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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

help me understand him?

41 replies

NiffNaffAndTriv · 20/04/2012 08:52

Hi all,
Apologies for rambling.
DH and I have been happily married for 6 years. DD1 is almost 4, DD2 is just 1. After DD1 came along, naturally things changed in the relationship to accommodate a LO. I felt we dealt with it well, DH feels he struggled to adjust. But we got over it and were very happy. DD2 was born last year, and then DH was taken away from us for months with work. We didn't see him from when DD2 was 20 weeks until well past her reaching 9 months.

We all missed him dearly, and I couldn't wait for him to get back. When he returned he had missed so much of the girls changing and growing that it took him quite a while to adjust, but slowly he became more his usual self and I thought he was adapting well.

Recently I've noticed he's not so loving towards me, snappy and grumpy. We haven't had sex in about 4-5 weeks and before that it was not frequent at all. I've tried to be more loving towards him in an attempt to encourage him, but he just clams up.

He wouldn't discuss it at all and whenever I asked him if there was anything wrong he just said he was tired.

It all came to a head 2 nights ago when he'd been snapping at me for ridiculously silly things and I told him he needed to sort his temper out. I left him in the bedroom and sat down stairs thinking things over. An hour later when I went upstairs, DD2 woke up as I was cleaning my teeth so I asked him to go in and settle her. Well that was it he just lost it completely. He got really annoyed at me and begrudgingly went and settled her.

This was the last straw and when he came back in the bedroom I was in floods of tears and told him that this was by far the most unhappy I'd ever been. I told him I didn't understand him and why he's being so horrible to me. He said we needed to talk.

He came home from work yesterday and we spent the whole evening talking. He says that he felt really odd when he came home from working away. That he loves me and still finds me attractive. He still wants to be in this marriage, but is struggling to remember how to be around me. He has no sex drive and doesn't understand it himself.

I asked him if he feels that he may be depressed but he said no. He's happy in himself and enjoys spending time with the girls. Enjoys his work. But it's appears to be me. I don't get it.

I'm not even sure I'm relieved he actually decided to talk to me. Now I know what he's been thinking I'm so upset. What the hell is happening to him?
I've asked him if he would go and have some sort of counselling. He said he would look into it.

I'm so confused now.

OP posts:

YonWhaleFish · 20/04/2012 09:00

He's lying about something is my instinct. But that's purely from reading your post, remember I don't know you or him at all. Could there have been another woman?

YonWhaleFish · 20/04/2012 09:00

He's lying about something is my instinct. But that's purely from reading your post, remember I don't know you or him at all. Could there have been another woman?

Original poster

NiffNaffAndTriv · 20/04/2012 09:03

I've asked him to be totally honest. He says there's nothing else to tell me. He is a very caring, trustworthy person. I just don't get it. He assures me he hasn't met anyone else. That the thought never crossed his mind. That he is in love with me.

He was crying loads last night, he said he hasn't spoken about it before because he doesn't understand himself and he knew it would upset me.

He's been frightened to talk I think.

OP posts:

YonWhaleFish · 20/04/2012 09:06

Aw love I wish I had advice for you! have you tried the relationships board?

YonWhaleFish · 20/04/2012 09:06

Aw love I wish I had advice for you! have you tried the relationships board?

Original poster

NiffNaffAndTriv · 20/04/2012 09:11

I'll re post there. Thanks

OP posts:

ovaltine · 20/04/2012 09:17

i think you should make an appointment with your Dr for the both of you

to be honest i reckon he been up to something and now feeling guilty about it.

TeWihara · 20/04/2012 09:17

His going away - Is he in the military or in anything else very stressful?

Just wondering if something happened while he was away, and he can't cope with it?

Original poster

NiffNaffAndTriv · 20/04/2012 09:44

I don't know what to think. He is a very honest person. I really believe him when he says he hasn't got anything else he's keeping from me. He is in the military. Not going anywhere else yet. Where he was last time wasn't a dangerous area. Just remote. He said he had real trouble adjusting to being alone without us while he was there.
Met some other dad's in the same situation and found that it helped talking to them but when they all left because they were going home he was the only dad out of his friends he had left out there and he struggled.

OP posts:

TeWihara · 20/04/2012 10:15

There is a military partners section here might be worth asking what they think?

Even if he has not been in danger being on tour can be very strange and stressful and it sounds like he is having difficult coping.

Original poster

NiffNaffAndTriv · 20/04/2012 12:37

I worry that if he doesn't deal with this now, that next time he goes it's going to happen all over again. I really want him to seek help. I am willing to go with him to see someone if he wants me to. I just have a hard time knowing he doesn't know how to view me and where I fit into the relationship. Despite the fact that he is adamant that he still loves me and wants to work at the marriage.

OP posts:

TeWihara · 20/04/2012 13:03

I imagine it's quite hard for him to admit he needs help. Have you suggested counselling/trip to the GP together?

PS I have asked HQ to move this to forces sweethearts NiffNaff, as the posters there are very likely to have been through similar and know the best way to help.

paulrn · 20/04/2012 13:47

Its hard to be away and sometimes harder when you get home. A long boring tour can be worse the mind has time to worry and over analyse things. Also the home coming can be a major let down it is never the way you imagine it. You expect it to be all wonderful and then life gets in the way your other half has her own routines and the kids have just got used to you being away. He needs to talk it through without you to begin with as he will not express himself well and will not want to say somethings. If he can talk to a mate then sometimes that will do it. Good luck

Original poster

NiffNaffAndTriv · 20/04/2012 16:21

paulrn he mentioned last night that he was worried about what it was going to be like when he came home because he realised when he was away how much he had adjusted to being alone.
He keeps saying that he just feels he's lost his get up and go when go the home environment?! He's very driven at work and active. He exercises regularly and works hard. He goes out with his friends about once a fortnight, which I've encouraged because he was worried that he was leaving me alone in the evenings.
All aspects of his life are fine and well balanced apart from his home life. I've never come across such a thing before. It's almost like he's forgotten how to be a husband. I know to some people that don't know him it would point towards having an affair, but it's really really not his style. He was visibly shaken last night when I said I suspected it. And he even asked me whether I still love him because he was worried I'd move on if he didn't sort himself out soon.
I'm so confused and sad for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

NiffNaffAndTriv · 20/04/2012 20:25

Bump.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 20/04/2012 20:29

I think it does sound like a type of depression.

For what it's worth, I don't think he is having an affair. I could be wrong but it's not what my instincts tell me.

I suspect he actually feels guilty about having to leave you for so long.

Would he go to the gp to talk about it?

Original poster

NiffNaffAndTriv · 20/04/2012 20:55

I'm hoping that's what he'll do. He says he will. But I'm not convinced he'll have the courage to go and admit it on his own. But I also don't want to offer to go with him and take over. I have a habit of doing that. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 20/04/2012 21:05

Can you go with him and bite your lip?
Or let him go into the doctor lone and stay in the waiting room?

I really feel for both of you, the hard thing is, the way he is feeling makes him act in a way which makes you feel like rubbish, but you need to try to be strong to get it sorted.

(((hugs))) to you.

Original poster

NiffNaffAndTriv · 20/04/2012 21:09

Thanks so much. Yeah the whole thing has completely knocked the wind out of me. He says he loves me, wants me, wants the marriage, but he says he feels he doesn't want a physical relationship. He used to be so loving and touchy feely. Now he barely comes near me. I can't help but take it personally.
He can't relate to me.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 20/04/2012 21:13

If you google nhs depression there is a page with a good list of symptoms, see if some of them sound right.

I can't post links sorry.

Do you have good support from friends and family?

Original poster

NiffNaffAndTriv · 20/04/2012 21:22

Our families both live over four hours away. Gotta love military life. [Hmm] my friends are supportive, his are dotted around the UK due to re posting. It's difficult. I'm close with one of his friends in such a way that I could ask him to step in and be there for him? Do you think that's interfering?

OP posts:

rhondajean · 20/04/2012 21:24

I think it would be okay to tell him DH is having a rough time, and maybe ask if he would talk with him if you think they have that sort of relationship.

You need some support for you too, that's what I was thinking of. At this point DH has you - do you have someone??

RandomMess · 20/04/2012 21:27

I wonder if he developed coping mechanisms whilst he was away to not get depressed through missing you but now he's back he can't undo them?

Original poster

NiffNaffAndTriv · 20/04/2012 21:38

I was thinking along those lines, but didn't actually put it into those words. You could be on to something. It's almost like he doesn't know me. He says he finds it strange how he used to look forward so much to see me, but now he doesn't see me like that. It's like he forgot I existed subconsciously in order to deal with how he missed us.

He's a real home bird and misses his family every day. If he could move back to our home county right now he would. Without hesitating.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 20/04/2012 21:46

I too have developed a coping mechanism that I haven't yet able to get rid of, it's very difficult.

Perhaps some couples therapy would help? Or just therapy for him? Perhaps he needs to actually talk about how he felt when he was missing you?

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