Racist DH or am I being oversensitive?

[chipping]

DH (White, British) frequently puts on accents - Chinese, Asian, West Indian etc.
I have in the past laughed it off & changed the subject. I am British/West Indian, brought up in the north, have a northern accent. I have always dealt with racism by ignoring it, not challenging it.

Last weekend DH was encouraging the DCs to put on W Indian accents & told me to join in. I told him I didn't find it funny, it upset me & that I had always found it offensive. He then said I was very strange, stupid, a wierdo etc. He was very condescending. I didn't take it further as I found the situation uncomfortable.

Maybe I am being oversensitive, I had years of racism as a child, with people putting on 'the accent' in 'jest'

What do you think??

Why does he assume these accents. Is it to mock different races/cultures or it is part of telling a joke on the lines of 'the Englishman, Welshman, and Scotsman' etc?

I'd be cheesed off that he didn't take the fact I was upset about it seriously, in your shoes.

Is he 'mocking' the accent?

Hmmm its hard to say really without hearing what he is saying etc, I wouldnt like to judge doing accents isnt really racist but could easily be misconstrued. It is very easy to jump on the "racist" thing which I find equally as uncomfortable as racism really. Things acceptable when I was a child are now not - he may not see it as being racist if that makes sense?? If its something he has always done I mean its just a thing he does.I slip into a brum accent sometimes and a southwest accent - I mean nothing by it

However if it makes you uncomfortable he should be a bit more respectful for sure, what does he say? I mean is he condescending? I dont really like the idea of him encouraging the kids to if you dont like it, have you told him how you feel?

I told him I didn't find it funny, it upset me & that I had always found it offensive. He then said I was very strange, stupid, a wierdo etc. He was very condescending

OP, this is the part I find rather awful, calling you a stupid weirdo?????? Doesn't sound like a very nice person at all.

I don't think it matters whether he was being malicious or light-hearted; the fact you find it upsetting should be enough to make him stop. The fact he got so angry with you shows that he knows he was skating on thin ice, I reckon.

Like you say, even in jest it can be upsetting, and he hasn't encountered racism like you have. Frankly he should know better, being married to a West Indian woman and having mixed race children.

You aren't strange, stupid, a weirdo. Does he usually criticise you like this?

If you want him to stop, he should stop, racist or not.

I am a white British male. My wife's dad was West Indian and had a strong Barbados accent, though she speaks with a lovely scouse lilt. Your husband may have been unaware that it upset you before, but he is now. He obviously isn't racist, but he is being an insensitive berk.

Eh he called you stupid, strange and a weirdo. I wouldn't really be worrying about him being racist, I'd be worrying about him being a cruel ignorant bastard.

I'm Australian and DH always used to try to get me to "do" an Australian accent. I know this can't really be classed as racism, as we are both white, but I didn't like it, and that was the issue.

(We used to walk around speaking to each other in a German accent, though, and both thought this was hilariously funny )

So, as you don't like it, perhaps you could say, once the moment has passed, that you don't like it, and would prefer he didn't do it any more.

Racist? No idea, although I would never mock British born jamaican dp (is that how you say it?) like that.

Rude, offensive, disrespectful and twattish? Yes.

'told me to join in' sounds like bullying.
Calling you a very strange stupid weirdo (bad anyway and very bad in front of your children), however, sounds like an serious issue to me.
Racism is in the very air we breathe, but I would seriously think about sharing air with this tosser man with issues.

What is it about it that makes you feel so offended? Is he mocking when he speaks like this or is he just trying to see how good he is at the particular accent? That makes all the difference imo.

I ask because we do this a lot, it's hilarious listening to our different versions of Glaswegian (which always ends up Liverpudlian) and I can't even get my tongue around the Birmingham accent! I'd never make it in acting!

Dp (see above) reckons racist - would he walk up to a person of colour in the street/supermarket/pub and say the same thing?

He obviously isn't racist

I disagree. It isn't obvious whether he is being racist or not, but it doesn't sound very nice, especially when accompanied by abuse and mockery of you.

At the least, he seems to be trotting out some lazy stereotypes which aren't good things for your children to be picking up. Why is it so important for him to do this notwitstanding your unease? I cannot imagine my (white) DH behaving like this to me (bi-racial white/black) and if he did I'd tear a strip off him a mile wide.

If you dont like it and have told him, yet he persists in offending you, he is a tosser.

a truly racist person wouldn't marry someone of a diffrent race, that's why it's 'obvious', But he sounds like a bully.

Agree with everyone else. Dh not racist, or wouldn't have married you and would make snide comments about your family all the time.

The way he reacted though was NOT good. Perhaps you are being over sensitive, but he didn't need to ram the point home by name calling.

Are there other issues going on in your marriage?

i come from a v multicultural country. back home, it's normal for "mixed" groups of friends to gently mock each other and pull each other up in jest about stereotypes, and so on. this includes accents and that sort of humour.

BUT

the moment you see you've hurt someone or made someone squirm, there's only one thing to do. say sorry, sincerely, and put an arm around your friend. be nice ffs. it's a privilege to have enough trust between friends to joke about a loaded issue, so treat it as such.

hence, imo your DH is out of order.

a) i assume that whatever he was saying in this accent made you feel bad.
b) he was doing this in front of his mixed-race children.
c) he was haranguing you (which is bad enough), also in front of the children (even worse)
d) he didn't say sorry when you showed your hurt
e) he went so far as to call you names instead...

nasty and wrong. (c), (d) and (e) are bad enough, throw (a) and (b) in there and it becomes a nasty racist bullying incident and i don't blame you for feeling awful about this.

i'm sorry this happened to you and i hope you can find resolution somehow. i hope he can find it in him to apologise at the very least.

also let's not bother trying to define the OP's H as "a racist" or "not a racist". there's no such thing as either.

you can be a very nice person who gives to anti-racism charities and has a spouse of another race, and still do/think things that are racist. pretending that "only racists" do or think or mean certain things is what makes racism such a difficult thing to talk about imo.

Thanks for your replies, it helps to get another perspective on things.

There are other 'issues' regarding our relationship & I have started to doubt my own judgement. If I try to discuss things that have upset me, or even just express my opinion, his form of defence is usually to ridicule & name call. Not good.

Chipping

Don't doubt your own judgement.

My dm is from different ethnic origin from my UK white father. He never ever once copied her accent or made reference to her country of birth or race in any form or encouraged me to do so. I'd be uncomfortable with that.

My dh is from overseas - we don't ape each other's foreign accents when speaking each others' languages.

I can't quite put my finger on it but it might be that it's basically saying to kids you're like me and she (your mother) is different. That's how it would make me feel.

His reaction is really shitty. He doesn't sound like a very nice person.

I have also recently started to trace my side of the family (complicated). the Dcs have been really interested & we are going to meet some relatives for the first time in the summer holidays. DH has said he won't come with us.

He made an odd (sarcastic) comment, that we would all be going out to expensive restaurants as they would obviously all be very wealthy & successful (I have no interest in their wealth/success/etc, I just want to get to know them). (DHs family is 'old money' wealthy).

This has also started discussions with the DCs regarding slavery, Dh has been less than supportive, saying it doesn't matter as the DCs are white, like him.

The Dcs know about their 'white' background, but they are now interested in their West Indian roots. Maybe DH feels threatened?

Chipping - your last post really worries me.

?????

he tells his children they are "white"? and that they therefore need not know about slavery?

sweet Jesus. i'm sorry but your DH doesn't sound threatened. he sounds either completely clueless or a total knob. possibly a combination of the two.