't matter, for some reason.

He's not what I was looking for, but once he turned up, I realised I'd been looking for him the whole time.

Again, well said Flightty. I agree with her take on things, it was very much the same for me when I met my DH.

Flightty.. you are very good with words :) this has helped me too. Glad you have found your happy ever after :)

Well we will see but thankyou for the compliments.

Personally speaking, I tend to be quite happy as standard and have to watch out for miserable 'Dementor' boyfriends that exploit my up-beat personality and expect me to solve their pathetic problems. Be happy in yourself and a good relationship will enhance it. If you ever find yourself wondering 'am I happy?'... you're probably not.

oh I want what you guys have!!!!

I really want mr lovely and great to turn up soon...i'm mid 30s now and I miss him (even though I haven't actually met him yet!!)

Ok well thank you ladies...you have restored my faith that I will find someone right for me. I just hope he doesn't take too long in turning up.

In meantime, I'm going to make a pact with myself to make my life as active and fulfilling as possible...and to stop going out with men that I know aren't right for the start... I'm going to have to be strict with myself on this..I tend to get swept up in the beginnings of the relationship and then let it go on too long.

Wish me luck ladies and if he turns up I'll make sure I tell everyone on lovely MN!!

A relationship with a significant other can make you happy but it isn't desirable or healthy to look to derive all of your happiness from that one relationship.

If a relationship enhances your life it's worth having but if it doesn't make you feel good about yourself, you're best off out of it.

Good luck tiptop. I definitely think if you're happy in yourself, living the life you want, the chances of meeting a great person are high. You will know him when you meet him. When I met my DH I definitely felt a sense of relief - a feeling that I could stop looking and that all was well. It was a great feeling. We're together 10 years now and I love him more than ever. I wish the same for you :)

Good luck

I'm 38...you've no need to panic yet. I didn't even do dating or look online or anything. He just literally fell into my lap, well, you know what I mean.