Advice needed re: husband is lying to me

[Buckfollocks]

Follow on from 'do you actually trust your husbands' thread. I have found out that my husband has been lying to me. I am pregnant and confused about what to do. I have found out that he has registered on an escort/porn site and had tried to make contact with an escort. The message was not replied to on the site but that doesn't really mean much does it?

Please tell me what to do and hold my hand and help me to stop crying. He is away at the moment. Back tomorrow. I feel sick every time I think about what to do next............

Thanks

Oh shit. Firstly I think I would gather as much info as you can, search PC for history, trackers and cookies. People rarely admit to more than they have to. I would also search my bank statements to see if anything is unusual. I would also get my shit in order.

What is your gut saying?
Could you continue in your relationship knowing this?

sorry.

I also would say trust your instincts and go looking for other evidence whilst he is away and unaware.

The way he reacts when you do decide to confront him will probably tell you loads (if somehow it is your fault for finding out, or he is angry etc then you know he's not a keeper in my opinion)

Hi BuckFollocks, glad you have abandoned the first thread, it was not useful! When I was heavily pregnant around last christmas I found out that my partner had been using/downloading 'rape porn' and registering on dating/no strings sex websites whilst I was pregnant (my son will be 3 weeks old soon) I had a long running thread about it on here a few wks after.

I swept it under the carpet after the initial horror/fights/etc, in order to get through the pregnancy and birth and stay sane for our other two children. Felt better to 'take control' and be totally neutral to him, and prioritise what I needed to worry about at the time. (not let him ruin it further)

I am supposed to be dealing with the whole mess right now (emotionally/practically I mean, eg. deciding what to do) but everything is increasingly getting on top of me. Btw, he was a 'family man', trusted and respected by everybody including me, an 'honest upstanding man' and all that shit...And then this

He lied to me in a massive way when i was very vulnerable carrying his child, I thought I might be able to power through it but it is increasingly on my mind again and I will be watching your thread with interest, I know exactly how shitty you feel and am here for you if needed. Sorry to hear that you seem to have found the twin brother to my partner, in terms of twattery

How are you feeling today? Please don't worry about letting your emotions out; when i found out about my P, I went numb and sealed it away as much as poss. This is somewhat biting me on the bum right now The stress won't unduly affect your unborn child, my son is lovely and relaxed despite going through me being distraught whilst in hospital with middle DD early in the pregnancy and also the upset of P being a total knob during pregnancy. Look after yourself foremost, building up self esteem issue plays a huge part and it is hard, almost too hard, but can be done x

And YY to the thorough search of the PC history etc, including finding hidden files (google how to find them) because he probably wont admit to ANYTHING that you haven't got concrete proof for unfortunately. My P lied despite the evidence being right there on PC and mobile. I have no idea still if he really cheated, or if he's got access to it elsewhere and soforth. But like someone said on your first thread, what you have discovered is already 'enough', men who love you and want to be with you faithfully and honestly do not seek escorts/dating websites/disgusting morally bankrupt porn in secret

And one more thing have a huge unMN hug.

Here's some help in finding hidden files...here

Check credit card statements, search internet history for unusual sites visited such as credit card companies (in case he has set up a secret account), check deleted email folders, trash bin on laptop/PC and make copies of everything you find.

Mobile phone bills is another thing you could check.

Write down all the things you have found - that way you have a record and know you are not going mad/insane when your H denies anything.

Good luck x

Yes, advance search- ie with dates etc. I used to click on videos and photos separately, and also click the button 'show hidden files'.

Copy everything and send it to yourself ie to your own email.

Absolutely, it is a very rare cheater who will admit when confronted. And an even rarer one who voluntarily confesses.

From what I've seen from threads on this board, escorts normally don't correspond on the site itself once a booking has been attempted. They communicate via the email address that was used to register on the site. So your best bet is to find his secret email account.

I don't think it matters very much whether he's gone though with a booking. I'm sure he has, but in any case the intent was there and it tells you a great deal about the man you're partnered with. A man who feels entitled to buy a woman for sex is in a different league to a man who had an affair with someone he regarded as his equal. Men who pay for sex are at heart misogynists who think that women are an inferior species.

I think when you're pregnant you are more vulnerable than ever and so it makes the offence worse in my view. Men who do this when their partners are pregnant do so because they think you are too weak and trapped to leave them. They trade on your feelings of helplessness and think you will suck it up because you're vulnerable and desperate. If you were independent and in a relationship of equals, he might not have dared. As it is, he probably thinks there are no consequences to this and will lie to you about the money he is spending on his habit. That's relevant too because what often gets overlooked on these threads is the financial infidelity involved when in a relationship with a man who pays for sex in all its forms, whether it's porn or prostitutes. Worse if it's both.

The main thing is that you don't need proof, but because he will lie to you and you know that he will, you might feel you need it for your own sanity. So go right ahead and get it if it makes you feel better. But in a way it's redundant if you intend to stay with him or leave him. It's more important I think to realise your own worth and decide that no man who pays for sex is worthy of a relationship with you. If more women insisted they weren't going to put up with men like this, fewer would think they could get away with it consequence-free. Ultimately it's not your responsibility to keep this relationship going if it means you compromise your integrity and values as a woman.

hatty thanks for the info about them not replying to the site itself,I was wondering if perhaps they had a different method of replying. I have accessed the email account that he used to register on the site and there doesn't seem to be any reply there either. He didn't put his phone number on the message. Anyway, you're all right, it doesn't really matter either way, the intent was there and will have been acted on somehow. We are in London so really he only has to take a short stroll round soho if he's really desperate.

I can't access his bank account due to those little number generator thingies which he has on his key ring. He has another email account which I can't work out the password for...... Just call me miss frigging marple. I don't think that one is as active though.

We've moved to a different area within London so I still have friends here but they are a bit further away. I can't face talking to anyone in RL about this at the moment.

Thanks for the info on how to check deleted files too. Will be having another check tonight when Dd is in bed and I can concentrate a bit!

Can't face the reality of what is abouts to happen.

Thanks twopeas for your input too, can't believe how similar our stories are, makes me feel a bit sick. Congrats on birth of your baby, and thanks for reassuring methat the stress shouldn't adversely affect this baby, you read my mind!!

Am considering new career as private investigator or computer hacker. Don't they generally get arrested though?

Thread should have been called 'help my heart is breaking'

You poor woman. And when pregnant too.

Personally, I would get up in the night if necessary to look at this bank account. Anyway, why is he so secretive. My h had all the passwords too- it sort of happened over time, as I kept forgetting them in the early innocent days. It sisnt matter then, of course, and meant I didnt have to do money stuff on top of everything else, but how I came to regret it. I have them now though.

There are other ways to look too eg you can install a spy thing on the computer- but so not do this if he has Norton anti virus. I did after a poster recommended it, and Norton picked it up.

Once the date for the booking had been agreed and it had passed, he would have deleted the messages and the contents of the trash folder for that account. There would be no reason to keep the E mails. There is no such thing as 'brand loyalty' with prostitutes and he would probably have gone for a different one next time. Credit card statements and cash withdrawals on dates proximate to or on days when his whereabouts cannot be verified (i.e. when at work, the gym or socialising without you) are probably your best source.

hatty is there any way I can recover that information? I do feel like I need to prove it for myself, even though I know it's a bit pointless. It will make me feel stronger when I confront him about it.

I don't know how to retrieve deleted mail items or even whether that is possible, but this might help find other email accounts on any PCs or laptops. What browser do you use? On Mozilla firefox there is a way to view saved passwords that I can talk you through, but would imagine it's in tools and security on most browsers.

Hi CHarlea

It is Adultwork, I have his user name and log in for that already as I asked for a new one to be sent to his hotmail acoount. Have also tried the deleted messages thing on hotmail and just got my msg about the username password reminder.

How does adult work operate then? There seems to be no correspondance from anyone to his account on there and the message is highlighted which is supposed to mean that the recipient didn't read it....

I don't know how to PM people , only to reply to a pm to me - can't see how to do it when I click on your profile.

How do I delete the password request from his hotmail account permanently?

Also can I check when he last logged in to adultwork, and can he see that someone else has been logging on (ie me) on his account?

Thanks for your help

Charlea her name is soft&wet. I've tried looking but can't find anything. He has no credits history, no feedback, has been a member since 21/12/11 and has only sent that one message. He has not put his number as far as I can tell following you (fab) instructions. Profile is pretty empty. No saved hot lists or anything.

Are you able to check if she is still working etc or has maybe name changed?

This is turning into a bit of a silly chase but I just feel like I want some actual proof to show him that I know. and to stop him being able to deny it.

Although I know he will try anyway if other peoples experiences are anything to go by.

oh - the email was asking availablitly for the next two days.

I can't really give any helpful advice but thought I would share my friends experience.

Her XH did a similar thing, she came home early unexpectedly and he close down the laptop very quickly. Later she looked at the history and managed to log back into a dating website he had regularly been on. He had sent and received numerous messages.

When she confronted him he still denied it and turned the whole thing round on her (that was her 100% solid proof right there in his reaction). She told him to leave the family home immediately so he left her and moved straight in with someone he had been chatting to on the website.

When you confront him of course it is better to have as much evidence as possible, it is possible his mobile will have some sort of evidence but don't expect him to admit it. If he is really angry at you and turns things round on you then you are probably right in your accusations, if he is deeply hurt and upset and genuinely seems to have a reason for this (not sure what that could be though) you may be wrong in what you have seen.

Er not always. My h was angry sometimes and 'understanding at how I had managed to arrive at such a mistaken conclusion' at other times.

BF, if your h has asked for availablility over a specific period, it does look very likely that he found a way, doesnt it?

The key thing is, you will only ever have this one opportunity to catch him by surprise, and also to look in a fairly unhindered way.

After that, if he denies and you stay, you will be playing cat and mouse for years, and he will always be one step ahead of you. Also, as using prostitutes is so socially embarrassing , he will have even more reason to deny, wont he?

Do take your time, and if he suspects you are anxious, make up a reason, until you have found out all you possibly could have.

fiveenthreee, you are probably right and maybe that was too generalised. I still think there would be a degree of genuinely understanding and expaining maybe even if he was angry. I really may be wrong, these are all just our opinions so its just advice etc based on our own experiences.

To thoroughly delete from hotmail (and most email services), delete it and then go to the deleted folder and deleted again. You should get a warning message that it will be permanently deleted. For this reason, BF, print out or write down anything you might need.

Very impressed by your instructions, charlearose! Not that I need any doings with Adultworks, but I've saved your posts just in case ...

I am so sorry for your distress, BF. I'm also glad you're getting your head around the facts and have found support regarding your fears for your pregnancy :) Do contact a good friend as soon as you're able, it helps to ground you. Hopefully there's someone you can just ask to meet and discuss a 'problem', then let it out when you see them.

Not very mumsnet, but ((((( hugs )))))