Found emails between DP and ex. Not sure what to do.

[sextingex]

My laptop broke a few days ago, so my DP lent me an old one of his. I was using Outlook when I saw a load of old messages (3 years old). I know I shouldn't have, but I read them.

There were loads between him and an ex. (They were together in college (20 years ago), but she cheated on him and dumped him for someone else). It looks like they were in contact for over a year, and there are hundreds of them.

There's loads of reminiscing about the sex they had / exchanging of photos etc, but weirdly the mundane stuff is really hard to take. They seem so at ease with each other. It's so hard to read him being like that with someone else.

He must have been emailing her when I was in the room sometimes, and that seems like such a breach of trust :( Some are even when we were of holiday together ffs.

I don't know what to do. We've been together nearly 15 years and I thought we were really happy. I don't feel I can just ignore it, but I don't know what good will come of bringing it up. It's not like I can tell him to stop emailing her. It was over years ago.

Also, am I over reacting - it's only emails. She asked to meet up, but he said no, which is good isn't it? (although he didn't say it was because of me- he said it was because he might realise he wasn't as happy as he thought he was) :(

Sorry this is so long, just wanted some perspective about what I should do.

I think you need to talk about it. If you don't then I can only imagine that it will slowly poison your relationship because you will have no answers and will mull over the emails and make yourself very unhappy. The emails were highly inappropriate and the comment at the end very hurtful. I think he needs to know that. By talking about it you de-mystify everything that happened rather than wondering and worrying- you do deserve answers here and it's not wrong to want to know what his mindset was then and why they were behaving like this.

You might think no good will come of bringing it up, but if you don't then will it cause damage as well? And that damage and hurt will be harming you and you don't deserve that. You shouldn't put yourself in the position where you're tormenting yourself while he is oblivious.

Yes it is good that he said no sexting. Are they still in contact do you know? Whilst I don't think you can tell him to stop emailing her, the content of the emails are totally inappropriate. How would he feel if you were emailing an ex and discussing the sex you had once had?

Yes I agree with Burderer the way forward is to have a talk with DH and see where you go from there.

Thanks. It is eating away at me already, so you're right, I really should talk to him. Just can't face it, it'll make it more real.

I don't think I made it clear in the OP, the emails were sexting (i think!) They exchanged semi naked photos, and DP talked about masterbating to them He refused to meet up for sex in RL.

I'm sorry to hear that, I didn't realise it had reached that point :(

In answer to your question about overreacting, I think most people would view this as cheating so you are definitely not being over the top in any way. He may have drawn the line at meeting up but that doesn't make any of the other behaviour any less hurtful or wrong.

I know the issue of time may also be making you unsure. You've stumbled across all of this long after it happened but it's important to remember that for you it is fresh. Please don't feel that you aren't allowed to feel the hurt and anger that someone else would feel if they discovered this when it was still going on. It may be tempting to sweep it away because of the online nature of what they were doing and how long ago it was but it may fester if you do and harm your relationship over time.

I think it's possible to come back from this (if you want to), but it has to dealt with and talked about and he needs to be honest. There is no cure in him minimising what happened or trying to pretend it didn't occur. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to talk about it many times and ask questions and so on.

Did the emails draw to a close when he refused to meet up? Do you think they're not in contact now?

I would feel really hurt and betrayed. I don't think you're overreacting at all. He may just have been enjoying the attention/flirting. Him refusing to meet would back this up. He may have said the bit about not being as happy as he thought as a way of letting her down gently - as opposed to saying 'no i'm really happy with my DP'.

I definitely think you should speak to your DP. To echo the other posters, you don't want this eating away at you.

Thanks Burderer. Your point about reacting differently because they are old messages has got me thinking. You're right, I would have been furious if I'd found them at the time, and definitely would have confronted him about it.

It just seems so weird to find them now.

That is such a difficult situation to be in, I really feel for you but yes, absolutely you must speak to him. I would feel as if it was a huge breach of trust too.

I don't want you to feel more down than you already do, but I would consider this cheating 100%. Sex messaging and half naked photos and masturbating? I couldn't get past this.

Not just because of the infidelity but because I would consider my dh to be a total stranger - someone I just don't know at all because I would bet my life that he woudln't do this.

Really sorry, how horrible for you x

The big mystery is whether it stopped there. When you cast your mind back to what was happening after the e mails appeared to stop, what do you remember? What was he like with his phone around that time? It's unlikely that this correspondence was restricted to E mails unless she lives thousands of miles away. He gave her a hook too which exposed a chink in his armour. It's very unlikely she would have given up after that.

Based on what you do know it's a massive disloyalty and disrespect to you and your relationship. I'd be inclined to recharge his old mobile phone and look at old bills if you still have them, because I think if you confront him now, he'll admit to only what you've found and will rely far too heavily on the impression the emails give of him turning her down. I'd also be inclined to check his current laptop.

You need to talk to him.

And also, bear in mind that he refused to meet her in RL. Basically, he used the email exchange as wanking material - this woman doesn't seem to have been anything more than a fantasy (an idealised version of their past, etc. conveniently forgetting that she cheated on him and dumped him). But ultimately he chose his real life and you.

Also, I don't agree that the emails he wrote were inappropriate and hurtful - they weren't meant for you to read. If he had said to your face the things he said, yes, absolutely, I would show him the door straight away. But it was all said within the context of a mutual fantasy that never went beyond sexting.

You need to talk.

Albeit, not with an ex, but this is what my H did to me. It is cheating, and it ended our marriage.

Thanks again everyone. I think this really was the end, as he carried on using the laptop after this.

I can't remember him ever being weird about his phone, but then I didn't guess anything was wrong when he was emailing either, so maybe he's better at lying than I ever imagined.

I keep veering from what distance says (he never meant me to see any of this/got caught up in the excitement) to what proudandscary said (I don't feel like I know him any more/ can't believe he's capable of this).

The thing is, if I bring it up then that's our relationship changed forever - over what could have meant nothing to him. Aaggh - tying myself up in knots....

Your relationship was changed forever from the moment he did this. Bringing that out into the open doesn't change that. Now that you know, you've been altered forever too.

I think it's impossible that this ended abruptly if the E mails don't show that 'closure'. I think it's more likely that they moved on to more instant means of communication, like texting or messenger.

I think it's absurd to say that it would have been more hurtful if he'd said these things to your face and that the secrecy was somehow a good thing as he never intended you to see any of it. The only reason he didn't want you to see it was not because of your pain, but his own if you ever found out.

Hatty, I know you're right about it already being changed - but it's hard to accept at the moment.

I really do think that was the end of the contact though. DP said that he wanted it to stop (although he did say he kept changing his mind about whether he wanted to see her) and she said she thought it was for the best too.

I will look at his current laptop/phone though. Just for some peace of mind.

I think that's a good idea.

Expressing ambivalence like that was an insurance policy for him - he was saying 'push hard enough and I might change my mind'. You might never know what would have happened if she had pushed harder (assuming she didn't at some point) and unfortunately that might be more down to her circumstances than his, especially if she agreed herself that stopping was for the best.

I'd be interested in what he's been like towards you since then. I wonder whether he subconsciously blames you for being a barrier to something he would have liked to do, and whether he has acted any of that out - in a punitive way?

I do worry that if she pushed harder he might have done more. Although I keep remembering that she offered him guaranteed sex and he said no, so maybe once it became real it lost the excitement.

The scary thing is, I don't remember his behaviour changing at all. Surely I should have seen something. It's difficult because it was so long ago as well - I'm trying to think if things were particularly good/bad then, but don't remember anything in particular.

Is she married or in a relationship?

I would definitely check his current laptop/phone etc. Are you sure it didn't stop because he had stopped using that computer and they carried on corresponding on a different email account when he got the new laptop?

Very sorry you have discovered this and absolutely agree with others that it doesn't matter it was a year ago, it is still very much cheating.

Take care of yourself.

Just a thought too. Were you on Mumsnet or any other forum at that time? Could you search your old posts to see if anything jogs your memory? Do you have an old diary with key events that happened then? Recalling these might unearth some memories.

If I was you I think I would not be able to help myself from sneaking a look at his current laptop or phone especially as he said he kept changing his mind.

I know you say he turned her down etc but you don't actually know that she didn't start texting him and they carried on from there. I hope for your sake that it did end there but I don't know if I could trust DH again.

I don't want you to feel worse but I definitely would say its cheating regardless of whether anything physical happened, its a betrayal at the end of the day.

You really should say something as if you don't he may do something like this again. You will never feel 100% comfortable with him either if you bury this information, you will always be wondering now what he's doing on his phone or computer and you will end up driving a wedge between you anyway.

She's married - she said happily so in her messages. But if that was really the case, why was she emailing my DP all the time? .

She was going through some tough things in her life (death of mother, miscarriage) and she said she just needed support from someone she trusted. (I feel like I bloody know the women I've read so much about her in the emails - I think that's making it worse).

Maybe I'm being naive, but that really did seem like the end of the messages. They both kept saying they knew it was wrong throughout the year. He used that laptop up until last year, so the only possibility is that it started up again recently, or they changed to text messages /IM.

She probably is happy. Just like your husband was happy. It's a myth that cheating only happens in unhappy relationships. Doesn't mean people aren't succeptible to an ego boost and a load of sexual flattery. For both of them, this probably started as a form of escapism from the monotony that is everyday life - and in her case the emotional upheavals she'd faced. It was a fantasy. But it then became addictive and was needed in order to get through the day. That's why your husband was contacting her when when with you and during activities with the family - he needed his 'fix'.

Which is why it would be surprising if he'd been able to go 'cold turkey' without there being some noticeable effects.

It's possible that he got frightened, or cared for her enough not to exploit her vulnerable state. It's possible he realised she was in a good marriage and he didn't want to be part of its destruction. It's possible he thought 'she doesn't change does she? She cheated on me and now she's doing it to some other poor sod' and felt solidarity with her husband. And it's possible he is a strong enough character to realise that there was a line he wouldn't cross, because of his feelings for you and your relationship.

But the cynic in me tells me that's rare, once an addiction has caught hold and after so many lines were crossed.

I agree with Hatty.

It is cheating and now he has done it.

And there is now nothing to stop him doing it again, if he isn't currently.

You definitely now know he has the potential to, as he has once.

Not to defend him in any way, but is it possible he didn't see it as cheating? In their last exchange about whether to meet up, he said he didn't know if he could take such a big step and cross that line. (she pointed out that he already had crossed the line).

That was when he said he kept changing his mind about what to do - and that it would be better to stop. Then she agreed.