Deal breakers

[bumbums]

So after 18mths or more of misery I am trying to pluck up the courage to end it with H.

Nothing dramatic has happened. We've just fallen out of love. He has with drawn from our relationship completely and pushes me away if I try to reach out.

Sunday he said a number of very hurtful things.

What do you bring to this household?

I don't think I can love you the way you want to be loved.

I felt pressurised into marrying you.

We married in 2005 and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 5.

I am terrified of the future. He's moved out to his bachelor mates spare room. At my request.
I reconsidered yesterday (before he said the hurtful things) because since he's moved out we have been focused on the practical issues of child care and house stuff. So I thought maybe we'd be able to look at our relationship better if he moved home. He refused to come home.

I'm sitting here lonely and terrified. Have booked an appointment with a solicitor.

Its over I know its over but its still going to take so much courage to actually go through with this.

I am so sorry love

But yes, your relationship is over. You will find the courage to do this, because really, what is the alternative ? You go under ? That isn't going to happen while you have 2 lovely dc to look out for

Time for you to move on now x

Anyfucker were you eggyfucker at easter? If so you were on my last thread about my mairrage.

I dont think you need to pluck up any courage to end it. He has made the decision to end it, and has done so.

But, he has done you the hugest favour, because you can now begin to rebuild you life, the way you want it to be, without the misery of being with someone who hurts you emotionally.

You will be fine. x

Of course you are terrified of the future, but don't worry too much, you will find a way to carry on.

If you both have fallen out of love, this is perhaps the best time to end it: just before you are too frustrated to bear with each other. (and before all the real nasty stuff begins).

At the moment your main worries are your children and the finances I suppose, but reading "Putting children first" by Karen Woodall may help you to get an idea of what to expect and how to hopefully be able to co-parent effectively after the split.

As for the finances, make sure you keep copies of bank accounts, his salary slips, the mortgage details (if you have one) and any other information that may be considered for a settlement. It will also help to subscribe to wikivorce or get a good divorce reference book so you put your half an hour free appointment with a solicitor to good use rather than wasting it on the solicitor explaining the basics you could have found anywhere in he internet.

I found out that getting an estimate of how much money I could get in Tax Credits put my mind at ease in a way a solicitor couldn't (I honestly thought DS and I would end up living in a hostel). Visit entitledto.org.uk for a benefits calculator.

All the best.

It seems that the dealbreaker has come and gone - and he went with it.

When did he move out and did it seem to you that he'd withdrawn from your marriage before he left?

From what you've said it seems that, if you don't do so, he may initiate divorce proceedings and the courage you need to find is that which will enable you to continue to go it alone.

Take it one day at a time, honey, and know that you will have the strength to get through this - and that this board will ensure that you're never alone

He with-drew about 13 months ago. He only moved out last wednesday.

Hi Bumbum

Firstly, I'm so sorry for how bad you are feeling now.

I could have written your post 18mths ago (actually I did). Literally, my children are the same age, I got married in the same year as you. We had been together since college and had been best friends.

We went through a tough period (tough pregnancy for me and tough career phase him). He gradually detached and refused to talk to me about how he was feeling. Then it got to the point you are describing. I heard all the same lines you have. I am 99% sure your H is trying to work his courage up to leaving you because he is enjoying the buzz and romance of a pressure free relationship with someone else.

I was so similar to you and couldn't believe my STBXH could have an affair. I was convinced it was work stress/depression - you name it. Thankfully, due to some very astute advice from MN! I asked him to leave. He did but was all chat about reconciliation for months and took complete advantage of my trusting and good nature to be allowed access to our home as and when he pleased. I later found evidence of his affair. He would never have admitted it, he wanted everyone to think we had split as we had 'grown apart'.

PLEASE protect yourself from this man. What kind of man is willing to leave his wife and two very small children without making an effort to fix the marriage which presumably you both thought would last a lot longer. You need to get detached and clever. Think about it logically. Can you access his phone bills. If you can't - think about why they would be private? Credit card bills.

The good new is that I seem to have boundless self esteem and although disappointed in my former best friend and husband, I don't feel at all responsible for his actions. I miss my old friend but there is no way that man would have left his small children (a visit one or two nights a week and every other weekend does not make a father in my book). Although he spends as much time as he can with them and has made a nice home for them (on his own). Bizzarely enough I just feel sad that the lovely young man with all the promise turned into such a dull cliche. The children are doing really well and never saw any unpleasantness, just a gradually reduction in family time. I know that the world has many lovely people and am sure I'll love again.

Shite SiogaDubh I feel sick at the thought of him having an affair. He's never been bothered about sex and has always been so moral. I would be deeply shocked if he was having an affair.

In my opinion, men don't generally leave a relationship unless there's someone else.

I'm really sorry. He's said some very hurtful things and it's clear that he considers himself gone.

I think a quick visit to a solicitor will put you back in control, tbh. It's a really tough time for you - I've been there and it's awful, but it does get better, I promise.

Yep. Mr Moral lived with me too. He was your classic 'the last person you would think'....................... Even before it came out, his Mum said to me that he was a 'changed man'.

He used to be close to her but their relationship broke down as did lots of his friendships because the guilt destroyed him.

I think if you can identify a time when things changed, then that's when things changed. It's unlikely someone had a sudden windchange on his way to work, realistically. Something happened to him to change his attitude towards you. It's probably hopeless looking back, unless you can trace it to a weekend course or similar - if he's seeing someone from work he wouldn't have mentioned it anyway.

He blames it all on my lack of house keeping skills. Niether of us are tidy people. I find it hard to keep on top of the house. He says he comes home from a hard days work and finds it depressing to walk into our home. We bought our first house in April last year, He thought that now finally i would start being able to manage things better as it was our own home.

I want to be better at time management etc but its something i really struggle with.

When I talk about our relationship I use emotional terms. When he talks about it he can only talk about how little he thinks I do.

Night all. At counselling on wednesday. Hope not to ruin all my rl friendships by being so miserable all the time. Hard though.

yes, I was EggyFucker

listen to those who are trying to prepare you that there is an OW

it's very likely indeed

Oh BB - my heart goes out to you!

Sounds as if there is an OW.

Best wishes!

I don't think men leave because of housekeeping, although they may use that as an excuse.

I'll have a hard time outing him if there is another woman. He manages the credit cards online and has kept his bank account separate. He also only uses his work mobile. I'd need a password to log in to his email too.

It would be easier to divorce if he could admit it. (bloody hell this gives me a nervous bottom just writing it!)

Otherwise do we have strong enough grounds for divorce? Would a judge make us separate for 2 yrs before granting one?

Morning B

Thinking of you this morning. Am thinking that if he keeps everything secret (credit cards/bank statements/mobile bills), it points towards OW. Do you know the password to his phone? Have you had access to it in the past 6mths - a year or does he keep it close by at all times.

Although, OW or not, I think you need to look at how poor a husband and father he is being to you and your children. I felt it easier to deal with when I considered how my STBXH was happy to only see his children every 2nd weekend. I mean for your average man to want to do that - things would have to be horrendous at home. Are you drunk all the time, out every night, leaving him to pick up the pieces at home, are you having affairs, are you neglecting your children, do you create awful moods and scream at your H? If the answer to these things are no, then its unlikely he is leaving his children because of anything you've done. On the other hand, when he is not around do you generally have fun with your children and your friends? I suspect its very rare that a 'good' father leaves his children and home because of housework. And as my own DF says of his marriage (generally a very good and loving one but with plenty of fireworks over the years), my DM could push him more than most wives would push their DH's because she knew that no matter what he would never leave his children.

For what its worth, our house was always very clean because STBXH payed for lots of cleaning help (we are both a bit anal), but it still made him very angry if there was any 'stuff' left on the island or kitchen table or in the car. Also he was livid with me if the household admin/finances etc was not up to his standard. When a man wants to leave a relationship he will find 'THINGS' to blame you for to rationalise it to himself. Its funny, when you come out the other side it just all seems so ridiculous.

The funny thing is that if I asked STBXH to read your OP, I am sure that he would give a wry and guilty/embarrassed laugh and agree with my suspicions about OW and we would both laugh about how pathetic and predictable some men can be - I won't though because I am detached (or at least having no unnecessary contact to help me get there).

The best advice I can give you at the moment is to tell him that you don't want any contact with him for the next 2 weeks (except about the children). You need time and space away from him (pack up anything you feel he needs and have it ready for him). Tell him he is not welcome at the house in this time and ask which days would be like to come and take the children. He can either take them to his parents or on days out - thats what men in his situation have to do. The children will be fine.

Be strong, I promise you can deal with this and that your life will be happy again. This will pass. Just get through today.

keeping all that stuff secret points to a whole other life not just OW

see a solicitor and get all the financial stuff straightened out...I imagine some other stuff will come to light too. And if it doesn't, you are well-shut anyway.

Lots of great advice here - he's been leading a double life, he's keeping secrets from you, he is looking for things to criticise and therefore justify his selfish twattish behaviour.

Please do not try and be the perfect wife - it will not work. Let him go - you need the space to process your feelings and thoughts.

I think OW too.

If any of those accounts are joint, you have a right to contact the bank, as a joint account or card holder, and ask for past statements. You can tell them honestly that you dont have access to passwords.

My DM is convinced he's depressed. She suffered with it a couple of years ago and she can see behaviours in him that she recognises.

My head is totally fucked.

Hi Bumbums, was thinking that you could confront him with his administrative life without you and ask him to show you his mobile phone then and there. There are trust issues that need to be addressed here as well as the other stuff. Be honest about your (our) suspicions. The only one with some-thing to lose is him.

Outing him and getting him to face up to his decisions (if that's what is happening) may be a platform for discussing counselling or similar to pinpoint what went wrong and whether depression is a part of it.

What a sad situation. You sound lovely.xx

I have asked him a few times if he's having an affair. He acts all incredulous and hurt/cross that i could even ask.

When ever I ask us to look closely at our finances he says that first I need to keep a record of my expenditure for at least a month. He thinks I over spend and have no idea about how much things cost.

And if I really pressed the matter, i.e. I want to see credit card statements and details of your account. He'd force me to explain why.
I'm rubbish at lying.

At the moment I just want rid of him.
But for my children's sake I feel I must put up with more.
Some crazy self distruct thing.

The hurt/cross thing is an act I am sure.

Tell him firmly to give you to access to bank/credit card statements because you need to see these. No other explanation required. No need to tell lies. Just say you like to know what your finances are - esp if these in are joint names.

Its not a healthy environment for your DC - don't put up with him for them.