unemployed DH

[NotSureWhatsNext]

Ok, so resisted posted for a while but I really don't know where to go from here. I've not posted in the redundancy section as I'm not sure if that is really the problem... DH just does't seem interested in moving on. Basicallly, DH has been out of work for some time and I have swung between giving him time/ being understanding that he is not used to the job market/ proactively looking and applying for jobs for him and then just bloody losing it when I realise he is not interested... latest approach was somewhere in the middle.

I guess a big problem is that we are very different in our outlooks and I just don't understand WHY anyone would wish to live this way, why you wouldn't want to provide for your family and have a long term, secure, future. Money is a huge issue for us and we are living far beyond our means at the moment but he doesn't listen to me when I tell him this (I need to point it out to him - he wouldn't know otherwise). There are a couple of immediate solutions which could help us out but he has no interest in discussing them. We can't communicate at all on this. Will be going back to Relate I think but I am so furious with him at the moment I can't even bring myself to suggest it.

Anyone been in this situation? I'm a name changer BTW (recognise big issue here is pride and really don't want to out DH).

ps during this time he was technically self-employed, we paid class ii stamp for him.

You say ." There are a couple of immediate solutions which could help us out but he has no interest in discussing them"

Do you know why not? Does it involve doing type of work he finds demoralising in some way?

Does he at least clean, cook, do the washing like a sahd? I hope ur not doing this, as I'd have 2 seriously boot him up the arse if ur working full time!
He can't just lounge about all day. He DOES need 2 get any old job in the mean time, as this would look better on his CV. A yr is along time 2 be actively seeking work.
It's definately ultimatum time!

OK OP, think about it this way. Is this man sufficiently charming, attractive and good in bed to justify his keep? Because he sounds like a right cocklodger - basically he expects you to support him financially and domestically out of sheer gratitude at having this Wonderful Man in your life. There isn't anything inherently wrong with keeping a charming, attractive cocklodger if you are aware that's what you're doing, but keeping one who is not just a burden but a grumpy selfish whiny one as well just because you believe the cultural myth that a woman without a man is a failure in some way, that's not good.
Do some research, maybe even going so far as to get a free half-hour chat with a solicitor about the marital assets, finance etc, just so you are fully in possession of the facts, and then sit down with your H and have a chat. While the current economic climate might make it hard for him to find paid work, in the meantime he needs to be using his time constructively ie taking on a good share of the domestic work and childcare and claiming any benefits he is entitled to. ANd that if he doesn't make some effort to contribute to family life, even if he can't bring in a wage, he can go.

Your household would be easier and cheaper to run if you were a single parent, to be honest. Can you afford to "keep" him? I would think that a non-working adult in a household is a luxury few can afford these days!!

What SGB said. When I grow up I am going to be like her......

Think when job centres were a bit nicer there was a notion that you had six months or so to look at jobs in your profession and after that you had to apply for any jobs.
Your H needs a timescale with consequences that will either be financial problems for the whole family if you are living beyond your means and emotional problems for your marriage if he isn't pulling his weight at home or listening to your concerns.
So however many more months more you can stand of him really doing his work on applying for a job similar to his previous one and effort to look seriously at retraining or a properly costed business plan. After that it is time for any job.
You are do a full-time job and if he is looking for a job properly it may be almost as time-consuming but you should share the domestic tasks. If he isn't putting his full effort into this then he does more housework. And you work out a budget that allows for another 12 months unemployment. Then you reassess.
Hard to do obviously but the longer this goes on the less respect you will have for him

There are difficulties for people seeking work at present, and it is true that people whose last job was skilled/professional are likely to be passed over for unskilled jobs on the grounds that employers think they won't stay, or that they don't have the relevant experience (or even, if the employers are unscrupulous, that someone who previously had a good job will be aware of employment law and harder to exploit). So it may be the case that this man will remain jobless for some time but he needs to be pulling his weight in other ways ie more domestic work and/or looking into other ways of raising money such as taking on an Avon or Betterware round, looking into whether his existing skills are sellable on a freelance basis, etc.