Is my ex playing mind games?

[nolongeramug]

I ended the relationship in February after finding texts from other women on his phone and emails, basically the trust had gone from an incident last year so this was the final straw and enough was enough...
We are still living together as neither of us can go, house is on the market and generally things have settled after a rough initial period.
He has not taken the split very well at all, has always been a control freak and hates that I ended it.
I logged onto plenty of fish two days ago, and registered, I'm not after anything serious but suppose I just wanted to see what was out there.
I have had one conversation with a man on there, my iPad was in the kitchen and the screen was locked and covered, it beeped indicating I had a new message and an alert popped up. I was out of the room, well it transpires the ex looked at my iPad and saw the message.
He has not taken it well. Called me all sorts is derogatory names.
He has come home from work in a right state now, saying its all my fault, and I'm doing it all to hurt him. He then basically alluded to the idea that he had thoughts to harm himself this morning.
He told me only I can stop this by not hurting him anymore, by that he means to stop talking/texting any men.
He then went out, and is due back at ten tonight and wants to talk more about it.

I try to stick up for myself but he just wears me down.

It's not worth the risk. As he jointly owns the property he won't look like the twat he is in Court, plus the OP will have to continue living under the same roof as him if he doesn't slink off.

Of course, there's nothing to stop the OP inviting her newfound friends to her jointly owned home...

He has already said that he does not know what he would be capable of if he saw me with someone else. He is a tad unstable, I went out the other night with girlfriends, but did not tell him who I was with, he went spare, got bombarded with texts, and spent an hour when I got home with him crying etc
I really think if he saw me with another bloke he would lose it, big time.

So I wont let that happen.. For my DS sake.

The finances separate in a weeks time, I can't wait, will start saving as on my reckoning he has spent hundreds at the pub this month

He has already said that he does not know what he would be capable of if he saw me with someone else

We know full well what he's capable of - uttering the oh so tediously predictable implied threats of a big girl's blouse.

Before you separate the finances buy shares in Kleenex and stick a mahoosive box of tissues on his tab.

Take heart, honey. Once you've sold up, he'll only have his beer to weep into

I had a similar situation with exH. He dragged his heels and tried to make me feel terribly guilty, despite that fact that his behaviour with another woman had been part of the cause.
One night I found him drinking JD and sobbing whilst listening to Evanescence! Other times he would go through my phone, try to cut up my clothes, keep me awake all night ranting. When I met someone else, my 'adultery' became the reason for the split in his eyes!
You'll be so happy once you escape from this man!!

My advice is -

Let the dust settle with the man you are sharing the house with, your ex.
Don't take any notice of what he says about iPad man.
Spend plenty of time out or in your room avoiding him.
Avoid arguments by walking away.
Don't leave your phone lying around.

If you think he may turn nasty -
Get paperwork out of the house.
Get valuables out too.
Get a lock for inside your bedroom door.
Start living in your bedroom basically.
Separate your lives as much as you can, be bright and breezy and don't tell him what you are up to, say its neutral stuff and avoid all things that might set him off.
Be prepared to flee in the middle of his row if you have to. Have packed bag at the ready - wash stuff, work stuff, clean knickers etc.
The phone becomes of exaggerated importance - charged, credited, to hand but out of sight, work out how to unlock it without him seeing.
If you ever have to ring 999, give your location immediately if nothing else.

The point of separation is the point of highest risk. 'This is really it' sort of thing. And for us women, we are on our way out the door, therefore we don't want to bother having to put up with hours of arguments and haranguing because its over, so we are less inclined.

But this can make him up his game, to keep us under control.

Avoid avoid avoid - and then flee if needs be.

Prepare a bag and a friend and in these months especially, think about managing your phone and having cash in your purse.

It just doesn't stop...after me successfully avoiding him for a few days, he managed to corner me this evening, told me that he wanted me to experience the hurt and emotion he was feeling, basically admitted that he resented me for dealing so well with it all. He then said I had better be worried about my job? I have no idea what he is going on about, I can only think he is out to stitch me up. I didn't respond to him and told him not to be so silly.
Then we had, I will never get over you, never.
I am not worried that he has dirt on me, as if you can imagine the most legally abinding person in the world, I'm it, never even had detention at school.
I am concerned that he is desperate to make me suffer, and he is not stupid, I'm worried he will try to stitch me up or make some false allegation against me just to cause me grief

Would this be the very same hurt and emotion you experienced when you discovered that he'd done the dirty on you? Tell him you've been there, done that, and now it's his turn to wear the t-shirt.

As for the rest; don't worry, honey, it's the usual hackneyed bluff and bluster which is the first and last resort of bullies, cowards, and the morally weak.

If he says any more about your job, smile enigmatically and tell him that in accordance with the law of attraction whatever dastardly deeds he engages in will return to him threefold - see first para as evidence that karma works

Great! Just great! He's gone from a common or garden cheat to an abusive, theatening bully!

Take all the safety advice here, make sure you've an escape route and if he threatens you again, call the police.

I have no idea how, but my ex has just had a right go at me, demanding I leave. Then he started quoting a few texts I sent to a bloke, word for word and confronted me over texting him. The text messages are now deleted, and god knows what he sent this bloke from my phone.
I take my phone everywhere with me and it has a four digit lock on it... I did catch ex in my room earlier, I think I was only putting washing away as my phone was charging, but that was only a few minutes.
It has really upset me, it's my private business and now it's all getting thrown back in my face and what has really got to me is that I no longer feel safe using my phone to text my friends... I have been so strong, but I'm starting to crumble, he has gone out to pub, I'm sitting here crying.

Jeez, he's full of it, isn't he?

Dry your tears, honey - you're made of sterner stuff.

If he says anything more when he returns from his spiritual home, tell him that tampering with another person's phone, mail, or other private means of communication/correspondence is a criminal offence and if you have any further reason to suspect that he's tampered with yours, or if he continues to subject you to verbal abuse, you'll be reporting him to the police for harassment.

If he goes into one, call 999 and get him removed from what is your home as much as his. A couple of hours down the local nick on in the cells will soon sort him out.

Organise a lock for your room and don't leave any personal items, including your phone/laptop etc, lying unattended in any other part of the house.

What a way to live, eh? Hope you get a sale soon.

Oh... and btw text any person you suspect he's sent messages to on your phone and find out the content

I have text the person, but no reply, god knows if he sent him something though what it said.
He just got home from pub ten mins ago, as my bedroom light was on said "night" couple of times, so I just ignored him, so my door was flung open and he shouted it at me.

He is upstairs now all quiet.
I am really strong, but even the strongest have weak moments, and right now I just don't know how much more of this I can take.
Will take the advice though, and book to see solicitor tomorrow.
My head is thumping.