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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my ex playing mind games?

38 replies

nolongeramug · 19/04/2012 19:55

I ended the relationship in February after finding texts from other women on his phone and emails, basically the trust had gone from an incident last year so this was the final straw and enough was enough...
We are still living together as neither of us can go, house is on the market and generally things have settled after a rough initial period.
He has not taken the split very well at all, has always been a control freak and hates that I ended it.
I logged onto plenty of fish two days ago, and registered, I'm not after anything serious but suppose I just wanted to see what was out there.
I have had one conversation with a man on there, my iPad was in the kitchen and the screen was locked and covered, it beeped indicating I had a new message and an alert popped up. I was out of the room, well it transpires the ex looked at my iPad and saw the message.
He has not taken it well. Called me all sorts is derogatory names.
He has come home from work in a right state now, saying its all my fault, and I'm doing it all to hurt him. He then basically alluded to the idea that he had thoughts to harm himself this morning.
He told me only I can stop this by not hurting him anymore, by that he means to stop talking/texting any men.
He then went out, and is due back at ten tonight and wants to talk more about it.

I try to stick up for myself but he just wears me down.

OP posts:
LikeARollingStone · 19/04/2012 19:59

Stop caring about him... He's trying to pull at your heart strings and get out as quickly as you can. He's made his bed...

shoegal34 · 19/04/2012 20:00

Can you not stay with friends or family for a while? Me and xp tried to live together while flat was on market and it was hell. For what it's worth i do think your ex is emotionally blackmailing you re the self harm etc. It would be better if one of you moved out then you can move on without the stress x

WaitingForMe · 19/04/2012 20:12

When my ex and I had split up but were still sharing a house he told me I was cruel and manipulative to criticise him to my friends over the phone.

Four years later I'm staggered I thought him eavesdropping was in any way acceptable.

He just invaded your privacy and is mad at you for it. 100% unacceptable.

nolongeramug · 19/04/2012 20:29

Thanks.. I know your right, a couple of weeks ago he tried hacking into my phone, but was unsuccessful. He is just convinced I'm seeing someone. I know it's none of his business, but it seems to be the one thing that will tip him over the edge at the moment... I feel guilty for being ok and wanting to move on.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 19/04/2012 20:40

There's no need to let this twunt get you down as the simple fact is that he shouldn't have pried into what is exclusively your correspondence.

If he continues to make derogatory remarks about you, tell him to go stuff himself - and while he's at it, he can have another helping of sauce because you're going to make sure you get your fair share.

FFS, what planet is he on? He cheats on and expects you to behave like a nun after you've rightly ended your relationship with him? Tell him to get over himself.

LikeARollingStone · 19/04/2012 20:41

What is it with guilt, evil emotion in circumstances such as this. Let go of your obligations towards him, he let go his obligations towards you a while ago. Be strong.

Lovemy3kids · 20/04/2012 07:51

IMO if someone is going to harm themselves, they do not tell people-I know this because of the profession I work in. He is trying to make you feel guilty. My ex and I lived together whilst separated and at first it was hard, but then it got easier as both sides accepted what had happened....and the fact that i virtually lived upstairs when DC were in bed and he lived down-including sleeping. It will be difficult for you, and you should not let him control you or try to make you feel guilty in any way-he is projecting his guilt onto you because he can't deal with it-my ex did exactly the same. You carry on chatting to men if you want to - you are an adult and it is your choice....not his. Good luck x

PillarBoxRedRoses · 20/04/2012 08:35

lovemy3kids is right. You'd only have cause to worry if he stopped talking about hurting himself.. He is tying to hurt you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/04/2012 09:08

You need to kick him out. All the time he is sharing the living space he will be in your face hacking your phone, calling you names or whatever else he's gettingup to. You've been far too tolerant so far and he hasn't returned the favour. Tell him that he can move somewhere else until the sale goes through.

nolongeramug · 20/04/2012 18:13

I laughed out loud at your reply izzy. Thanks ladies, given myself a good talking too, he keeps saying he wants to talk and I just tell him I don't want to. I realise it's just him trying to offload his guilt.
He won't move out, I have tried that, even though his family is twenty mins away and I have a DS and have no where else to go, he is staying because that way he knows what I'm doing and can try and stay in control.

OP posts:
Lovemy3kids · 20/04/2012 18:16

OP -my ex wouldn't move out either and his mum lived alone in a 3 bed house 5 miles from ours. I got round it by going out every night - either to friends, the pub or just for a wander round the late night supermarkets!! Left ex at home with the 3 kids.....!!!!

izzyizin · 20/04/2012 18:22

Next time he threatens to harm himself, hand him a box containing an 8' length of rope, a piece of hosepipe long enough to go from exhaust to car window, 200 paracetamols, and a packet of razor blades, and tell him to take his pick get on with it Grin

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/04/2012 18:29

If he won't move out, wait until he's gone for the day pack his bags, leave them on the doorstep and call a locksmith. It is not right that he sticks around tormenting you. Force his hand.

izzyizin · 20/04/2012 18:42

The OP would be ill-advised to do that if he's named on the mortgage/deeds, Cogito.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 20/04/2012 18:44

Would it be possible for you to put your POF profile on hold until you are living in separate houses? No decent man will probably want to get involved with you while your still living with your ex anway.

MissPricklePants · 20/04/2012 18:45

Him threatening to hurt himself is an empty threat to pass the blame onto you for him invading your privacy, my ex did similar things. Detach and disengage from him.

ivykaty44 · 20/04/2012 18:46

He is only playing mind games if you mind.

I think that you may be playing mind games and he does mind - sorry but leaving your ipad around is dubious n my book.

izzyizin · 20/04/2012 19:10

What a quaint view, NSASMN, but maybe the OP's looking for an indecent man?

Are you proposing that OP should superglue herself to her ipad ivy?

The problem with twunts is that they are invariably halfwits and there's no fun to be had from playing mind games with them as they're simply not up to the challenge.

TheHappyHissy · 20/04/2012 20:58

izzy! Grin

I laugh, but NSASMN is right, only complete wankers will come onto a woman still living with her NSDH. And POF is full of them enough as it is Grin

Get rid of the H nolongeramug THEN take stock of your life and when you are ready look to date. You are not ready atm, not even close to it.

Tell the H that if he doesn't like to see her moving on in her life with haste, that he can leave whenever he wishes, after all HE chose to move on while still allegedly married Hmm. Good for Goose? Good for GANDER.

Remind him that what he chooses to do with his life is his decision, and that it's HIS responsibility to live as he wishes, and where he wishes.

nolongeramug · 20/04/2012 22:05

I'm not married to the idiot... Thanks god. I appreciate I'm not ready for a relationship, I know that, but chatting to one man was just nice, It made me feel good about myself.
All I'm concentrating on is my DS he is the most important person in all this, and living with a grumpy moody bloke is not nice, when I have to keep making excuses for him to my DS.
I literally pray everyday that we will sell the house, I have seen several I like, and dream of living on my own, just me and DS, bliss.
I have taken to taking my iPad to work with me, and phone never leaves my side after I found him googling how to get into a locked phone!
We are in a joint owned home, so can't change the locks...

OP posts:
nolongeramug · 20/04/2012 22:07

Izzy, Will start on my kit for him later, think I have an old hosepipe somewhere! Grin

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/04/2012 22:12

@izzyizin... I don't think mortgage companies would particularly care where he lives. The house is up for sale. If the man had a shred of decency he'd have moved out of his own volition.

izzyizin · 20/04/2012 22:24

As long as the mortgage is paid, the b/s or bank won't give a stuff where he's living but as the property is jointly owned he'll have the right to break back into his own home and a case against the OP if she changes the locks Cogito.

As for no decent man wanting to know you if they discover that you're living under the same roof as your ex; there's no need to advertise that fact and I can't see a problem as you're not living with him in the biblical sense and you'll be home alone once you've effected the sale.

In any event, after this twunt, you're best advised to have fun before opting to throw your lot in with another - not that 'another' will necessarily be a twunt but, as well as the ides of March, you should be beware of jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, honey.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/04/2012 22:33

Legally he'd have a case but cowardly bullies like the OP's ex usually slink off with their tails between their legs when challenged, not risk looking like a twat in court.

nolongeramug · 20/04/2012 22:35

I sure can pick em, only lived with two men, first one left me when DS was nine months for OW.

This one did the same, but not man enough to admit it. I had never been on MN though, to say it has opened my eyes is an understatement. I just need a panel of MNetters to vet the next one... I have vowed to buy next place in my own name, so even when I'm ready it will be on my terms.
I'm just sick of the mind games, and the control he seems to want over me.

OP posts: