Racist DH or am I being oversensitive?

[chipping]

DH (White, British) frequently puts on accents - Chinese, Asian, West Indian etc.
I have in the past laughed it off & changed the subject. I am British/West Indian, brought up in the north, have a northern accent. I have always dealt with racism by ignoring it, not challenging it.

Last weekend DH was encouraging the DCs to put on W Indian accents & told me to join in. I told him I didn't find it funny, it upset me & that I had always found it offensive. He then said I was very strange, stupid, a wierdo etc. He was very condescending. I didn't take it further as I found the situation uncomfortable.

Maybe I am being oversensitive, I had years of racism as a child, with people putting on 'the accent' in 'jest'

What do you think??

I am also disturbed, and really feel the posters saying 'But he is married to a black woman, so can't possibly be racist' are talking bollocks, as is proven by your last post.

He is denying his children their racial and cultural heritage. He sounds quite nasty and insecure. What is he like generally?

My children are mixed race and it is so, so important that they know and understand their heritage - crucial in fact, to their sense of identity and self- esteem. Does he not understand this? THEY ARE NOT WHITE. Knobber!

Don't know if it is relevant, but his family, a couple of generations ago were 'slave owners' - DHs description.

I think this one is down to him rather than his family history. He has choices - he's making the wrong ones in terms of how he views his kids.

I am in a mixed relationship. I am white and OH is black.

It is very important to both of us that our children are bought up to be proud of who they are and all aspects of their background.

That 'it doesnt matter because they are white like me' is a big red flag to me.

They are who they are and the fact that their skin is light does not negate their heritage.

Its like saying 'they can 'pass' so we dont have to bother about the black stuff'

I wouldnt dream of aping my OH's accent. He is a Londoner but when with his family they slip back to their sing song gyanese accents. I have asked him to read certain story books in his accent for the DCs but I dont think that is in the same league as your OH.

I like him to say 'I want to watch the cricket' like his dad used to because it makes me smile and remember his dad.

But these are affectionate, family things - not crude Jim Davidson piss take

Dh is London-Guyanese, too@MrsDevere . His dad was Jamaican, though, and I get him to read Anansi stories in a Jamaican accent. They so much better than when read in my janet Street Porter-twang

OP, this is all really worrying. It sounds like he has no respect for you.

chipping i don't think his family's past is relevant. tbf i would say the majority of white English people have a slave owner somewhere at least on the distant branches of the family tree. let's face it, it was a widespread practice once.

i presume he was born in the 20th century and lived through a normal life where he watched television and occasionally picked up a newspaper??? and fgs he married a woman of another race!

he has no excuse for such dreadful ignorance and bigotry. your poor children must be so confused by him

A white dad getting his kids to do 'cod' Caribbean accents?
It sounds as if he is undermining or mocking the black part of their identity as a way of undermining you, given the other things you have said.

If his behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable and that it is wrong, then the chances are that you are right. Trust your instinct even if you can't yet put your finger on what makes it wrong.

I am a white mother of a mixed race child and I would never carry on as your DH does. He seems to have no political awareness at all.

I'm not sure how you can enlighten him or get him to be more sensitive or sensible.

Ha ha at notion that he can't be racist because he married a black woman. Is marriage to a woman a sign that a man can't be sexist? Would that it were.

I was going to post in agreement with what oikopolis said. He is certainly nasty, rude, and I would say abusive in his belittling approach to your discomfort.

Having see that your DH now claims his DC are white plus the other things he has said I would say he has a massive problem and yes, a racist in denial.

Yes Chipping your last post does change things a bit.
At the very least he is l

Eek bloody phone!

He seems to be trying to find ways of putting you down.
The fact that this now appears to include a racial element
Just makes it worse.

It's a bit that he thinks his kids are white. That would have me suspicious before accents came into anything. My kids are mixed (Sri Lankan) and I (the 'white' one) am always talking about Sri Lanka, cooking the food, calling their grandparents by their Tamil names etc. I want them to be proud of who they are. But I have been known to take the mick out of his Dad a bit and the way he says things. I don't think it's racist, I would take the mick out of my Dad too for other things! Tbh, I think the other stuff you are posting is a lot more worrying than the accents.

I know more white women married to black men than the other way round.
I think this is because it is more common.

I am clarifying that because of my next comment:

I know several women with black partners who are absolutly and definately racist.

They might 'fancy' black men but that doesnt mean they respect or like their heritage/background/culture

And what about men who marry thai women? I am sure there are some real love matches but come on, the premise of mail order/catalogue brides is a racist as well as a sexist one.

I've just done a quick advanced search on your history chipping.

Your husband is a vile bullying bastard. I sincerely hope that you will find the strength, by leaning on MN or by admitting to someone in RL what is actually going on in your home, to end this awful, damaging relationship.

I agree with MrsDeVere.

I grew up in an area of London where black man/white woman was the most common mix you saw. A lot of those white and black people were racist. And believe me, it does affect the children.

yy I was going to post to say that being married to someone from a different race most certainly doesn't prove that someone isn't racist. It really shocked me when I first realised this, but some of the most blatant, explicit racism that I have ever witnessed has been expressed by one partner to another. :(

And sadly, the OP's DH sounds like he is another example of this. As a white woman married to an Asian man, it is hugely important to me that dd learns about her culture and heritage on both sides of the family, and I do everything in my power to facilitate this. I simply cannot imagine telling dd that she need not take any interest in her father's culture because she is white like me - it is as much her culture as it is her dad's culture, and denying that aspect of her identity would be tantamount to rejecting who she is. :(

I don't think there is anything wrong with playing around with accents - I love the diversity of our language, and often mess around by talking like my scows grandfather or my welsh grandmother etc. It's just a bit of fun. I have been known to copy DH's accent too at times, and he sometimes copies mine - but it's all done in good humour, and if either of us wanted the other to stop, then we would stop without question. The OP's DH clearly has no respect for her feelings, or for her heritage and culture.

OP, why are you still with this man?

What MrsDV said. I'm more likely to buy little bits to support the Dn's heritage than dp - found a fantastic book about a donkey in Jamaica recently in a charity shop - and MIL has taught me to make all kinds of food that, on that side of the family, is as normal as shepherds pie to me!

DP isn't fussed about visiting, but would go to visit family. I can't wait to start saving.

Mocking and belittling you and your children is absolutely unacceptable. Just as if he told your dd that they couldn't ride a bike because they're female, or ds not to cry because it's unmanly

Scouse, not scows.

Bloody iPhone.