Thank you, Boring.
I did know quite well that you didn?t come on the site to cause offense. It was clear from what you said that you were trying to reassure the OP. For myself, it was useful as well, as it confirmed what my own h has said to me during a trying period where I had been lied to so much that I did not know really what to believe. So I bear you no ill will whatsoever.
Also, you are right, it did need saying. And thank you too, as I needed to say it, and to someone such as yourself.
My h didn?t use a webcam either, but did request photos. Out of interest, he has also now told me since this was revealed that he has similar BDSM fantasies. The fact he chose NOT to share those with me over 22 years is his issue, not mine. He didn?t want to admit it to himself, and clearly had a tiny bit of a Madonna/whore thing going on. Although, in his case, how it works is: ?middle class boy from dysfunctional family fucks up at school but gets nice grammar school graduate to marry him so he can feel less worthless himself, and then choose not to ?taint? the relationship with his truth?. And a working class one to boot, to support his shiny socialist image.All that is true, but also convenient for him, I would say.
In terms of vulnerable women, my h has said that he never asked their age and in fact it wasn?t of relevance to him. I believe that. However, he also admits that very many of them were under 25, and some as young as 18. Personally, I don?t doubt for a minute that a few claimed to be 18 but were younger, as I did a Yahoo search on pool and heard that this was the case on occasion. I do think the size of that age difference anyway is horrible, ie 18/50, more so where the older one is the man, and with daughters older than that.
In addition, I do think that, if it were me doing it, I would have had to ask myself whether some of those women were very troubled in their lives, and whether approaching them in this way was likely to perpetuate their issues, or worsen them. The evidence is that in most cases people who become addicted to this do have many troubles, and often from their past. At the very least, they are conflicted and maybe stressed. Yes, they have chosen to, and also other people would approach them if not me, but does that make it right if I do? It seems to me it doesn?t.
Do you see what I mean? It is about personal responsibility. My h, for instance, was initially disgusted when I suggested to him that he would therefore be OK if someone approached our own daughters like this (they are nearly 16 and 24). That made me very angry with him, as it is not acceptable for something to be OK for you to do, at the same time take a view that it is not OK for others to do to your offspring, is it? Everyone is somebody?s child.
In your case, there does not seem to be the same level of overt dishonesty at home going on, as there has been in mine, so well done for that. Although we both know that the damage is about more than this, as the behaviour does become addictive over time and diverts you from alot of other personal and family stuff you could be doing, with knock on consequences for other family members.
I am very glad for you that you have decided to stop. Quite frankly, there is plenty of room for fantasy fun within a marriage, in most cases. Vanilla is a funny term, anyway, I think, and most of us are quite open to experimentation. After a long marriage, especially. It can be quite dull being only the ?vanilla? wife, and my h was a bit surprised to find that out. Not that he could probably remember that well, given the effect his private sex life online eventually had on our own.
Finally, can I recommend to you two book, both by Patrick Carnes.
One is called ?Out of the Shadows- understanding Sexual addiction?, and the other is ?the betrayal bond- breaking free of exploitative relationships?. Whilst I think that the notion of sex addiction per se is very problematic, compulsive may be a better way of looking at it, I do think you ill find both of those books (which are quite different) revelatory, as will your h. They can be bought second hand for under a fiver each on amazon.