log of events to keep me strong

[leavesoon]

soo I am going to leave my shitty partner. I can't do it today because of various difficulties but I will be gone by the summer. The thing is, for no rational reason I keep getting sucked back in to giving things one last shot. Ultimately I feel like I can't get rid of the 'fantasy' of what Ithought my life would be.
Today I returned from work to be met with the news that he owed money to one of his 'mates' for cannabis which he has a long standing addiction to. When we were first together I stood by him through a serious addiction to cocaine. The odd spliff I tolerated now and again because tbh although it is not for me; I don't consider hash any worse than the odd glass of wine. He has also a history of problem binge drinking so has been teetotal for nearly 6 months. Anyway I digress, he was desperate for this money , fifty quid,which I did'nt have. He doesnt work due to a medium term disability and I had given him his weekly personal money of £100 only yesterday # I work , he brings and picks up kids from school# He was hassling me to ask SIL for money but his brother is already not talking to him because of money.
So then he starts on about how he is going to ask our lovely but equally cash strapped neighbour for a loan. I caved at this point and gave himthe money so I am broke now til Friday, when I get paid.
Just to add that I manage all money because he is a gambler also. He makes me sick.
My job is actually a traineeship, involving college and work placements, the money is crap and we can't afford it. Two weeks ago he left me in the lurch because I wouldnt give him money, stormed out and I didnt see him for 4 days, missed work and now have to make up hours.

Reading this, I have absolutely no idea why you are even in a relationship with this man. What on earth has kept you with him?! He sounds more like a sulky teenager than a grown man.
I don't mean to sound flippant but why are you still there?

thanks for replying; Rationally I dont know. I feel sorry for him . He like all abusive twats, is lovely at times. Ilive abroad in his country, i have no family here. My parents had a shitty r/ship so I only realised a couple of years ago that this wasnt normal.
It's all bullshit really, there have been far worse incidents in the past, I'm just paralysed by it all. He has done such a job on me.

Hey leavesoon, look out the window, summer's a long time coming. You write like you're an intelligent woman, I ditto Mushroom - Why?

Ok, you've just re-iterated why you need to be free of this dick.

There's no GRRRR emoticon....oh -

hey there, thanks ..here is the problem;I am intelligent, confident in everything except this r/ship. Ihave made him leave on many occasions but always give in because I am afraid that he has the capacity to totally self destruct ie become an actual tramp/ and that will damage the dcs - stupid huh?
I have tried to end things before but because of money, kids, no help etc. always cave :(

oh god I am pathetic..

You are not responsible for his life - drugging, drinking, gambling or if he tops himself.
Everything he does in his life is his own choice.

Stop enabling him with money.

You sound co-dependent. Melody Beattie has a brilliant book on the subject.

www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

yeah maybe,
I do know it's wrong though.
I realise he is an ass, I have detatched myself in many ways. I used to think it was my fault,.If I was a better wife, mother, housekeeper bla bla..
I know it is his choice. I will look at that book, I already have the Lundy one.

So what is going to change 'in the summer' and when does summer start for you?

well , I will have enough money to fund things correctly, in a way which I won't go back on. DC1 age 11 will be finshed primary so best for him to move before secondary. I will have completed enough module in work / college to be able to transfer to a similar position in the UK.

It all sounds good. Have plan B ready just in case.

(a wee wave to Izzy)

please excuse my typing, I am v.tired.
Yeah if things kick off I'm just gonna go.
He is clever though, he behaves himself when he knows I might be about to snap.

These tossers are never short of animal cunning and they always know when they're dangerously close to pushing you over the edge.

Don't wait for things to kick off - make your plans and leave while the going's good.

You don't seem like you have made your mind up yet. Not completely. If you leave him then you are not responsible as to whether or not he self destructs.
Let him get on with it. Don't give him any more money FFS. I wish someone would give ME £100 for picking the kids up Grrrrr.
If you mean to transfer to a UK college in Sept you need to do it NOW.
Get on with that, tell him you're leaving and bloody get on with it.
Sorry to be do harsh but I can't believe that such an intelligent, confident woman puts up with a man 'behaving himself' when he knows you're cross. That's not a MAN, it's an 8 year old! And a hell of a role model for your DS.

Mushroom, you are like the sound of my rational brain. I agree with you 100 percent but I am not going to run off into the night. DCs have moved too much already and I have to make sure that I go for good this time, I have done the heat of the moment ending of the r/ship and it doesnt work.
You are wrong about one thing - I am leaving. That is why I stared this thread so if I waver I can come here and read through/ post all the shitty things he will invariably do .

I simply couldn't share my one and only precious life with such a Loser

good luck, OP, keep pushing and make your plans

when you waver, ask yourself if you want to be making this same thread in 1, 5, 10 years time and see any of your kids growing up to follow the appalling example he sets

I was a bit harsh then
I do believe you will leave. But I think you do need to 'start' leaving sooner rather than later. Make the plans. Then you'll be completely ready to go when the time is right.
I like being a Rational Brain I might have to change my username!

ha! not harsh mushroom; just honest .
:)
AF, this is my motivation, to give my poor kids but esp. my eldest dc something that I never had : normality, before his child hood is over.

you can do it, leavesoon

don't leave it too late...a childhood is gone in the blink of an eye

plans are being made, cash being stashed, getting passports sorted.
I am angry that I have to completely disrupt my dcs lives but I know he won't facilitate an amicable arrangement.
His public face will take a bashing and he will not like it one bit.

You're not disrupting your DCs' lives. You're settling them x

Thanks , what a positive way to look at things. :) Gotta love mumsnet it's like free Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Lol I'll send you a bill x

ohh God had to call in sick today :(. He is still asleep on the sofa, one of the dcs is sick. I can't wait for a time when mine and my kids lives are not dictated by his shitty behaviour.

I've said this on other threads, but here it is again: sometimes you need to take action before you "feel" it's right. It's enough to "know" it's right. Go through the steps of leaving like a robot, and your feelings will catch up with you in the end.

I'm not saying this is easy, and it's hard to fight the temptation to go back. But you can't trust your feelings while you are being actively manipulated, so you have to overrule them.

The other alternative is that you just have to wait to hit rock bottom. Depends how many more years of shit you're willing to put yourselves and your dcs through.