I'm numb, sick and on the verg of breaking down

[shockedtohell]

Hi ladies

I've lurked on this site for so long, was always hoping I would never have to post properly but I guess my time has come.

I've been with my DH for 9 years now and have an amazing DS ( 7 months ) things with us have been pretty ok. Not hot abd steamy or honeymoon period but we seemed happy.

Over the past few weeks things have been bugging me, instinct I guess late nights watching tv, or can't sleep so getting up, no history on computer or phone ( odd for someone who is constantly on the net) did some searching abd porn mm ok been there done that same old record. Sick of having same conversation!!!

But then I got stupid and went a little further I logged into his work email and well he's been emailing his ex ( not really a ex to say but someone he had a very heated fling with) she caused us a few problems on the early months of our dating. She even tried to get my fired so she could take over my position!

Any way the emails seem 60% innocent but the rest not so much, talking about past and can you remember! Him calling her babe, xxx ending the messages, him saying he can be and idiot at times but he's always there for here when ever she needs it. Him asking if she's dating! They did mention me in one email but nothing bad!!

But the worst thing is they are talking about my gorgeous baby!!! She's asking to see photos and he's going to sort some out. He's telling her a few things about him! This is killing me the most! His mine I don't want her knowing or seeing him!

Am I just being so stupid????

He knows something is up but I can't tell him as it will
problems and I was snooping but I just want to cry when I look at my boy!!!!

Sorry for long post and spelling :-(

I don't have much time but you sound panic stricken OP.

Firstly try and calm yourself. You have a young DS and he will pick up if he senses your distress.

Now. YOu say things have been bugging you. What exactly? As well as late nights and not sleeping etc has your DH been behaving differently towards you? Is he going places on his own or other stuff like that? When did this start bugging you? How was he about the birth of your DS?
What made you search the phone and internet history?

Tell us a bit more when you feel able to think clearly and you will get some help here.

Could you email her and tell her to back off?

On the positive side, I don't imagine they would be chatting about your baby if they were actually having an affair.

I'm guessing that your DH isn't coping well with all your attention being on the baby and not him, so is getting some attention from her instead. Plonker.

Once you've calmed down, can you have a talk with him about how your relationship is important to you, and you want to have some time for the two of you to enjoy each other's company, but it's difficult right now with the baby, but it will get easier, etc., without mentioning your suspicions.

Gumby I think that's an option for the OP but she doesn't know if her instincts are accurate or not. She has made a discovery but she doesn't know what it means yet. I'd caution against emailing the W at this stage and in any case if it comes to it it'll be for her H to cut off contact.

I agree Flim. It's too early to jump to any conclusions about what may or may not be going on. I hope the OP can see this.

You really shouldn't go snooping in his private e-mails if you're not prepared to find out that he has female friends from nearly 10 years ago. Let him know that you're uncomfortable with him contacting this particular woman but don't be surprised if he gets annoyed about being spied on.

I'd second what Flimflammery says. It sounds more like ego stroking than an affair, maybe you could head things off now - might be nice for you to have some time alone with him as well, do you have anyone you'd trust to babysit for an hour or two?

Hi ladies

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me. I've not stopped cleaning this morning. Keeping my mind off things.

I don't think he will start an affair as she is in another country, so for this I'm grateful. But it just hurts that now after all these years he or she has started contacting don't know who started it. But I know by afew of his comments he's getting flirty.

The reason I was silly and started snooping is that he's become more distant in a weird way, getting all his fitness gear ready to start shaping up. He's always deleting his history. ( only does this when he has something to hide).

The other reason in ap upset is this isn't the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time he's done something like this. It might start off innocent but then it goes further over the line.

The last time was 4 years ago and it destroyed me :-(

I don't mind him having girls as friends but tell me. I'm not possessive or overly jealous. I just want the truth.

You might be right about the attention but he's not really showing me any either. I know I've become fatter over the years abd don't look my glory years but I'm still me.

He confronted me this morning about whats wrong with me, I just said you know why I'm cross. He he didn't I just said old tricks don't lie. He's now cross with me and ignoring me.

Ugh I hate this as I don't have any family near me a very hands on baby and my friends have never met him.

Sorry again for long post just need to get my mind off it.

gosh he sounds awful. So hang on: he's gearing up to play away, you've got wind of it and he's cross with you ???

As you say, old tricks don't lie. If you stay with this man you will be 'devastated' over and over again.

I'm really sorry OP

Think I would be tempted to say you have had an odd phone call from this woman and what is going on?See what he says- Devious moi?

Thanks ladies I wish I could but he will know in lying straight away. This lady knows to never contact me and she's always hated me for taking DH away from her.

I'm just going to have to leave it as I cabt do anything!

I'm just stupid at times!!! Digging never gets you anywhere :-(

Digging DOES get you somewhere. It gets you to a place where you know the truth. When you are fed lies for a long time, you have to dig around because you're living with someone who is fundamentally dishonest.

My ex was unfaithful and I couldn't live with it. It's too stressful. You will have your own tipping point, OP - until then make sure your finances are sorted.

Flimflam & Makescakes I disagree that becaus they are talking about OP's Ds that they are not on the verge of an affair. (So sorry OP). Some women, and I know one in rl myself, are very good at getting their intended victim next married/taken partner to open up to them in this way. It is mind bogglingly nasty imo, but it happens. Unfortunately there are women who can be every bit as predatory as men in this sense of the word. The woman I know will offten chat to married men about their wives & children, this opens up 'cosy' type of friendship, the wives may even know about it and feel 'safe'. But she still has affairs with them. Horrid.

OP - I'd dig further, then send her a message telling her to back off in no uncertain terms. Give it to her straight, tell her he's asked you to e-mail her if you want. Let her think he has put you up to it maybe. Might work, but I'd still keep an eye on things if I were you.

Relationships are meant to make you happy. Sorry op but this guy will never make you happy. He knows you'll take shit from him and he will keep doing it. Sorry.

Thanks again for the replies. It's so hard cause I want to scream and shout at him. Not only for doing this again but for also offering tO send pics of my son. It's none of her business!!! If my ex asked for pics I would intone abd delete, out of respect for my DH!

The reason this bugs me is there is history behind them! And I mean it's been 9 years and no contact why now???? Why do this wheb we have a gorgeous DS!!!

He's now sitting on sofa and not saying anything to me, he's hoping it will go away! Well I'm going to plan my finances and my future. As I know this won't be the last but at least I'll have more options.

I'll keep an eye on emails and see what happens. It just so hurtful that he is tainting this amazing time with DS!

Why now? OP - because he is probably realising that life as a daddy is never going to be the same again. This woman is taking advantage of that, obviously with his full blessing the prick

Prick indeed it's a fantastic time for us! He's been looking at houses and talking about our future but now this!!!!

One day I will walk and I will be better for it and so will my DS.

It just hurts as we have gotten close then distance the close!

As for the OW I will leave her be but if it does continue I will step in. I know she's divorced and her DD lives with the father mmmm says alot!!!

You say he has a track record of having affairs (emotional/online) - what happened after last time, how did he address the devastation he caused? Or were things swept under the carpet?

He was upset and shocked at my reaction I was a little heavy handed but it was the worst of them all!

He promised to stop and that he only did it for the attention abd to see how easy she was! I think it was more forbidden fruit she was a very good friend of mine she mOved to where I lived abd I helped her out, wish I hadn't now.

It took a very long time for us to get back to how we where I felt at my worst and lost so much weight, it was hard but as we had gone so far together I stayed. He tried hard to gain my trust but it's never returned abd it never will.

We have amazing times together and then the lowest! He always said he won't become his father, leaves his family and goes for a younger version well he's not far off. It's just I know i will survive but my poor DS he's only tiny how can this be happening now?

Sad sad twit

Well from what you are saying OP your H isn't thinking about your infant, he's thinking of himself.

If this isn't the first time he has done such a thing (has he ever embarked on a full-blown sexual affair?) he is doing this NOW because he CAN and he did this BEFORE because he COULD and that's the way it's going to be by the sounds of it.

Although he has told you he will never 'become his father' it sounds like he knows he's vulnerable to doing just that. IMO it matters not a jot whether this W lives around the corner or on the moon. It's what is actually happening which is having such an effect on you which matters. You say you know you will be alright, but I sense your real fear and reluctance to act decisively.

But what are your options OP? Can you live with the knowledge that your H hasn't done enough to regain your trust from his previous encounters, sounds reluctant to change his behaviour AND shows a staggering lack of empathy for your distress now? Or can you make some choices yourself about what you and your DS deserve, calmly spell this out to him, and leave him in no doubt whatsoever about the consequences if he delivers anything less than complete fidelity?

TBH when you describe 'highs and lows' I imagine this relationship to be pretty hard work. When you're in a high you're waiting for the low and that's got to take the edge off any good times. When you're in a low you must feel utterly shit because you 'know' how good it 'could be'. I think it's just as well your DS is so tiny because he doesn't yet know the pattern of his parents relationship and so you have time to change things before he starts to learn how to be a male in relation to women.

Bloody fucking FB and internet chat sites (except for MN of course )

Thanks fOr the reply. I know I have to change things and I will. How I do it is hard but not impossible! It will take time to get any financial help, but I will do it now as I know he won't ever change! ( so sad saying that as we have a gorgeous DS )

I want to talk to him about it but I can't as it's his work email and he doesn't access them from home so he will know I've snooped! But I also feel like I cant let it go on.

What do I do? Should I just leave it and follow the conversation as much as I can that is or do I stop it now and cause a war.

He knew I was upset but he didn't say anything! And yesterday he behaved as nothing was upsetting me!

My friend thinks I need to try rekindle our relationship as he might be feeling left out mmmm it works both ways doesnt it!

Also if I do try I will still know what he's up to so it will just hurt me more. But I can't not try right????

Why do they do this to us???? Why hurt us like this?

I know my attention has slipped to DS but he's only a baby I cant fulfill everyone's needs!!!

"he only did it for the attention abd to see how easy she was!"

So he's a grade 2 misogynist

Why did you accept that as an explanation?

He basically told you that he pursues women because he despises them and wants to feel powerful as he manipulates them.

You knew this about him before you had a child with him. Why didn't you heed it?

This man is a shit.

Your friend is a complete and utter idiot.

This has got nothing at all to do with you and not showing him attention. The behaviour of the women he gets involved with is also a distraction. They behave like that because he allows it and encourages it.

I'm pleased you're realising that he won't change. Focus on you now and getting out of this harmful relationship.

The only thing you need to change is how YOU deal with it - you do not have to put up with him.

Its no good being the perfect wife submitting to his every need - it will NOT work. The cheating is ALL about his issues and weaknesses.

He needs to make a lot of changes - he needs to work very hard on addressing his weaknesses and character flaws. He has to change the way he treats you - he has to put you first.

From what you have said, it sounds like he is not committed to repairing the marriage - no wonder why you are finding it hard to move on

You should be allowed to talk about this when you feel the need to - and you should insist on complete transparency and full access to his emails/phone etc. He is in the wrong and its down to him to prove himself.

If you want to read a good book about infidelity, get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends. It will help you understand why you are feeling like this and what would have been happening in the relationship and in your H's head.

Thanks ladies I appreciate all the comments and advice.

My main Goal is to now plan the future for me and DS. I will address it bur I can only do it when he's over stepped too far as I can't now cause he will know I've been checking! Sounds so pathetic hey?

Thing is I would love to work this marriage out for the sake of my DS but I'm just not sure I can continue to hurt like this? It's not fair on me or my DS!