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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he interested?

73 replies

Gemsiepoos · 16/04/2012 14:21

Ok I will try and keep it short!
I really need some views on something. Tell me straight!
My cousin set mailed me telling me a friend of hers was interested in me through seeing me on fb!
Im on a dating site and a few days ago a guy mailed me and it was him, anyway we arranged to meet. Then he told me his age was 45 not 39 which it states on his profile, he explained why and I was cool although he is 11 years older than me. Then he told me he was a single dad to 4 children, which again I said ok cool.
We met for one hour and I liked him and he text straight after and said he would like to take me out again.
Tell me if Im wrong but I went on the site the next day to see if he was on and he was. I explained that if we were agreeing to see eacthother again its not fair as its like hes saying im lovely but not lovely enough. I know we have only just met but at least give me a chance right?
Anyway we have chatted and text he seems keen. Today again hes on there so i say to him look are we dating other people whilst hooking up together when we can cos of the distance (about 40mins) he then said he is definitely interested and then in another text he says im free to do what i please???
Please tell me what this means? Why should i make the effort to travel if he isnt feeling too positive about it?

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 16/04/2012 16:08

I really hope I have read this wrong, but this bit of your OP ("look are we dating other people while hooking up together when we can because of the distance") gives the impression you're after the exact opposite of what you claim to want from him, i.e. exclusivity.

SarahStratton · 16/04/2012 16:15

I'm with walter, he's already lied about a major factor, I wouldn't be stressing over how much he liked me, I'd be running like hell.

You don't need a man, you know. And 18 months is not very long, particularly if you are still feeling scared and hurt.

I'd leg it, and consider him a dodged bomb.

PooPooInMyToes · 16/04/2012 16:17

Why did he lie?

I agree your the others. You've come cross as desperate, needy, possessive, all after one hour!

I don't think you should bother worrying about where its going . . . you've already scared him off.

Original poster

Gemsiepoos · 16/04/2012 16:43

I may have come across that way and iv apologiised for doing so to him. Havnt scared him off he has admitted its hard to communicate through text.
He said that he went on the site a year ago and put his real age of 45 and attracted 55 year old beasts(his words)
Im not too bothered about him saying he was 39.
I know Im not acting how I should I think I just panicked and putting this post up has just made me see what I already thought I was being needy and thats something I dont want to be.
he distance may become an issue but may not I know its not serious to begin with but I just thought that giving eachother the chance is how it works not looking on the site for whatever reason.
I know what Im trying to say I guess its hard too explain. I appreciate all the feed back :)

OP posts:

GinPalace · 16/04/2012 16:46

I I get where you are coming from - but also that he could see it differently without it needing to be a show-stopper.

I don't think that age white-lie would bother me either tbh. If you meet face to face, yes don't lie, but if you are trying to interest the right people online and attracting the wrong ones so change it to stop that, no.

Hope you enjoy your next date with him. :)

Original poster

Gemsiepoos · 16/04/2012 16:50

Thankyou Gin :-)

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 16/04/2012 16:51

"55 year old beasts"?

Dear me! He doesn't sound too nice.

GinPalace · 16/04/2012 16:53

How old are you HellonHeels

depends how he said it though if it was a jokey descriptive thing and not an actual cruel comment...

Original poster

Gemsiepoos · 16/04/2012 16:55

I dont think he meant any harm! :-s

OP posts:

Bluepetticoat · 16/04/2012 17:47

Sad isn't it- the guy has no qualms about dating someone 10 years younger, but anyone 10 years older is a beast.

I'm a beast and I don't like him.

OP I think you ought to calm down. Some people like to do internet dating one at a time- nothing wrong in that. But some don't.

If you are a one-at-a-time person you have to make that clear but you will frighten a lot of men off in the process.

Also when you said he is a single dad of 4, do you mean he has sole care of his children- or his ex does and he is simply a single man with 4 children?

Original poster

Gemsiepoos · 16/04/2012 18:16

Im def a one time person and Im still sticking to I think we should at least give eachother a try as I feel that if he is arranging dates with other women then that spare time that he has should be spent with me. Im not second best!
His wife died 7 years ago and he met someone soon after and had another child so he has 3 living with him and one that stays alot, so his time is precious. hat time he does have would be to date and theres been no mention of our second date as yet. I think Iv made up my mind!

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 16/04/2012 18:39

His spare time SHOULD be spent with you?! Erm . . . Im a bit scared!

Original poster

Gemsiepoos · 16/04/2012 19:02

PooPoo I meant if he says hes interested then yes why not??
Zeeeze i deserve to be number one! Im not 2nd best!!!
If he isnt interested then fair enough!!!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2012 19:06

I wouldn't go near this man with a bargepole. He calls women beasts and pretends to be younger than he is? Ugh.

izzyizin · 16/04/2012 19:11

Jeez, you're scared?... I reckon he's taken to the bunker, *PooPoo

Listen up, Gemsie. Having fun and playing the field does not imply that participants are 'second best' but demanding to be the 'one and only' on the strength of an hour over a cup of coffee is going to get you the label of madwoman 'extremely insecure and emotionally needy'.

Maybe this is coming from the fact that he's known to your cousin but, even so, if you want to be seen by guys as being a cool chick that they want to get to know better - act cool, honey.

piratecat · 16/04/2012 19:12

i do know where you are coming from, these dating sites are really hard work, because it's like a shopping site.

If you had met on a night out in the pub got chatting and decided to go on a date, and if date sites weren't invented, then you would kind of assume, hey we are seeing each other, and you wouldn't even prob be thinking, 'ooh i wonder if he's 'seeing' other people too. Old school if you get what i mean.

The fact it IS a easilly accessed website, makes you able to check up on the other person, and it can be damn disheartning to see someone you think you are dating on there. For me I too just wanted to know where i stood, it's ok to panic, but tbh after one date I don't think i would have been too concerned. I still went on there too, to check if i had any mails, i mean you never know!!

It's like walking a tightrope. I would be upfront and make the moves to meet again, and see where your second conversation takes you!!

SarahStratton · 16/04/2012 19:15

I'm with you IB, he sounds a right catch

And OP you are waaaay too keen, you've spent ONE hour with this man. ONE hour, during which you've already established that he lied about his age and also has 4 children. What on Earth are you going to discover in hour number 2?

Also, you need to consider that he has 4 children, 3 of whom live with him full time. Those 4 children are the ones entitled to his spare time, not you. And if you do become involved with him, are you prepared to take on those 4 children, and love them as if they were your own?

And what about you? Do you have children? How would they feel about a large, ready made family entering their lives? And if you don't, does he really want more children to add to the 4 he already has?

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2012 19:21

Just thinking.

If you were to be involved with him, inevitably you'd see the children sooner rather than later because they lost their mum so babysitting would be very difficult. I can imagine it would be easy to get drawn into caring for them.

If he was a really decent man, a quick involvement would be difficult enough, because if you and he parted, you'd also be parting company with the children. If you'd formed a bond with them, that would be really difficult.

However, there's nothing really to show this is a really decent man, is there? Have you thought of the problems that could happen as a result of diving headlong into an exclusive relationship with him and his family?

Original poster

Gemsiepoos · 16/04/2012 19:26

Hmm rude!!

OP posts:

SarahStratton · 16/04/2012 19:29

What is rude? We're all being very straight and honest with you. Nobody is going to tell you it's all rosy, and to go ahead full steam, because Mumsnet isn't like that.

izzyizin · 16/04/2012 19:30

Rude? What or who is rude? He's certainly been rude by decribing some of the older women who've contacted him as 'beasts'.

HellonHeels · 16/04/2012 19:53

GinPalace I'm 45 - looking down the barrel of the 'beast' :o

I wasn't so bothered about the age reference, but object to the "beast" name calling. Stand by my view that he's not too nice.

GinPalace · 16/04/2012 19:55

Hell I bet you're more beauty than beast... or only cute furry animal at worst!!

TooEasilyTempted · 16/04/2012 19:55

I'm wondering if the guy would have been so quick to spill the beans on his real age and 4 children if the OP's cousin didn't know him.

GinPalace · 16/04/2012 19:58

My friend met her DP online, as things progressed towards seriousness, they negotiated when to 'go exclusive' and come off the dating site, which depended on how they felt about each other and this of course that differs slightly from one half of couple to other as we aren't clones, but once one felt strongly enough about it and the other felt enough to respect that, the decision was made... all went well and I'm going to their wedding in June.

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