What the hell do I do with this? I can't get over my mums confession.

[missrandom]

Hi everyone

Firstly, I didn't actually know where to post this. I'm on mumsnet a fair bit(namechange) and so out of all the forums, it kind of made sense to post in in the realtionships section, although it's a very distressing situation and one which I can't seem to move on from.

I don't really know where to start. My mum had a very unconventional and disturbing upbringing. I always knew that she was reguarly beaten by her mother when she was growing up and by regularly, I mean every week at exactly the same time. I feel sick writing this, I really do, but I need to get this out and hopefully get some advice. Recently though, I found out something else, which is much more disturbing and upsetting than my mothers regular and almost ritual style beatings. One day I decided to take my mum out for a drink and after a couple she decided to confess something which she instantly regretted telling me and which will probably change my life forever. She explained that there was a lot of inappropriate behaviour in her house and then burst into tears. I assumed she was talking about the issues she had with my gran, but no. She went on to tell me that her dad, my grandad, used to sexually abuse her. I went numb for a while and then I too, burst into tears. I could have been sick and I was surprised that I wasn't. She said that it wasn't when she was really young and it wasn't rape, but that there was a lot of touching and requests for her to sit on his knee for a little bit too long and i'm sure you know what I mean. She believes that it's because he was so screwed up because he had such a horrible start in life, but for goodness sake, a lot of people do and they DON'T turn out to be sexual or any other kind of abusers! She promised that I don't tell my sister and she is the only person that I really want to tell because she'll be the only person who knows exactly what i'm feeling.

I really don't know what to do with this information. I'm feeling hate, anger, shame, sadness, but above all i'm feeling completely helpless.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can help her? I don't even think she sees it as abuse. I'm really struggling and i'm desperate to be able to talk to someone about this properly. I can't believe that both my grandparents were such monsters.

Thanks for reading.

You listen to her and you understand that this is really not about you, it's about her. You've obviously had a shock but it wasn't you being abused. If your grandparents are dead there can't be any prosecution but she may benefit from counselling. If you've been asked not to tell your sister, honour that promise.

The only thing that makes sense in this to me is perhaps your Gran knew of this , hence the regular beatings, perhaps as a form of punishment/ to release her resentment?

I would try and urge your Mum to get this all out to a counsellor, she has been carrying this all around for years and needs help to deal with this properly.

I also would tell your sister- honestly, you can't keep this to yourself and it would be unfair of your Mum to tell you and not her, she must realise you have to tell her. Is he still alive?
I agree that getting some counselling for your Mum would be good, that is such a horrendous family to grow up in.

Actually there's quite a lot there which i've missed out.

My mum was also aware that my grandad used to physically and sexually abuse my gran. To the point where she used to hear my gran rejecting my grandads sexual advances and having them completely ignored. My mum, however never mentioned the word rape. It was always unwanted sex. My mum was even told that she was the product of one of those occasions where she had "unwanted sex". How do you get over knowing that that's how you were brought into the world?! It has a knock on effect though, as I've started to feel like actually, i'm also a product of that, as i'm from my mother and that's where she came from. Does that make any sense?

I do actually feel like i'm going a little insane thinking about all this. I want it erased from my mind, but I can't do anything about it.

My gran is alive, but my grandad died when I was 10.

I remember knowing that he loved me, but I also felt uncomfortable in his presence. He always smelt of whisky or beer and would always try and scare me, but then tell me it was fine. He used to pull these horrible faces at me and pretend he was a monster and I used to ask him to stop, but he didn't. I used to think it was normal and just part of his"cheeky" personality. He was thought of as a character. This may have been completely innoccent, but after hearing my mums experiences, i'm starting to wonder if there was some kind of warped link.

Hello I think both posters above have given very good advice. I'd urge your mother very strongly to speak to a counsellor and just listen if she wants to talk. Initially she may need to visit a doctor to be referred for the right form of counselling - there are different types of therapy.

There is a support thread for survivors of sexual abuse here, and you can post there to get extra support and advice, and an idea of some of the issues which might be affecting your mother.

I hope things work out for you. It is a terrible blow and quite disillusioning if your view of your GD was previously a positive one. So you may need to confide in someone else non-related but discreet for your own piece of mind.

"Does that make any sense?"

No it doesn't. You are your own person, not just a collection of other people's DNA. You are exactly the same person as you were last week and last month. Even though you've had a shock, don't build this new information up into something that it isn't. If you go down the route of looking for evidence of their worst character traits in yourself, you really will go nuts.

OP, I agree with Mists above, you and your mum might need to talk to someone about this. Sometimes you can't get something out of your head/heal until you've told someone about it, then the weight lifts a bit. Maybe your mum finding the courage to tell you means she's started to heal?

Your mum has shown great courage in confiding in you and, first and foremost, I would urge you to protect her confidence and resist any temptation to share this knowledge with others as it is for her, and for her alone, to decide who she wants to tell.

Encourage your mum to call www.rapecrisis.org.uk as this organisation is best placed to counsel her and, now that she has begun to open up, it will be beneficial for her to offload some of the burden she has carried alone for far too long - give them a call yourself if you should the need to talk to someone in rl about these issues.

It's possible that your mum is one of the many millions who, throughout the centuries, have been conceived as a result of non-consensual sex - and it could be that many more of us are blissfully ignorant of the fact that we came into being in this manner.

Although many people past and present may be the product of rape, this does not make them 'less' than others nor does it mean that they are more disposed to perpetuating historic sexual abuse through ftuure generations.

As a woman who was exposed to considerable trauma in her childhood by those who were charged with protecting her, your mum is a survivor and you can rightly be proud that her blood flows in your veins, so to speak.

As for those who abused her, they are your relatives by design rather than choice and, regardless of whether any of them are still living, you have the choice to view them merely as the vessels by which your mum, and subsequently yourself, came to this planet.

In short, honey, do not beat yourself up - or allow your mum to beat herself up - for 'the sins of the fathers' or the mothers, as the case may be, because you both occupy your rightful place in this world.

I agree with cogito. DNA does not dictate the kind of person you are. It was your mum who suffered, and the best thing for you to do is to support her, not try and make links to how it could affect you.
I suggest councelling, maybe for both of you.

Thank you everyone.

izzy, there's a big hurdle here and that is that I don't think my mum sees it as abuse. Like I mentioned before, she almost sympathises with him because of his terrible start in life. Abandoned at birth, beaten by his "carers" and told that he wasn't wanted etc. Although she's only just bringing it up now, I think she thinks she's already got it sorted in her head and therefore, doesn't need to talk to anyone else, ie a counselor. I think she'd be willing possible to talk to someone about the abuse she suffered from my gran. That might sound a little strange, but my gran's abuse is mental aswell as physical and she gave my mum away at 6 months old for 7 years to her mother(my great gran). My gran continues to mentally torment my mother, even though I know she loves her. She's a very selfish woman. I know she appologised to my mum on several occasions over the years and blames her actions on the menopause and the stress of home life. I'm sure it had something to do with it, but if i'm being honest and to put it plainly, I don't think my gran is a very nice person. I wouldn't wish her suffering on anyone and nobody deserves that. Whether she deserves my mums forgiveness is another matter though. I wont ever forgive her and i'm glad that she's not a person who I see on a regular basis, otherwise this would all come out.

puds, please don't make it sound as though i'm being self absorbed by admitting that i'm struggling to come to terms with what my mum has gone through. Of course it's my mum who has suffered, but it inevitably has a knock on affect and i'm just explaining my feelings. I love my mum very much and to think that this has happened aswell as what I already knew about my gran, is almost unbearable. Heartbreaking actually.

Cogito has given sterling advise, as usual. Please don't tell your sister, though - your mum divulged this is in confidence, because she trusted you, and it would be awful if she felt everyone was talking about her. Do suggest some counselling if she feels she needs to talk about it with someone and you don't feel able to deal with it emotionally.

I am sorry to read your post. How horrible for you to hear that and even worse for your mum who has suffered in silence all these years. I hope your mum can get help to come to terms with what she has gone through.

You say you are concerned that your mum does not recognise the abuse and makes excuses for your Grandad (he had a bad childhood etc). Presumably your mum still loves or loved her Dad and no-one wants to admit to themselves that their parent is a monster/paedophile/evil person. We all rationalise bad behaviour in ourselves and others and presumably your mother is no different. Presumably this would be something your mum could discuss in counselling.

I have no wise words to offer at all but wishing you all the best.

The fact she told you means she doesn't exactly have it all sorted in her head and even if she doesn't call it abuse, she does think it was wrong. If not she wouldn't have cried. She may not see the need for a counsellor but it does sound like she needs one.

She needs you a lot now and back then, she could not trust the people she was supposed to trust. It would be a shame if she finds out she can't trust you either to keep her secret for as long as she deems it necessary.

this is her story to tell even if you have loads of emotions about it. If you do need to tell someone, get a counsellor for yourself too. They are obliged to keep your secret and that way you don't have to suffer your own emotions in silence because you can't share with your sister just yet.

Are you not proud that you are the only person in the world your mother dared to confide in? She must believe you are very strong and empathetic. It is a burden, yes - but when you're over the shock you will almost certainly find you can help her carry it.

If your mother managed not to pass on the ill-treatment she received to her own children, she has done very very well. She has broken the pattern. You are the result.

Hi I have name changed for this op. I found out when I was 12 that my mum had been sexually abused by my grandad and when I was 16 it came out that he also abused my uncle. We think he probay abused one of my aunts too but she has died and would never say anyway. Yes it is a horrible shock and you need to support your mum but it is a horrible horrible thing to have in your head that this has happened to someone you love. And yes it does affect the op. I have suffered from depression with all the shit I have in my head among other reasons too. It's horrific knowing something like this. And once you know you can't 'unknow' it which I desperately wished I could do sometimes.
I second counselling for your mum if she will go but I also advise counselling for you op just to get your head straight.
Sending love at this time. I know how hard it is to deal with but you will in time.

Finished, i'm so sorry your family have gone through this too. It awful to find out at any age, but at 12!.........it's just so sad. You must have been so confused. At that age you usually haven't been subjected to those kind of issues and people, so to find out that one of them was in your family before you really understood it all, must have been tough beyond words. I completely agree that my mum needs counselling and I hope that one day she does go ahead with it. Right now though, I just can't see her doing it. I think she just thinks it's going to open an enormous can of worms and one of which, which she wont be able to close again.

Hi sorry I haven't replied yet. My mum has tried counselling but she doesn't like it. She also says it's fine and she's over it but her, my uncle and my aunt who has died are all alcoholics and my uncle was emotionally abusive to his family. Thankfully he is now sober and sorting his life which I'm so proud of as thought he would end up the same way as my aunt.
When I found out I didn't really know what was going on so prob didn't affect me as severely as it might have but as I got older and mum talked to me about it then yeh it messed with my head. Talk about skeletons in the closet!
The one thing is that my nan never knew and if she had done then she would have killed him. She didn't know until later in life about it and always wondered why my mum and uncle never let u's grandkids stay over.
All you can do is support your mum and reassure her you're there whatever she decides to do. And I think counselling for yourself is a good plan to as I always found it helpful to talk about stuff. Anyway I'm sorry again for not replying quickly, if you wanna pm me then pls do so. I'll namechange back but think I still get pms in this name x

How awful for you. Please feel free to join the support thread that Avalon mentioned. It's here. It might give you some insight into what your mother is feeling.

Apart from that all you can do is listen. Perhaps advise her to go to a counsellor. Really she was wrong to burden you with this, but I can understand how it came out when she was drunk. It is terrible thing for a child to know about a parent and I can see how it would affect you.

what cogito said. Its not about you. Its about her. Be there for her.listen to her. honour her. Dont turn around and betray her as well

I would strongly recommend she goes for counselling. I have been for one on one and also group therapy for sexual abuse. They were both very good and helpful. I got mine through the Dr.

I also think that you are focusing too much here on how it makes YOU feel and how YOU were nearly sick and who YOU want to tell. You're a grown up, deal with it!

Sorry if that sounds harsh but as someone who has been through it i can imagine how incredibly hard it was for your mum to tell you. If i tell people my history i hope that they will react in a non hysterical, sensible way. If they told someone else against my wishes i would never forgive them, it would be a massive betrayal.

I'm actually a little sickened at the last couple of comments. How utterly insensitve and heartless. Of course i'm an adult and i'm trying to deal with it. I didn't crumble at the time! I was there for her and if you actually read what I wrote, you'll know that I know its about her and not me. God forgive me for describing my emotions and feelings when I found out this terrible secret. I never said I was going to tell my sister and BETRAY my mum, I simply said that my sister was the one person I felt I wanted to talk to about it. Again, god forgive me! I must be such an awful person for letting this out. I can believe I am being made out to be such a selfish person for merely looking for advice on how I can help my mum and yes, expressing how it has made me feel. Is that a crime?!

It was another poster who said you should tell your sister anyway.

Missrandom - I haven't read the whole thread but I had to respond as my mother revealed that Grandad abused her as a child over a decade ago, after my Grandmothers funeral - once both parents were dead Mum felt able to discuss her experience but for her it seemed that worse than her abuse from her father (similar to what you described) was the fact that when she told her family what was happening they ignored her and did nothing.

I will read your responses but I think you need to process the information first yourself, I had no relationship with or affection for my maternal Grandparents but it was still a shock and I needed time. Your Mum should know that you are there to listen and that if she seeks counselling you will support her, but only she can decide what she wants to do. I suggest that as she is telling you she clearly wants and needs to discuss it but she probably needs time herself.

I am so sorry you are going through this it is very hard and definitely changed me.