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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone help me end an abusive relationship!

27 replies

needsomelovin · 16/04/2012 19:06

He doesn't hit me, but he is verbally abusive and the relationship has been very volitile, I've never been in a relationship like this before. He looses his rag easily, shouts and swears at me, scares me as he's big and intimidating, nothing is ever his fault its always mine, but I just feel trapped I had a good friend but I feel I've lost her due to his temper, I live miles away from my family and I have 2 children to consider.

I've tried to end it several times before, but he always talks me around, making me believe things will get better but they never do. Last time I ended it he blew his top came round and kicked the door yelled and shouted at me so the whole street could hear. I was so scared I was crying shaking, yet still he managed to talk me around. It just seems the easy option or something, I'm feeling I want to end it again but I don't know how to do it, do I text, email, phone or just go quiet and hope he gets the message. I want him out my life but I need some help and support. Can anyone offer any advice?

OP posts:
Leverette · 16/04/2012 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
needsomelovin · 16/04/2012 19:26

Sorry no he doesn't live with me, the children aren't his I have no ties with him as such its just the scared thing I'm worried about.

OP posts:
lolaflores · 16/04/2012 19:28

Police?

neuroticmumof3 · 16/04/2012 19:29

You are stuck in a cycle of abuse here where his tactics of bullying and persuasion are working to keep you trapped. I think knowledge is power and would recommend you read 'living with the dominator' by Pat Craven (available on Amazon). This will help you understand the dynamics and tactics that are being used against you and give you the power you need to be able to break the cycle.

Sidge · 16/04/2012 19:31

Phone or text and say it's over. Have friend stay with you whilst you do it to offer you support.

If he comes round don't answer the door.

If he kicks off call the police.

Original poster
needsomelovin · 16/04/2012 19:35

Think I'll wait till the kids are in bed! Ohhh I'm dreading it

OP posts:
Rascal79 · 16/04/2012 19:41

I am a police officer and it sounds like you need to report him if he continues to behave like this. Also if you contact the police they may be able to provide you with contact numbers for local agencies that can help you. For example Women's Aid. Good luck

pumpkinsweetie · 16/04/2012 19:42

Change the locks whilst he is out if the tenancy is in your name and make sure you have a friend/family member stay with you.
Please don't put up with this any longer, verbal abuse often turns into domestic voilence, this happened to someone i knew & it turned very nasty.
Please do not delay

Original poster
needsomelovin · 16/04/2012 19:42

Will the police really be able to help me though?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 16/04/2012 19:44

How long have you been involved with this man? Does he have key to your home?

Original poster
needsomelovin · 16/04/2012 19:47

no he doesn't anymore, only 7 months imagine what it would be like after 7 years!!!

OP posts:
Ratata · 16/04/2012 19:56

Tell him by phone and tell him that if he comes round and threatens you in any way then you will be calling the police and pressing charges. Have a friend or family (or several) come round for the evening. I had my friend come over when I was ending an abusive relationship and boy am I glad I did. He threatened to hit me when I broke up with him. If he comes over, try using some device to record him. Phone in your pocket, webcam.

You need out of this. Do it for yourself and your children. Staying with him puts not only you in danger but your children as well. He will soon move on to his next victim and leave you alone. Sad but true.

Ratata · 16/04/2012 19:57

The police will help. If he's there trying to bust you door down dial 999.

MagsAloof · 16/04/2012 19:58

He doesnt live with you and they arent his kids? Can you get an injunction against him? And all of what Ratata said.

Rascal79 · 16/04/2012 19:59

Yes they will help, if he is trying to get in, if he threatens you. Even if it never gets to court then they will be able to intervene and make him realise you mean business. What county do you live in? I will try and find some numbers for you

Original poster
needsomelovin · 16/04/2012 20:15

Bedfordshire and thanks x

OP posts:
Rascal79 · 16/04/2012 20:18

Look at this website it should provide links to the right place and has a 24 hours helpline. They are really good: www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

sunrise65 · 16/04/2012 21:11

i'm really sorry to read what you're going through. this man sounds very scary and his behaviour will keep getting worse. i would personally not worry about how you will end it. but just get the hell out of there. ring womens aid now 0808 2000 247 they will be able to help you make a plan of how to leave him safely. you could ring 101 for the police if you're not in immediate danger and make them aware of the situation. they wil then make a note of domestic violence with your case and if anything else were to happen they will know to take it seriously. you are so strong to already know that you need to get rid of him but it's just about doing it a safe way. i think that texting him or emailing him to break up would just wind him up and isn't important right now. get to a safe place first and then decide what to do from there. good luck. (join us on EA support thread 8 if you need)

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2012 21:13

Sunrise, read the thread! She isn't living with him.

sunrise65 · 16/04/2012 21:25

ahh, but she is asking about breaking up with him? so I think it's still important to be in a safe place where she is not alone and he cannot hurt her because if she calls it off with him he might not react too well.

Original poster
needsomelovin · 16/04/2012 22:46

If I call the police what will happen though, will social services be involved. I just feel he has got me

OP posts:
jifnotcif · 16/04/2012 23:41

This is quite worrying as his reaction in the past was so extreme. Emotional abuse is about control and when the abuser finds he has lost control (i.e. you tell him you're leaving), they will do almost anything to regain it, including subjecting you to physical force.

I suggest you make a plan, in conjunction with the police or your local DV support and act on it with that support in place. Social services will be involved if there is any threat of violence in the presence of children. Is that what you are concerned about?

izzyizin · 16/04/2012 23:47

There's absolutely no point in the OP leaving her own home in order to break up with this twunt sunrise because as soon as she returns, he'll be on her doorstep.

Or are you advocating that the OP sells up and moves because of him?

izzyizin · 16/04/2012 23:57

He hasn't 'got' you and he won't be able to 'get' you unless you let him.

All you need to do is give him a call or send him a text or email to the effect that you no longer wish to continue your relationship with him, you wish him well, and you don't want to see him again.

If he comes to your home and starts shouting the odds on your doorstep call the police who will remove him and give him a warning not to return.

Social Services will not be involved unless he commits an act of violence against you in the presence of your dc but, in that event, you needn't fear their involvement as it should be. patently obvious to any sw to that you are the victim in this matter.

You might find it easier to call your local police station on the non-emergency number and arrange a visit from, or talk with, your local community police officer or ask for a beat officer to visit you at the earliest opportunity.

Whatever he may tell you to the contrary, in wanting to end this relationship you are not doing anything wrong and are merely exercising your right to choose who you want to be involved with - or not, as the case may be.

ThatVikRinA22 · 17/04/2012 00:07

you are in a very strong position here OP, you dont live with him, he has no key to your home, you are not dependent on him in any way.

simply end it.

if he does come over DO NOT answer the door. if he starts to get aggressive you call 999 - it would be graded immediate and the police would be at your door within minutes. dont be afraid to do that.

Dont give in to this bullying pathetic specimen - now is the time to get rid, while its easy - he doesnt live with you, you have no ties to him - once youve done it you will feel like a weight has been lifted.

SS wont be involved if its just to do with you and him but thats the least of your worries - especially as you are trying to remove this man from you lives. The police would support you and you have every right to feel safe and keep your children safe.

good luck.