Found emails between DP and ex. Not sure what to do.

[sextingex]

My laptop broke a few days ago, so my DP lent me an old one of his. I was using Outlook when I saw a load of old messages (3 years old). I know I shouldn't have, but I read them.

There were loads between him and an ex. (They were together in college (20 years ago), but she cheated on him and dumped him for someone else). It looks like they were in contact for over a year, and there are hundreds of them.

There's loads of reminiscing about the sex they had / exchanging of photos etc, but weirdly the mundane stuff is really hard to take. They seem so at ease with each other. It's so hard to read him being like that with someone else.

He must have been emailing her when I was in the room sometimes, and that seems like such a breach of trust :( Some are even when we were of holiday together ffs.

I don't know what to do. We've been together nearly 15 years and I thought we were really happy. I don't feel I can just ignore it, but I don't know what good will come of bringing it up. It's not like I can tell him to stop emailing her. It was over years ago.

Also, am I over reacting - it's only emails. She asked to meet up, but he said no, which is good isn't it? (although he didn't say it was because of me- he said it was because he might realise he wasn't as happy as he thought he was) :(

Sorry this is so long, just wanted some perspective about what I should do.

He might well have told himself that cheating is only cheating when it involves physical contact, but he knew damned well that he would regard it as cheating if you had been sending naked pictures of yourself to another man, wanking to the ones he sent you, reminiscing about the great sex you'd had and querying whether your husband really made you as happy as you'd thought. Don't make excuses for him. You know it's cheating and he knew it too.

I have had the very unhappy experience of trying to catch my h out when he did this very thing over 5 years- I kept finding the photos but nothing else, and all sorts of excudes were made re accidental doenloads from music sites blah blah.

My h went to very great lengths to deny, minimise and finally suggest I was imagining things.

And why? Because, amongst other reasons, he knew it was cheating.

And so does your h.

And that is one reason why you only discovered it by accident.

Feeling a bit numb now. All the emails going around in my head and these messages as well.

Need some time to sit and think it all through...

Feeling very low

:(

Take stock, have a think, then do what you feel is right.

Hugs x

He's just come home from work, but has gone straight out again (prearranged work do). I def know I need to talk to him. I felt like I was looking at a stranger

(((((hugs)))) You shouldn't have to be going through this

Stay strong but don't feel that you have to act "normally" - you've had a hell of a shock x

I hope you've managed to look at his laptop and phone OP. You've had such a horrible shock and I do feel for you. I understand why you need time to process all of this. I bet at times you felt like you were writing and reading about someone else. Thinking of you.

Thanks again everyone.

I've managed to look at his laptop while he's been out - and can't see any emails between them. Will try and look at his phone when I get the chance.

Have decided to confront him about it tomorrow evening. I don't think I'll be able to forget about it - so need to hear what he has to say.

Just checked his phone while he's in bed, nothing I can see there either.

Off to bed now - shattered

Oh I feel so sorry for you. I have been in almost the exact same position. It was awful and I was distraught. It took me a day or two to get the courage to say what I found and it was mortifying. He denied it was anything more than having a flirt/ playful banter and that I was over reacting.

You should look at the fact that he does not seem to have wanted to meet. This would have been a vile fantasy that probably quickly became too real and hence it all stopping.

However, I would consider it cheating, as I would consider what my oh did as cheating. I have decided to move on - now that he knows what my boundaries are I hope to goodness that it is all over for good. You can only make you decision when you speak with him and trust your instincts.

You must talk to him, I know it is so so hard as it will come out of the blue for him. But if you do not talk to him you will become very ill indeed. Take it slow, talk it through. Hope everything works out for you

Thanks idontbelieve. How long ago was it? How long did it take to feel anything like normal again?

Feeling very numb still today, and really don't want to talk to him about it - but know I have to.

Was your DH just emailing as well? Do you think they didn't meet just because it was a fantasy? I keep going back to his indecision about whether he wanted to meet / his comment about realising he might not be happy.