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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

unemployed DH

33 replies

NotSureWhatsNext · 15/04/2012 21:50

Ok, so resisted posted for a while but I really don't know where to go from here. I've not posted in the redundancy section as I'm not sure if that is really the problem... DH just does't seem interested in moving on. Basicallly, DH has been out of work for some time and I have swung between giving him time/ being understanding that he is not used to the job market/ proactively looking and applying for jobs for him and then just bloody losing it when I realise he is not interested... latest approach was somewhere in the middle.

I guess a big problem is that we are very different in our outlooks and I just don't understand WHY anyone would wish to live this way, why you wouldn't want to provide for your family and have a long term, secure, future. Money is a huge issue for us and we are living far beyond our means at the moment but he doesn't listen to me when I tell him this (I need to point it out to him - he wouldn't know otherwise). There are a couple of immediate solutions which could help us out but he has no interest in discussing them. We can't communicate at all on this. Will be going back to Relate I think but I am so furious with him at the moment I can't even bring myself to suggest it.

Anyone been in this situation? I'm a name changer BTW (recognise big issue here is pride and really don't want to out DH).

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureWhatsNext · 15/04/2012 22:49

anyone?

OP posts:
oikopolis · 15/04/2012 22:53

what does he say when you talk/try to talk about this?

TooEasilyTempted · 15/04/2012 22:56

How long exactly has he been out of work for? Is he making any effort to look for work? Do you have children? Is he doing most of the housework/childcare? What does he say when you try to discuss this?

Sorry for all the questions!

Casmama · 15/04/2012 22:59

I think you need to be absolutely straight with him and point out that he is currently a drain on resources rather than contributing to them and unless you start to feel that he is doing everything in his power to reverse that situation then you see little future for your marriage.

Casmama · 15/04/2012 23:00

How would he not know that you are living out with your means?

Original poster
NotSureWhatsNext · 15/04/2012 23:02

No effort at all these days, though (and this is major part of problem) has plenty of 'business ideas. He does occasional odd jobs for a familiy friend too who pays. We have 2 DC so DH helps with school run which is very useful I have to admit - but not a barrier to working. When i raise it he is defensive, 'doesn't want to do any old job' kind of thing, and more recently dismissive like I am just being a nag. He doesn't seem to hear what I am saying about rent etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureWhatsNext · 15/04/2012 23:04

I'm really not sure casmama. Tho I have told him often (i sort out all bills etc and always have), he doesn't seem to take it in even when I scream 'we cannot afford to live here!'.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 15/04/2012 23:06

if he won't talk about it, and it's becoming untenable, then i think you probably need to talk to a solicitor about starting divorce proceedings.

you can't force him to work, but you don't need to share a home with him, or "keep" him.

TooEasilyTempted · 15/04/2012 23:07

I'm afraid for me this would be ultimatum time. Not because I'd want him to do 'any old job' but because I could have absolutely no respect or interest in anyone who wasn't motivated enough to want to provide for their family or pay their own way. I wouldn't be interested in spending time with someone like your DH, I'd find him an absolute turn off, a sponger, TBH, I'd pretty soon fall out of love with someone like your DH and in your situation I'd have to have a full and frank discussion and tell him that.

Original poster
NotSureWhatsNext · 15/04/2012 23:21

TooEasily - i am struggling with this right now and find that my respect for him is at an all time low. Then I feel guilty for not being supportive and putting my (material) needs first. I guess i just need to make him listen and emphasise the seriousness of it all.

OP posts:
Vicky2011 · 15/04/2012 23:39

I think it would be good to get some sense of how long he has been out of work. It doesn't sound like he has really accepted that he is unemployed and is still in shock. This might be understandable if it has only happened in the last few weeks but if this has been going on for many months then, as TooEasily has said I think you need to start thinking about the future.

It would of course be very different (well, I hope so anyway!) if he was trying everything to get back into work but being unsuccessful - the job market is pretty hellish. I fear I'm about to lose my job but the one thing my DH will not be able to say is that I'm not trying to solve the problem, whether I succeed or not is a different matter of course.

ImperialBlether · 15/04/2012 23:39

Deborah Meaden from Dragons' Den was on the radio a few months ago. She was talking about graduates who want to start at middle management level when they'd never had a job of any kind before. She was asked who she'd prefer - someone who'd struggled to find graduate work and had cleaned toilets in McDonalds and someone who struggled to find graduate work and spent all their time applying for jobs. She said she'd take the toilet cleaner every time.

If he takes a job which is 'just any old job' then he will be respected far more by employers than if he stays on the dole.

In your position, I think it would be ultimatum time.

Original poster
NotSureWhatsNext · 15/04/2012 23:41

He's been out of work over 12 months. Sorry, forgot to say.

OP posts:
JoanaM · 16/04/2012 00:01

what kind of job did he have before? maybe he needs to retrain into something more in demand

Vicky2011 · 16/04/2012 00:10

Ok, a year, and not making an effort to find work is starting to look like he's liking it a bit too much, or perhaps more fairly, not hating being out of work as much as most people would.

Just one quick point about the taking "any" job. I think it can be easy to assume that "any" job will be available even if he wanted it. Both my husband and I have done our fair share of applying for retail or call centre work during lean times in the past and never been successful. I am wondering if your husband may actually be applying for jobs but not getting them. Personally I was able to cope emotionally with not getting jobs which were similar to the one I had just lost, but being turned down by the garage down the road was pretty soul destroying. I know I'm playing devil's advocate, but you don't think its possible that his pride is stopping him telling you about his failed applications?

solidgoldbrass · 16/04/2012 00:13

A mate of mine dumped her long-term partner over this: not only would he not work, he wouldn't even sign on, just expected her to keep him. What is your H actually doing with his days? Is he sitting around whining, playing on his Xbox, wanking, sleeping? Or is he doing household chores and looking for work?

ThePinkPussycat · 16/04/2012 00:17

Was he signing on for Job Seekers? In which case surely he had to apply for jobs?

Bohica · 16/04/2012 00:18

Do you think he may be depressed?

My DH couldn't not work but as he has spent years and years as management I know he would struggle with accepting any old job.

From my experience I was unemployable in any old job due to me working history and was constantly knocked back for being to experienced in other fields.

I think the view of the employers I was applying for any old job with was that I am skilled in higher levels so would leave as soon as something better came along.

Have you googled jardine for jobs? Lots of vacancies as they are a huge company.

Original poster
NotSureWhatsNext · 16/04/2012 00:18

No Vicky, i know that he's not applied :( I totally agree with what you are saying about how difficult the job market is. DH does still have a bit of a chip on his shoulder about 'any' old job and thinks that he's entitled should he get 'that desperate' (not MY thoughts btw).

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureWhatsNext · 16/04/2012 00:22

no JSA, we are just relying on my wage mainly. He does some chores, most school runs, not much else.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureWhatsNext · 16/04/2012 00:25

it has crossed my mind that he might be depressed and I've tried asking directly Bohica - do I take his word for it? what else can I do?

OP posts:
Bohica · 16/04/2012 00:29

I posted from my ipad and now on my lappy I can see my typos do not make my skilled in higher levels read very true Blush

You can't force someone to accpet help unfortunatly, does he stay up late and sleep during the day, is he interested in doing family activities and get involved with the childrens school and home work?

Do you think he may be depressed or why do you think he has stopped looking for work?

It must be very tough on you, do you work full time?

Original poster
NotSureWhatsNext · 16/04/2012 00:36

His sleep patterns have always been irregular and he's never been the most motivated of individuals so it's difficult to judge. I guess because I just can't understand why is he behaving in this way then it makes more sense to me for there to be something wrong IYSWIM. Yes I work full time, and worry too much Wink

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ThePinkPussycat · 16/04/2012 00:47

He won't be getting NI credits then, and may need to make these up later to be entitled to state pension, etc.

I am afraid my ex really wouldn't put much effort into working, I thought he was, and luckily/unluckily (perhaps) was able to put in financial support as had some capital from DF which we mainly lived on, then he had a legacy from his DM which we partly lived on, partly put into a house. I did find a job, twice, over this time but had to resign on mh grounds, partly due to him being so useless and the worry over money.

Now we are divorced, although it's still not all sorted out financially.

JoanaM · 16/04/2012 00:56

i think retraining is needed if his job type takes over 12 months to find

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