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Original poster

DP having to talk to women on night out

36 replies

Monica2012 · 19/04/2012 05:35

dp goes out every month with his best friend. His best friend does have a partner, but he's unfaithful. My dp is lovely. He's not the unfaithful type.

When dp and his friend go out, after a few drinks, dp's friend goes up to women in the bar and asks if they would like to join them at their table. Then, while dp's mate is all over one of the women in particular, the others usually talk to dp, and he has to make small talk with them. I'm really uncomfortable with this!

OP posts:

Original poster

Monica2012 · 19/04/2012 05:37

Oh and I always worry that dp could drink so much so much so that he's not in charge of his actions, and may make advances towards one of these women!

OP posts:

stainesmassif · 19/04/2012 06:23

I wouldn't be happy that my dh was complicit in his friend's philandering besides the potential risks to my relationship. Do you know his friend's partner?

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 19/04/2012 06:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 19/04/2012 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bucharest · 19/04/2012 06:37

The fact that your dp doesn't find it a moral issue to aid and abet his mate would have me extremely

It's not about the drunken women accosting him (IMO)

Warren's advice is good. The mate needs to go.

Doesn't your dp have any mates who aren't lowlife cheating scumbags he could go out with?

Thumbwitch · 19/04/2012 06:44

I would have big issues with this as well - and would probably be met with "But don't you trust me?" And the answer is generally yes, I do trust him - when he's in full possession of his faculties and there isn't someone coming onto him in a sexually charged environment.

In fairness, if I was drunk as a skunk and some nice-looking bloke was trying to snog me, I couldn't say for certain that I'd be compos mentis enough to repel him in a club situation! I'd like to think I would be, but I couldn't be certain. Since I can't be certain about myself, I definitely can't be certain about DH, even though I too believe that he is not the cheating type (neither am I, if it comes to that!)

I'd try and phase out said mate as well, as Warren managed to.

BelleDameSansMerci · 19/04/2012 07:40

Do you not talk to men if you go out? Not even socially? I'm baffled by this. Either you trust your partner in which case there is nothing to worry about (apart from his crappy choice of friends - and it's not only your DP who's complicit in deceiving his friend's partner, you are being dragged into it too) or you don't trust him and you need to get to the bottom of that.

You do seem to be putting your P in the position of "innocent potential victim" to me.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2012 07:41

what warren said

I would think less of my partner if he was regularly aiding and abetting his mate's tomcatting

JustHecate · 19/04/2012 07:44

Yes. Think of this man's poor partner. who probably thinks her partner is lovely and not the unfaithful type.

If I was your partner, I wouldn't be doing this. It is condoning what this 'man' is doing.

Houseofplain · 19/04/2012 08:05

Birds of a feather flock together.

Hai1988 · 19/04/2012 08:09

Sorry but am i the only one that thinks whats the harm hes only talking.

ProPerformer · 19/04/2012 08:20

I agree with Hai1988: I wouldn't mind at all if my hubby went out alone with a group of girls, let alone just met some at a pub and chatted!! I trust him! Similarly if DH minded me socialising with men when I went out..... I don't think I'd ever go out anywhere!!! Loads of my best friends are men and I love male company, my DH knows and trusts me enough to know that it doesn't mean I would, or even want to, jump into bed with them even if I did get drunk! (Which I don't do as don't drink much!) Also, being bi-sexual if my hubby did have issues like you seem to have OP he'd never let me out alone at all as I wouldn't even be safe with women!

You seriously have to ask yourself about trust... Yes his friend is a player but that doesn't mean your hubby is...... My best mate is a pro escort on the side( and also bi) and has a serious boyfriend who she hasn't told about it - just because I'm friends with her doesn't mean I condone it!

ProPerformer · 19/04/2012 08:22

Ps. Re-reading my post sounds harsh - not intended but I'll leave it as is as terrible at phrasing. X

PattyPenguin · 19/04/2012 08:25

So what's your partner getting out of this friendship? I mean, on the rare occasions when I go out with my friends, it's to talk to them, not to chat up random strangers. If your partner and his mate have a few drinks and a natter (do men natter?), then the mate starts chatting up girls, why doesn't your partner just dump him and go home? He's not getting his mate's company, only that of some random woman.

If his mate gets the hump about him not being a reliable wing man and goes off in a huff, I personally would say "job done".

PosieParker · 19/04/2012 08:33

What 'type' is the unfaithful type? I think, personally, it's anyone in the right circumstance with the right opportunity. My father, the uncheating type just left my mother for a woman younger than me.

Thumbwitch · 19/04/2012 08:45

I wouldn't have any issue with DH going out socialising with a group of girls/women. He wouldn't have any issue with me going out socialising with a group of men. Or mixed groups, in either case. But that's because we would be going out having a laugh, a few drinks and a good time - NOT going out specifically "on the pull", like the OP's partner's friend is.
It's a different environment, a different atmosphere and it's not the same as just socialising.

seeker · 19/04/2012 08:50

It's not the talking to other women that would bother me, it's him happily being his mate's wingman. Do you know the friend's partner?

FluffStar · 19/04/2012 08:51

I've had to do this with single friends occasionally and fwiw I would never have taken it further, no matter how drunk.

DH also has quite a big, flirty group of friends, some of whom are single so they often end up talking to groups of girls on nights out and it hasn't caused us any problems so far.

I can understand your worries though. Have you spoken to him, what does he say about it?

AgathaFusty · 19/04/2012 08:55

Why does your H bother going out with this friend if the friend just ignores him in favour of someone new for some/most of the evening? Doesn't sound like a fun night out to me.

FluffStar · 19/04/2012 08:58

Just seen that friend has a partner. I don't like that, it makes the whole situation quite underhand and creates the kind of atmosphere where the cheating is acceptable and your husband is almost bonded to him by the secrecy. Plus the fact that he sees his friend getting away with it so often, no harm done, can't be healthy.

Hullygully · 19/04/2012 09:02

Can't your dp just say to his friend, No thanks mate, I like to go out with you, but please find another mate to be your stooge when you're on the pull?

GinSlinger · 19/04/2012 09:05

he could just leave him to it and come home when his mate starts his carrying-on -

Hattytown · 19/04/2012 09:23

You know, even if I was going out with a single friend, I'd be irritated if she saw our evenings out as pulling fodder. When I meet up with a friend one-to-one, I want to catch up and talk uninterrupted. I'd be severely pissed off if she kept bringing blokes over and expecting me to keep the boring one entertained. I'd say no.

So there is no way in the world I'd do it for a mate who was attached. Your partner is acting as an accomplice to his friend's shitty behaviour and sorry, I don't think he's as innocent as you believe. I think he's getting something out of these nights himself if it's happened more than once - no-one needs it spelling out to him that this is crap behaviour and that his mate puts their friendship and his partner below his ego.

It's also massively disrespectful to you. Imagine you were a bystander in the club or pub, what would you see? You'd see two couples who'd just met wouldn't you? The bystanders don't know the circumstances after all - they just see your partner chatting up at least one new woman a month.

And there is no such thing as a cheating type. But your partner is already showing signs that he can carry the burden of deception isn't he? I'm presuming he knows this bloke's partner. How does he look her in the eye?

RoxyRobin · 19/04/2012 09:32

I used to find it enough of a pain when I was single and went out for a drink and a chat with a friend only to find her principal purpose was to pull a man - as if it was too boring to spend a convivial evening just talking to me. I just wouldn't countenance it as a married woman, and certainly wouldn't be complicit in infidelity.

Is your DP so much in thrall to his mate that he can't tell him to knock it on the head? Or does he get a cheap thrill by pulling these girls himself, knowing he can then announce your existence if 'his' girl starts trying to take things further?

Whatis the 'unfaithful type' anyway?

MissCeliaFoote · 19/04/2012 11:23

I agree with everything Hattytown has said.

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