I'm numb, sick and on the verg of breaking down

[shockedtohell]

Hi ladies

I've lurked on this site for so long, was always hoping I would never have to post properly but I guess my time has come.

I've been with my DH for 9 years now and have an amazing DS ( 7 months ) things with us have been pretty ok. Not hot abd steamy or honeymoon period but we seemed happy.

Over the past few weeks things have been bugging me, instinct I guess late nights watching tv, or can't sleep so getting up, no history on computer or phone ( odd for someone who is constantly on the net) did some searching abd porn mm ok been there done that same old record. Sick of having same conversation!!!

But then I got stupid and went a little further I logged into his work email and well he's been emailing his ex ( not really a ex to say but someone he had a very heated fling with) she caused us a few problems on the early months of our dating. She even tried to get my fired so she could take over my position!

Any way the emails seem 60% innocent but the rest not so much, talking about past and can you remember! Him calling her babe, xxx ending the messages, him saying he can be and idiot at times but he's always there for here when ever she needs it. Him asking if she's dating! They did mention me in one email but nothing bad!!

But the worst thing is they are talking about my gorgeous baby!!! She's asking to see photos and he's going to sort some out. He's telling her a few things about him! This is killing me the most! His mine I don't want her knowing or seeing him!

Am I just being so stupid????

He knows something is up but I can't tell him as it will
problems and I was snooping but I just want to cry when I look at my boy!!!!

Sorry for long post and spelling :-(

No you don't need him to over-step the mark.

He's already done that. He's also done it before and your early posts suggest this is at least the fourth incident of infidelity in only 9 years.

You can't work this marriage out because only one of you actually wants to be faithful.

Stop dropping hints about what he's done. Just leave him. When you told him he was up to his old tricks, he will have realised you knew something and now he will just hide it better. What you were doing there was telling him you knew something and giving him permission to lie to you so that you don't have to do something about it. The subtext of your actions was 'I know what you're doing and if you give me the proof I'll have to leave you, so either stop it or hide it so I can pretend for a bit longer'.

You don't need any more 'proof'

I'm sorry OP but I agree with Hatty. He knows you know and he is expecting a bit of a hard time but no serious consequences for his actions and he will do a somersault in his mind and turn this into 'permission' from you to carry on.

I know you are worried and sad for your DS but honestly - your H isn't betraying DS so much as YOU and I'm afraid in these circumstances DC's are unfortunate casualties.

I wouldn't waste any more time. I'd start seeking advice about where you'd stand legally and financially if you ask him to leave - assuming you are a SAHM currently. You don't have to tell him anything - indeed I would counsel against telling him as he'll up the ante to get you back into line, and you sound a bit afraid of him TBH.

I would advise you to leave this man while your ds is still young enough not to be badly affected by it

I find it so sad to see women making excuses and justifications for inadequate men. He won't stop making a mug of you.

He "wanted to see how easy she was?" You should have walked away from such a pig right there and then.

He isn't worthy of the title "family man" OP, and you are simply sabotaging yourself by waiting for him to "overstep". He has already breached normal boundaries several times. What is it he has to do ? Shag another woman in your bed and you walk in on them ?

Constantly blurring and re-setting your own boundaries of what is acceptable from this relationship wil destroy you in the end.

What do you mean by overstepping the mark?

He has been cheating on you, he is not showing respect to you and his family, he has checked out of the marriage...are these actions not overstepping the mark already??

You and your DS deserve so much better

Hi ladies

Thanks for your comments, your right he's over stepped the line, he's shown me that I don't matter yet again!!!

I will leave but as we live in the middle east it's not so easy as I don't really have a home country to return to sadly :-( but I will from this day start sorting my finances out. Yes I'm a SAHM but I get my monthly budget which I will make work in more ways then one.

I will continue to play this sad game as its all I can do.

I txted him today saying are you happy with me? His reply was Off course I am why, I said are you sure as I'm not 100% sure you are. His reply was "Sorry honey nothing is more important to me than you and DS I'm sorry if i made you doubt me. I don't want anything else I promise love DH"

Mmmm just got to love it, I love him but there isnt anymore trust and I know he will never stop!

Ps I'm not scared of him at all, he's never hit me or frightened me in that way! He's probably more scared of me as I was physical with him once and that was after the last time!!! It scared me to see my fathers anger in me!!!

He is probably happy to have you as his housekeeper, nanny, maid, cook etc - men like him often just want to have their cake and eat it and as long as he thinks you will put up with this behaviour, nothing will change

Thing is I'm not a great hOuse keeper my DS is very demanding so my time is spent with him! Lol my house at times looks a tip but hey ho my DS is happy and healthy.

But your right he wants his cake and to eat it by sadly the cake will turn mouldy :-)

I hope he chokes on his cake

You are nothing better (in his eyes) than a reliable mother to his son and housekeeper

he finds his thrills elsewhere, while you are the drudge who's a bit boring but he will give you the pretty words every so often so you will STFU and carry on ironing his shirts and raising his child (in his eyes)

make your own life, love, away from him

am not sure you should be having these conversations by text

words are cheap, as you have found to your detriment

Yes, look at his actions - do these back up what he is saying to you??

I don't think it's possible to truly love someone you don't trust. He certainly doesn't love you enough.

It also sounds like a very immature relationship if you're communicating about your relationship by texts and by dropping hints.

I don't think you're going to do anything about this and have convinced yourself there's nothing you can do other than put up with this life. That's a real shame for you and your son, but you need to take responsibility for that decision and accept the consequences.