Deal breakers

[bumbums]

So after 18mths or more of misery I am trying to pluck up the courage to end it with H.

Nothing dramatic has happened. We've just fallen out of love. He has with drawn from our relationship completely and pushes me away if I try to reach out.

Sunday he said a number of very hurtful things.

What do you bring to this household?

I don't think I can love you the way you want to be loved.

I felt pressurised into marrying you.

We married in 2005 and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 5.

I am terrified of the future. He's moved out to his bachelor mates spare room. At my request.
I reconsidered yesterday (before he said the hurtful things) because since he's moved out we have been focused on the practical issues of child care and house stuff. So I thought maybe we'd be able to look at our relationship better if he moved home. He refused to come home.

I'm sitting here lonely and terrified. Have booked an appointment with a solicitor.

Its over I know its over but its still going to take so much courage to actually go through with this.

Amateur dramatics are an essential part of the curriculum at St Twuntbert's School for Philanderers and all graduates are well skilled in assuming the mask and posture of 'incredulous', 'hurt', 'cross', 'tortured' 'conflicted', 'depressed', 'broken' and other guises that serve to confuse and confound their accusers.

Take leaf out of St T's prospectus and confound him; get a pal round, blitz the house, and have it - and you - sparkling for his next visit, at which time you can nonchalantly tell him to provide copies of credit card statements, bank balances etc that you can take to your solicitor with a view to instituting proceedings for divorce.

Acting on 'legal advice' you've garnered here refuse to enter into any discussion with him except to say that you've realised that your life is far to valuable to waste on a man who's made it clear that he doesn't want to be with you and that you want to be free to explore other options - it's probable that you'll see what genuinely 'incredulous' looks like on his face as you wipe the smile off it

Play him at his own game hardball with him, honey - it's the only way you'll get to the truth while preserving your dignity.

Btw, providing you've been married for more than a year, you can file for divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour and there's no question of you having to wait 2 years or any length of time before you do so.

Just discovered that the Amex bills are missing from the filing cabinet.
Feel sick.

It's time to put my Plan A (above) into action, honey.

If he doesn't respond by making an all out attempt to win you back, Plan B is where you metaphorically cut his balls off with service of your divorce petition.

I think you should perhaps go to the CAB and ask about your legal right to see your finances. If you don't have concrete evidence of another relationship now, he could forever deny it. Especially if you just leave.

I also think he should leave and I'm sure he thinks he'll be booted out too so he's making it hard for you. Once he's rumbled and found guilty he'll be taken to the cleaners which he knows.

Use any means possible and think quickly about gathering evidence for divorce.xxx

The OP's h has left the marital home, newby and the OP has no 'legal right' as such to see any 'finances' that aren't jointly held although, of course, her h will be required to produce evidence of his finances in the event of divorce and division of marital asssets.

Oh yes, have read again. It's pretty cut and dry really. Shame he won't own up and has basically got his own way. Why do women let men get away with so much!!

Bumbum when you see the solicitor go for it. Unless you're inclined to take him back again. He'll have to show his hand eventually. I wouldn't stress about his finances too much and concentrate on your life and the children's with love and happiness in it.

B, I remember the sick feeling well and I hate to warn you but it's probably going to get worse. I can tell you that it will pass and you will be able to eat, sleep and feel joy again but it will take time. You should just go with your feelings. Cry when you want to (not on front of DC obviously), allow yourself to be angry.

Also something which has helped me over this period is to know that I acted with dignity and have nothing to feel bad/ashamed about. I never slagged off the OW to him (even though I don't think much of her) and I only told him that I had lost all respect for him as a person due to his lies. I also told him that he was never obliged to stay with me if he didn't want to (I have no interest in wasting my love and life with someone who doesn't feel the same) and that if he told me he wanted to leave, I wouldn't have stopped him and I would want him to be happy (he was a bit shocked by that!).

In the wise words of my Dsis the night I turned up at her house crying (for the first time in 35 years: NONE of this is your fault. If he wasn't happy, as your DH it was up to him to come and discuss it with you. It was 50% his responsibility to protect and look after is marriage and family unit.

Bumbums - what part of the country are you in?

In Northwest.
Told him this evening that I want a divorce.

Asked him where amex statements were and he looked so honest when he said 'aren't they still there? I've been getting all statements online for about a year now so there wouldn't have been any.' I believe him.

I know its the right thing to do. I'm not even upset this evening. Its been a shitty day.

He didn't bat an eye lid. By the way.

Hi Bumbum

Thinking of you tonight. I can completely understand how tough your day has been. I lost my Mum when I was 17 and had two little sisters to help my Dad with. The pain was not nearly as bad as realising the man I had planned to spend the rest of my life with no longer loved me.

Our Amex bills were online also but I had the password and that's how I pieced together a lot of information about STBXH's affair.

You will get through this. The next few weeks will be tough but they will pass. Try and find some tiny things in your day to enjoy. A hug from a little DC or the comfort of your home. Take care of yourself the best you can.

Feel like its not really sunk in to be honest. I should be crying. I should feel worse for what I'm bringing on my children. What we are doing to our children.

Your focus needs to be on you and the children now. Much easier said than done but my GP told me I would need to find a way to put the 'stressful thoughts' in a box and close it. I still practice that is its bothering me at night.

Do you have any time to pack up his stuff (I put it in black sacks). My anger helped and A felt much better when I had purged the house of him (took down all wedding photos). Does he want to see the children. It would be good for you if he took them out for a day at the weekend to let you have some time. Could he take them to his parents?

Sorry, didn't see your post. It didn't sink in for ages with me. I always have a long 'frozen' phase in times of shock. I think it's the minds way of protecting you from that you are not ready to face.

YOU are not doing anything to your children. He did this. You have no choice. This situatiion has been forced upon you. All you can do is decide how you are going to react in hopefully the toughest time in your life.

He's a devoted father. All he's bothered about is how much he'll get to see the kids.

I can't really pack up his stuff yet as he's not got a place for it all yet.

Took my rings off. Thats enough for today.

You sound exhausted. Try your best to get some sleep.

Night.

Bless you, taking off your rings is a big thing to do. You're making big leaps which is brilliant.

My Mum and Dad split when my brother and I were 9 and 11 and Dad was devoted to us. We have grown up well adjusted with 2 of every-thing and knowing that we were really loved. There were sad times when mum wasn't part of dad's family any more etc but the main thing you can do is create a life of your own gently so they can see you're self-sufficient. The key was that there were no restrictions on Dad seeing us and we all lived close to each other.

Our main home was with mum and we stayed with dad twice a week until we went to college. Dad rang us every-day and would have had us permanently living with him if had the choice.

Do lots of things with your children and always be positive about leaving their dad and honestly, they'll be fine and happier that you're happy.xx

Thanks newby2 thats comforting.