What the hell do I do with this? I can't get over my mums confession.

[missrandom]

Hi everyone

Firstly, I didn't actually know where to post this. I'm on mumsnet a fair bit(namechange) and so out of all the forums, it kind of made sense to post in in the realtionships section, although it's a very distressing situation and one which I can't seem to move on from.

I don't really know where to start. My mum had a very unconventional and disturbing upbringing. I always knew that she was reguarly beaten by her mother when she was growing up and by regularly, I mean every week at exactly the same time. I feel sick writing this, I really do, but I need to get this out and hopefully get some advice. Recently though, I found out something else, which is much more disturbing and upsetting than my mothers regular and almost ritual style beatings. One day I decided to take my mum out for a drink and after a couple she decided to confess something which she instantly regretted telling me and which will probably change my life forever. She explained that there was a lot of inappropriate behaviour in her house and then burst into tears. I assumed she was talking about the issues she had with my gran, but no. She went on to tell me that her dad, my grandad, used to sexually abuse her. I went numb for a while and then I too, burst into tears. I could have been sick and I was surprised that I wasn't. She said that it wasn't when she was really young and it wasn't rape, but that there was a lot of touching and requests for her to sit on his knee for a little bit too long and i'm sure you know what I mean. She believes that it's because he was so screwed up because he had such a horrible start in life, but for goodness sake, a lot of people do and they DON'T turn out to be sexual or any other kind of abusers! She promised that I don't tell my sister and she is the only person that I really want to tell because she'll be the only person who knows exactly what i'm feeling.

I really don't know what to do with this information. I'm feeling hate, anger, shame, sadness, but above all i'm feeling completely helpless.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can help her? I don't even think she sees it as abuse. I'm really struggling and i'm desperate to be able to talk to someone about this properly. I can't believe that both my grandparents were such monsters.

Thanks for reading.

Wilding, you still see your grandad?! How do you cope? I'm sure that's not a very helpful question and actually I still have to see my gran on a regularish basis, who beat my mum and basically bullied her for all childhood. Does your grandma know what happened? Your dad?

The being left alone as a child bit, that's something else which i'm struggling to understand, because I was left on my own with him. However, I still don't think my mum has really thought of it as sexual abuse before the last few years. Nevertheless, I suppose there's alittle anger there on my part because the thought of leaving my dd with him sends shivers down my spine and more to the point, it wouldn't happen. I have asked her why she left me with him sometimes and her answer was simply "I don't know".

I have asked her why she left me with him sometimes and her answer was simply "I don't know".

I think the answer to that is that she assumed (rightly in this case) that the treatment she endured was directed at her personally. Don't forget that survivors are made to feel they deserve this treatment, or that it is necessary to endure it to avoid worse consequences. It is likely that they both understood that different rules applied to you as it was an entirely different dynamic.

I think you need to be careful about questioning her too much and allow her simply to talk. Your mother has clearly reached a very fragile stage. Questions like that will make her feel judged and regret her confession. Bear in mind that the reason so many people feel unable to talk about it is because it opens up a whole Pandora's Box of questions which they cannot answer coherently, and this adds to the guilt they feel. There will be days when she just doesn't want to talk about it, and feel angry with herself for telling you.

Many people feel unable to talk about it even to a specially trained counsellor. Being made to go through it all over again feels like a further punishment, when you have already spent years punishing yourself and have got to the stage where you just want that to end.

If this sounds like your mother then I would urge you to encourage her to see her GP. Ask for a long appointment and go with her. She may benefit from a course of anti-depressant SSRI's before she can even cope with the thought of counselling.

olga, I completely get what you're saying. I only asked her once and I made it very clear that I wasn't angry with her, only him. I actually just wanted to find out what she was thinking at the time more than seeing her decision to leave me with him as irresponsible or dangerous. For example, did she really not feel that I was at risk at the time? She's always felt guilty and regretted telling me this, but I have always said that I don't blame her in any way and I mean it.

I hate him so much and I hate the fact that I can't ask him why............ How could you do this? I remember crying for days when he died. I was 10 at the time, but now I feel like he doesn't deserve my tears. He's poisoned my mind. It feels as though he's tormenting us from the grave. Sorry, to be so morbid, i'm really struggling today.

Missrandom, these feeling you have are all part of you moving on.

There's no shortcut I'm afraid, but a trained counsellor can help you to order your thoughts and feelings so it doesn't take over your life.

We are also here to support you but suppressing your pain will only prolong the agony. This is a good place to rant if you need to release the pressure!
You are a human being who is entitled to the full range of emotions but you are responsible for how these emotions are expressed! I'm sure you will be able to get advice here on how to manage the pain.

You are also supporting your mother which, although it wont be easy, might cement your relationship in a way I never could because of secrecy and shame. I hope this is the start of a process that will help you to know and understand each other in a way that's not possible by internalising the pain.
I have high hopes that you and your mother will become very close indeed so your love can conquer the pain of the past.

missrandom

I do feel for you, your reaction is quite understandable - as YNK says, it is part of a process. I can only try to explain things a little in the context of my own experience. Often in this kind of situation what grieves us the most is that this happened to someone we love, and we weren't able protect them or help them.

You weren't able to help your mother when it was happening - you weren't even born. At the time of your GF's death, you were only a child. You were powerless to help her then, but you are not powerless now. Your GF is not "torturing you from the grave". Do not waste emotional energy on this man - you cannot change the past. Think about how you can change the future for your mother and yourself.

You talk about wanting answers from your GF. This is perfectly natural. We all try to seek some kind of rational explanation for behaviour, but the sad fact is there is no rational explanation. In fact there is no explanation at all which would satisfy you. If he was here to answer "why?" today, his answer would probably be "because I could".

Do get some help. Please do contact the organisations I have linked to above.

You might also find it useful to read this excellent article. It will help you to understand your mother's need to keep this to herself for so long. It explains many of the reasons why people who are abused maintain relationships with abusive family members:

www.pandys.org/articles/documents/relationshipabusivefamily.pdf

The organisation is here:
pandys.org/

Feel pride in yourself that your mother has confided in you not just because she desperately needed to, but because she felt you were strong enough and kind enough to hear it.

missrandom, I don't know if my grandma knows. I have a feeling that she did know, or at any rate suspect, but didn't do anything. I don't know if my dad knows, but he and my mum split up when I was a lot younger so it's not really relevant now I suppose.

I guess the reason that I still see them (and I'm talking very infrequently, maybe once a year for about an hour) is that it's what my mum wants. She's dealt with things and wants to keep some sort of relationship with them even if it's never going to be a good one. We just go and chat for a bit and it's a bit stilted and awkward and then we leave. I think, for me, it's easier as Mum doesn't get particularly emotional over seeing them any more, and since I don't know the exact details of what happened, and since she's never really mentioned it again, I can put it to the back of my mind.

I think it's great that your mum has opened up to you, and of course you should be there for her and support her however you can. But I would make sure that you don't get too drawn into being her counsellor - this is a really big issue and affects you too, and having her rely totally on you to help her with this (not that I'm saying she will) could be quite damaging, potentially. I would definitely encourage her, if/when you think she's ready, to seek some professional help in dealing with this. I know a lot of therapists (my mum is one herself, now!) so do PM me if you want any recommendations.