DP having to talk to women on night out

[Monica2012]

dp goes out every month with his best friend. His best friend does have a partner, but he's unfaithful. My dp is lovely. He's not the unfaithful type.

When dp and his friend go out, after a few drinks, dp's friend goes up to women in the bar and asks if they would like to join them at their table. Then, while dp's mate is all over one of the women in particular, the others usually talk to dp, and he has to make small talk with them. I'm really uncomfortable with this!

What are the chances that your DP's mate is giving his partner the same story - he is just chatting to women so that your DP can pull and she is sitting at home feeling sorry for you?

My DH went out with his mate last Saturday night. His mate is single and ALWAYS on the lookout for women.....

In the club they went to, DH got some drinks in, and was IMMEDIATELY accosted by a woman who asked him if he was married, did he have kids.... DH answered yes to both, said 2 kids but due to be 3 any day now.....

Next question...... is wife here with you??????!!!!

When he said no, woman just said, oh well, you're fair game then and tried to snog him, at which point DH left club and came home and told me. I wasn't best pleased as it WAS 3am and I'm 39+4 pregnant, but we had a laugh about it, and there is no issue with DH going out and having a drink without me, and yes, even talking to women, dancing with women etc etc. He knows the boundaries and he doesn't cross them, regardless of how much he's drunk and the lack of action he's currently subjected to at home!!

Me on the other hand, I don't trust myself when I've had a drink and for that reason, I choose not to go out without my DH or without at least one mutual friend of us both who i wouldn't put in the position of having to lie or cover for me if i'd been unfaithful :(

I wouldn't want my partner to feel comfortable being complicit in the betrayal of someone else and I would hope he'd knock it on the head of his own volition. My DH has 'lost' a long-term friend as he did not want to hear about his friends extra-marital affairs and told him straight in no uncertain terms how badly he was behaving.
I understand why you are uncomfortable. I also think it's rude to use a friend as a 'wingman,' I'd be really fed up to be used like that.

The way your DP frames it, he makes it all sound like the mates doing. But is it really? Your DP 'has to' talk to these other women. If it bothered him and he was that reluctant why does he go out with the mate month after month.

As for 'the cheating type' HA! You just can't tell who will and won't cheat, you only have to read these boards to realise that. There is no 'cheating type'.

Your DP obviously enjoys these nights out as he continues with them month after month. He also has no problem helping his mate to cheat, he's not a dumb onlooker on these nights out. So his stance on cheating is obviously a lot more approving than you seem to believe. Never mind what he says his actions indicate differently.

scarletforya hits the nail on the head. Your partner clearly enjoys these outings, otherwise he'd stop going.

are you all 16 OP?

Oh and also Hattytown makes a very good point with;

It's also massively disrespectful to you. Imagine you were a bystander in the club or pub, what would you see? You'd see two couples who'd just met wouldn't you? The bystanders don't know the circumstances after all - they just see your partner chatting up at least one new woman a month

It crossed my mind that the only reason he has even told you his version of events is in case someone you know has seen him in these situations or may in the future, he has already primed you with a nice likely story.

Another point-

Some of us who have been the victims of infidelity have read a heap of books which end with advice on how to affair proof your marriage.

The key piece of advice is this:

• Only have friends of the marriage and neither of you should socialise with people who are not friends of your marriage or faithful in their own.

It stands to reason, really. As it doesnt just offer opportunity to him if he goes on these escapades, it also normalises infidelity in others over time, and therefore normalises it for him too.

It's never bothered me being wingman. If I want to spend quality time with my friends we meet up normally, if we want to dance and drink and (not in my case, obviously!) pull men we go out to nightclubs and meet people. I don't find it disrespectful to me at all not to have my friend's undivided attention in that kind of setting. Perhaps in my living room but not on a night out.

But the cheating thing is unacceptable and as someone else said, it could normalise infidelity in your husband's mind which is a problem.

It's not such an issue being a 'wingman' (yeah whatever), it's just they are BOTH behaving like single people on these nights out.

And yes your P is complicit in his friends philandering and enables it. I bet his friend doesn't behave like this on his own. He needs a "wingman" with him.

I'd be most interested in knowing what your P thinks about his friends behaviour - cause it seems to be he thinks it's rather cool Does he also socialise with friends (without you) that doesn't involve going to bars & chatting up women?

Whenever I dust off my dancing shoes and venture out with my girlfriends (all married) it is implicit that we are out for a good time WITH EACH OTHER.

All prospective seducers are promptly, with a smile, advised of the futility of their aspirations (my girls are gorgeous) and forgotten. No one would respect or condone one of us being "on the pull".

I used to have a friend that had ideas in that direction. Used to.

Toxic mate has to go.