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Original poster

husband left and now only wants to see son 3hours a week

26 replies

mrshess · 18/04/2012 21:36

Brief history
Husband had affair in 2008, i took him back after 3 months even though for the 3 months he hardly saw son and was unreliable.

Now left me for another woman a week ago and has proposed to see son mon,wed,thu for an hour as he works through the day and at weekend he has a hobby where he goes racing pretty much every weekend (this woman does it too) so he can only see him for about 3 hours a week

This really is taking the piss right i just think why bother and if my son didnt love him so much i would stop contact as he could see him at weekend he just chooses to do his hobby.

What do other people think?

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 18/04/2012 21:39

Propose a contact arrangement that you consider reasonable. See if he agrees to it.

(oh, and yes he is taking the piss. Who is he expecting will be doing pick-up and drop-off 3 times a week for an hour's visit, by the way?)

MushroomSoup · 18/04/2012 21:42

I think you are better off without him.
My advice would be to let him see your DS at the allotted times, because, as you say, DS loves his dad. Your DS will grow up knowing you have been there every step of the way but his dad popped in and out of his life. He will make his own mind up about his dad in time. You need do nothing but what YOU KNOW IS BEST.

Original poster
mrshess · 18/04/2012 21:42

This is the first week of the proposed arrangement and he has already let me down on saturday where on the rare occasion he isnt away but now he is.

He does actually come and drop off to be fair but that is the only thing he does

OP posts:
Original poster
mrshess · 18/04/2012 21:45

just realised i meant to post in lone parents so have reposted there as well

OP posts:
fiventhree · 19/04/2012 09:15

Can I offer you some advice which I took myself 20 years ago, after my last marriage had ended and when DD was very little?

Let him see his child as little as he wants.

Truly, I know this hurts, and goes against the grain.

But he will do that anyway- all the rows you have and all the agreements wont make him less selfish, wont make him put his child first, and wont make him listen to what is fair. It just wont.

All it would do to try to get him to increase access, is annoy and frustrate yourself.

So just say something like, yes, if thats what you want. I think it is poor parenting and totally selfish of you, but do what you want, and have him x days/hours.

Then move on with your life with no hope of better. You and DS will fill the gap he left, and as DS gets older Mr Selfish will either carry on as he is or will try to initiate more contact with his 'cool teenager'. Because he is a prat. And at that point, he will get short shrift from the child.

My daughter is now nearly 25, and sees her dad sometimes. He did try, unsuccessfully, to go 'clubbing' with her when she was 18 or so! She does love him and has him as part of her life, but she gives him the size of space in it, that he gave her as a child, IYSWIM. He has made that completely natural for her, she doesnt even see it herself, I dont think. So if she has a week off at Xmas, she arranges to spend 6 days with me and one with him, and is quite confused and surprised if he is huffy!

Mama1980 · 19/04/2012 09:26

Hi no personal experience but a similar thing happened to a very close friend they have 2 ds then 1 and 3 and after the birth of ds 2 her husband left her for another woman and proposed seeing his sons for 2 hours every Sunday. She begged and pleaded and did everything she could to facilitate contact as the eldest in particular adored his dad. However obviously a couple of hours a week is not enough and now 2 years later he doesn't see them at all and they don't want to see him. She stopped bothering when she realised he was not going to change it was all on his terms at the end and then he just didn't bother. So I would say never stop him but otherwise it's up to him. She was much happier once she accepted his attitude. Sucks though op, I hope you are doing well.

oldwomaninashoe · 19/04/2012 09:34

Fiventhree speaks very wise words!

exmrs · 19/04/2012 18:25

thank you everyone, i am going to let him see son for his times that he wants and when we get a separation agreement i will put he is allowed regular accesss just a bit of notice is needed so he cant say i have kept son from him years later when he regrets it or son doesnt want to know

exmrs · 19/04/2012 18:26

that should say extra access on top of when he sees him

bucketbetty · 19/04/2012 18:35

Hi op. I've been in this position for nearly 2 years now and agree entirely with fiven. For your own sanity just give him whatever access he wants. He won't change and he won't even see anything wrong in what he's doing so no point in raising your blood pressure and stress levels. You and your child will be just fine. Im afraid you're not alone. There's a whole world of men just like your ex out there but equally there are also a whole lot of lovely men too. I've yet to bag myself one but I'm hopeful. :)

Lueji · 19/04/2012 21:54

Just make sure you demand enough advance notice.

I've often been told that it's best to have clear arrangements so that they are not abused.

I can already see your ex missing appointments and then asking for a new time 5 min before he wants to pick him up.

exmrs · 20/04/2012 07:41

sadly lueji i dont think he will see son more, i think he wants a new life free from responsibility

ledkr · 20/04/2012 07:49

gosh arent they fucking amazing.My ex sees our dd for a couple of hours on a Sunday and never bothers with our 21 yr old son. I cant believe this is the man who cried at their births.

As the dd of a man who hardly bothered and now wants to re connect cos he is old and lonely,trust me it will all work itself out in the end.

I support my dd in her delight at Daddys fabulous no effort visits but thats the best for her so i will continue to do so.

On a more positive note,now i am re married it does leave us free to enjoy a family life without having to split weekends xmas and holidays-every cloud.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 20/04/2012 08:05

fiventhree - that is the best advice I have ever read on here

rubyrubyruby · 20/04/2012 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurrySpice · 20/04/2012 08:22

I know I shouldn't be by now, but I am shocked, appalled and flabbergasted every time I read about these selfish so-called fathers.

OP I hope you're ok Sad

exmrs · 20/04/2012 09:35

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply, i must admit i was worried how im going to manage when he first left but i know i can do this.
I know that sounded really cheesy but the advice given has made me feel more positive and i am going to have to accept i have done all i can to keep contact with my son its him doesnt want it.

Theyremybiscuits · 20/04/2012 09:42

I've stopped bending over backwards trying to up the contact times with my STBXH and the DC.

I now leave it up to him to contact us when he wants to meet up with the kids.

He sees them approximately every six weeks or so for an hour (two at the most) and he works 3 mins away from us and lives in same village.

They are fab aren't they...

HereIGo · 20/04/2012 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fengirl1 · 20/04/2012 09:54

FWIW as long as children are ok with it I think the best thing is to carry on and let the kids work out for themselves which parent is there for them.....

midwife99 · 20/04/2012 10:01

I agree. My ex filed for divorce when DD was 6 weeks old. He took me to court for a contact order of every saturday night. I agreed but a few months later I had to take her away to a wedding & she wasn't available. He took me back to court for a penal order (ie have me sent to jail for breaking a court order)! The judge tore him off a strip & awarded costs & changed the order to a flexible one with a week's notice on my side if DD wasn't available. Since then he sees her roughly 2 days a month unless he's busy & then he doesn't bother & cancels. He goes on holiday without her (she's now 8) & she doesn't like seeing him. The lesson I learnt was get a flexible arrangement & don't expect ex to stick to what he demands anyway!!!

CurrySpice · 20/04/2012 10:17

I may give my ex a hug when I see him later!

This behaviour just breaks ny heart and seems all too common

suzy82 · 20/04/2012 15:41

Agree with lots of the comments on here. My ex would constantly let my kids down and now sees youngest DS maybe once a week for an hour or two, if that. Consequently the older two now lead their own lives and can't be bothered to make contact with their dad as he's never been there for them. Give him what he wants, don't get yourself stressed (he's not worth it) and children, once older, are more than capable of making their own decisions. Just make sure you're always there for your child and don't say anything against ex - the kids remember who was there when they were ill, needed a hug or whatever 24/7.

porcamiseria · 20/04/2012 15:45

Oh how sad
how can he not want to see his son, this is fucking heartbreaking

Think you need to plan on a life that is financially and emotionally dependant from him

so sorry for your boy

you are well rid though

what fiventhree said, very good advice xxxxxx

BeattieBow · 20/04/2012 15:50

oh I was so surprised when my H seemed to be happy with a few hours once a week - he was apparently the most doting of fathers. I just let him see them when he wants to, don't restrict him at all. so once a week it is.

I suspect it will be even less if/when he gets a new partner. I don't know how these men do it - I would be heartbroken not to see my children every day really.