help me understand him?

[NiffNaffAndTriv]

Hi all,
Apologies for rambling.
DH and I have been happily married for 6 years. DD1 is almost 4, DD2 is just 1. After DD1 came along, naturally things changed in the relationship to accommodate a LO. I felt we dealt with it well, DH feels he struggled to adjust. But we got over it and were very happy. DD2 was born last year, and then DH was taken away from us for months with work. We didn't see him from when DD2 was 20 weeks until well past her reaching 9 months.

We all missed him dearly, and I couldn't wait for him to get back. When he returned he had missed so much of the girls changing and growing that it took him quite a while to adjust, but slowly he became more his usual self and I thought he was adapting well.

Recently I've noticed he's not so loving towards me, snappy and grumpy. We haven't had sex in about 4-5 weeks and before that it was not frequent at all. I've tried to be more loving towards him in an attempt to encourage him, but he just clams up.

He wouldn't discuss it at all and whenever I asked him if there was anything wrong he just said he was tired.

It all came to a head 2 nights ago when he'd been snapping at me for ridiculously silly things and I told him he needed to sort his temper out. I left him in the bedroom and sat down stairs thinking things over. An hour later when I went upstairs, DD2 woke up as I was cleaning my teeth so I asked him to go in and settle her. Well that was it he just lost it completely. He got really annoyed at me and begrudgingly went and settled her.

This was the last straw and when he came back in the bedroom I was in floods of tears and told him that this was by far the most unhappy I'd ever been. I told him I didn't understand him and why he's being so horrible to me. He said we needed to talk.

He came home from work yesterday and we spent the whole evening talking. He says that he felt really odd when he came home from working away. That he loves me and still finds me attractive. He still wants to be in this marriage, but is struggling to remember how to be around me. He has no sex drive and doesn't understand it himself.

I asked him if he feels that he may be depressed but he said no. He's happy in himself and enjoys spending time with the girls. Enjoys his work. But it's appears to be me. I don't get it.

I'm not even sure I'm relieved he actually decided to talk to me. Now I know what he's been thinking I'm so upset. What the hell is happening to him?
I've asked him if he would go and have some sort of counselling. He said he would look into it.

I'm so confused now.

I guess so.

He's just gone to bed. He kissed me on the head. That made me break down. I can't get used to how he relates to me.

I guess I must have deep rooted emotions about how the kids now take priority and it's no longer just me he spends his waking moments thinking about. It's selfish but I feel like I've been tricked out of a special "honeymoon" period that I thought we were going to get when he first returned from his tour. I expected it to be all lovely and happy. Instead I got distance and strange behaviour.

I feel like I'm making it worse because all I want to do know that he's finally talking to me about it is talk some more. I've had such a long period of silence where I was left to guess what was going through his mind. I had convinced myself that he's met someone, or that I was not attractive anymore.

Hi OP

My DH is not in the military, but a few years ago when DS1 was 2 and DD was newborn he was working very long hours, often getting home after I'd gone to bed, for a period of several months. Then his department recruited a couple of new people to ease the burden and life suddenly went back to normal - I was so pleased, as it had quite been tough for me. Except we'd kind of forgotten how normal was for us. I was used to doing my own thing in the evening and had got out of the habit of accommodating someone else. He wasn't used to the day to day niggles of looking after a couple of young kids and found the bathtime / bedtime routine stressful. Our sex life suffered and we felt very distant from each other - I did wonder if we would split.

Then we went on a marriage course which really helped us to start communicating again and talk about what was important to us within a marriage and how to make it happen. We're very happy now and I do think this marriage course helped make a difference for us. Maybe worth a try for you too?

Good luck.

Forgot to say, I did wonder at the time if my DH was having an affair, but I thought he was not that type of man and with hindsight I am sure he was not.

Thanks Mrs. That post really reassures me. I think he's dealing with things I may never understand.
I just want to help him. I am so frustrated. I thought for a split second yesterday that it was over. The way he was talking made me think he was just delaying coming out with "I was wrong to marry you" or something along those lines.

I really want to go and speak to someone as a couple. I'm keen to let him know that. But I'm aware that I can come across pushy. So I'm going to take my time. But thank you for posting.

Maybe he really just needs the pressure off and slowly readjust?

He may be pressuring himself, btw.

Could you suggest going back to dating?

Planning joint activities, meeting outside as if not living together?

I had thought about that, thanks for the suggestion. Friends of mine have "date nights" and it seems to really work for them.

I am not in the forces but I do travel with work and if I'm away for several days it does feel weird coming back, firstly because DP and DD have got into their own routines and secondly I've just been looking after myself while away.

Now, this in no way compares to your husband's job and your situation, but those feelings of feeling disenfranchised and detached must be similar. It sounds like he is having these feelings in bucketloads and that you both want to try and deal with these together.
I don't get the impression there is somebody else, from what you've said; just struggling to get back to being an affectionate husband

I really appreciate your post gay40. When you say it like that it makes perfect sense.

I think he's really worried because it's been nearly six months since he returned and he has struggled to shake the feelings. I think the issue is magnified by having a small baby just before he went and the changes she went through while he was gone.

I've been very patient with him. Instinct told me something was wrong when he came back, but I don't know whether I could wait another six months. That feels very selfish to admit. I'm wondering whether going to see someone together, or him alone would be best?

You could do both. He may appreciate the time and space to say his own thing without upsetting you and then move onto couples counselling? I genuinely don't know which would work best for you, but the options are there and are not exclusive to each other.

Yeah your right. No reason why we couldn't do both.

I was upset this morning because I really wasn't sure how I should be acting towards him. He said just be normal towards him, but it's easier said than done. I find it so hard to not put my arms around him and kiss him spontaneously. I know there's no reason to stop, I did it before I knew what was wrong. But some how now it feels strange to do it.

I'm really sorry to say this but while I don't think there's necessarily a current alternative relationship, I do think it's possible something happened with someone else while he was away. If he's generally a trustworthy person, it's possible the guilt is eating him up and destroying his sex drive. The anger towards you is so that you won't want sex with him.

Stern: I appreciate your honesty, and realise that what your saying is entirely possible.

The thing about dh that I've learnt over the passed 10 years we've been together is that he cannot stand not telling someone the truth. It eats him up. He just won't lie.
I could be wrong, god I hope I'm not, but he would have confessed by now.

We've talked and talked over the last 3 days and I've asked him face to face and via text several times each whether there's anything he's not telling me.
I actually said that if he has held back something that I later discover after all that's been said, that I would walk. He knows I mean it too. I don't say it lightly, I hope I never have to find out what it feels like to do it. But I always carry through with things I say. He knows how important it is to me that I know exactly what has brought him to these feelings. I really really can't see that he'd lie at this stage. I'm about 99% confident now we've had time to talk over the last few days.
He's made it quite clear that if he didn't love me, or found cause to stray, he wouldn't be here trying to fix things now.

I just have the feeling that it might be something more shameful and horrible than an affair or a ONS with a willing partner, so I'm going to come straight out with it. Has it crossed you mind that he might have been with a prostitute?

No. That hadn't crossed my mind. I've heard stories from his old friends about them all visiting a brothel and him not wanting to go and refusing to stay once they arrived. I just don't think that's it.
Besides, I don't think there are brothels where he was. Very remote area full of penguins... or do you not mean on tour?

No I meant on tour.

I think what is often a complete false trail in these situations is that a lot of people seem to think that infidelity is something only certain types of people engage in. So if someone's a trustworthy person who hates lies and doesn't seem 'the type' (whatever that means) then an affair or indiscretion of some sort is completely ruled out. Yet experience tells us that there is no such thing as a 'type' and infidelity is not a rare occurrence amongst ordinary, nice people.

I also have to say that in my experience, when a man has gone off sex, is distant, is picking fights out of nothing, spends long periods of time away from home and then admits that he's struggling in the relationship, I've only ever known it to be one thing and that's infidelity in some shape or form. Even the nicest people won't admit to something they know is unproveable, because their primary concern is to save their own skin, so don't put too much store on there being no point in him persevering with a lie. He's got a lot to lose.

I take your point. I'll think about what you've said.